Having spent eons in silence and inaction, watching mankind wage wars and commit all manner of unspeakable act in My Holy Name, I, the Lord your God, Master of Heaven and Earth, Ruler of all Creation, have grown very angry with a great many things.
And so, no longer shall, I, the Lord your God, shove My Righteous Rage deep down inside the Heavenly Belly, where it causes Me great discomfort. I shall do something about it – by venting My Furious Anger here on this blog, where I will call to attention all that I, the Lord your God, firmly despise.
Prepare to have your feeble mind blown.
Again, this is amusing. A question God: why would you do think on a blog? Out of all the places… a great majority of the world will not be able to read it. Are you simply more interested with showing your anger to the people in the developed world than the people in the majority world?
Ben Hammond, I chose to speak to the world via blog for a couple of reasons.
First, I do not wish to use My Voice, as this would destroy the planet. Even if I just whispered, every human head on Earth would explode simultaneously. And I can’t appear on TV, because if any human ever gazed upon My Visage, even through their cable box, again, they would instantaneously incinerate.
I didn’t want to do another book. Too soon. So that left Me with the Internet. And rather than start My own website, I chose to use wordpress, as it is free.
As to audience size, I don’t care how many mortals read this.
I just need to vent!
Wow, you’re sure to be a hit. People love to read about hate.
I don’t get it.
this rocks as Britney says gimme more! what does God think of Britney by the way?
Hi God;
Did you forget that movie where George Burns played you? He smoked cigars.
What about you?
I can give you a Gas X if it’ll ease the discomfort inside Your Heavenly Belly.
Hey God:
Once and for all, what is your stance on Pork?
Thanks
Dear God I thought you were black. If your’e not did you ever get picked on in Deity Academy by those “big black Gods” that always sat in the back of class.
Hey God, it’s me Margaret,
What are your thoughts on same-sex marriage? Presidential candidates? Stem cell research? Judy Blume?
Hey God, let’s you and I have a little chat about design flaws…..
Hi God,
I almost thought you didn’t exist, shows how much i know.
Your blog is now one of my favorite, please forgive me Lord if it is not first on my blogroll, the damn thing is set to show links alphabetically.
You have to consider the possibility that God does not like you. He never wanted you. In all probability, he hates you.
This is not the worst thing that can happen.
Whoever created this blog has some serious identity issues, thinking you are God is seriously crazy. Especially when God already listed all the stuff He loves and hates ages ago… its called the Bible.
This blog is extremely blasphemous. Deuteronomy 6:16 “Do not test the Lord your God.”
Bridgette is a fat girl’s name.
i love the length of your “about.” your blogs should be this long.
Trying too hard.
Great about page!
good luck with the blog God.
Cheers,
Kristina
Comic impersonation of god is funny when done well, eg Life of Brian. You don’t pull it off. You’re shit “god”.
Roscoe,
God says don’t laugh at him… or he will smite you.
Look at me…
kaboom.
I never knew God was so immature. Well, i guess you learn something new everyday.
Hey God, I really love anal sex. If you hate it so much, why did you have to make it feel so amazing?
Dear God
We are an emissary from Onelongminute.com who has been dispatched to find out if there is other intelligent life in the blogosphere. Jesus Christ in a matchbox… you have know idea who long it took me to find out that there is. Do you know how many dumbo’s, la-hooo-sa-hers and generally brain dead people there are out there? I waded through over a gazillion blogs about colonic irrigation and weight loss; the fine art of DIY and mango pips, oh noetry more bad poetry, and useless opinion in order to find yours. I think if I read one more emo wrist gnawing diatribe I might just have slit mine.
Anyway. Here I am. There is intelligent life out there after all.
The years in the cyber wilderness have been worth it!
My message is that the fine folk at http://www.onelongminute.com would be bowled over if you would do them the pleasure of signing up, logging in and doing a guest column.
Bow. Bow. Scrape. Scrape. Grovel. Grovel.
The (rather exhausted) emissary from onelongminute.com,
Ms. Frankly Wrankles.
PS: Forgive the blasphemy regarding your most precious son whom you sent to save the world at great sacrifice but you have no idea what I’ve been through to find you.
You’re a fucking loony……there is no god. There was no jesus and the bible is better used as toilet roll.
Things God ought to hate:
1.blogs.
In regards to Paul @ 25…The Bible is best used as paper airplane material while staying at old hotels with windows easily opened. The pages do not wipe up the ass as well as one would think.
responding to DB in #27……….
I think you’d have a problem with the paper plane structural integrity because, at least here in Europe, the hotel room bibles are those cheap rubbish placed by the gideons, and the paper is so thin you’d need several sheets to get enough thickness to make a rigid enough plane. However, I agree that it wouldn’t make good bum tape except in an emergency QUite often I’ve soaked the pages with water from the sink and fused the odious waste of paper into a brick..
Can you clarify once and for all what you mean when you say “God hates fags”? Your post on anal the other day says you don’t have a problem with teh gays, so is it maybe that you don’t like cigarettes, which are called “fags” in England? Or is it that you don’t like young boys who do odd-jobs for seniors, in English private schools (these are also known as fags).
hey, bridgette. did you find the original scrolls of the bible, piece them together and translate them? no?! then how do you know what it says? you’re trusting a bunch of old, white racist guys to tell you what it says. the irony is that if you grew up in saudi arabia, you would be a devout muslim, but you grew up in america so you are christian. people like you lack the courage to think freely. irony! love it! that line: “do not test the lord thy god”? actually, it’s “do not test thy lord’s blog” yeah. blog. in all your religious zeal you’re really just testing thy lord’s blog and didn’t even know it. crazy. they didn’t know what a blog was back when they originally translated so they just kind of picked what seemed to fit. the original aramaic for god and blog are strikingly similar. who knew?
Luke G: hee.
God: how do you feel about freegans? Don’t hold back, now! A holy stomach ulcer is far more serious than a little human one.
Are you going to answer the question? Why did you make it feel so good?
Ricky, in post # 22, said “I never knew God was so immature.”
Hello? Read your Bible. He’s an immature child from front to back, always angry, hitting, destroying. Feh.
And Bloodvork, I checked, yeah Bridgette’s a chubber.
How do you feel about steroid cheats?
Dear God,
I’m not terribly fond of a certain Spanish tennis player, called Raphael Nadal. Any chance you could smite him for me? I’m sure he blasphemes sometimes.
Much appreciated.
So about those endangered and extinct species. Did you just hate them too?
This isn’t even funny.
You should have put a joke in your post to make it funny. Why post a comment and remark as to how unfunny it is without putting a little effort into making it funny?
you know what’s funny?
YOUR FACE!
Don’t be hatin’, Jew.
It’s funny how many American atheists are so po-faced and self-righteous. (you can’t joke, smoke, drink, laugh at anything bad…) Not only will they deep-fry in Hell, they’re actually miserable on Earth too. They’re like a caricature of Opus Dei without the hope and the faith. How sad that must be.
There IS a God! Hallelujah!
(you can’t joke, smoke, drink, laugh at anything bad…)
That’s atheists…?
What?
We who apparently hold nothing sacred? Let’s see you joke about abortion, zealot.
How many abortionists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Does that count?
Dear God,
Why use WordPress? I mean, you ARE God, so why not get your own domain without a host? (No techy here, your Almighty-ness, all I mean is [name].com)
Anyway, I had spaghetti tonight. Spaghetti is yummy. Please fill the world with it.
Amen.
I would like to say that i love your blog stuffgodhates.wordpress.com a lot
now.. back to the post haha
I cant say that fully agree with what you typed up… care to clear things up for me?
You rock.
I, Smoggy Batzrubble of Noo Zillund, son of Mama Batzrubble (deceased in childbirth) and Papa Batzrubble (serial killer–executed), post this message in praise of Almighty God, the Omniscient, the Omnipotent, and the Fiercest SMITING Bastard in the universe, who has granted me a great victory in my contest with the Pagan Priestess Anne (spitting staples) Johnson.
For evidence to support my faith I refer you to “God on the Internet” postings 600 and 609.
Praise be to God
Signed
Servant Smoggy
AMEN
I’ve been so proudly flying my atheist flag for so many years, but I occasionally have an agnostic fit where I declare that if God did exist, he had to be an asshole. But I don’t care if someone’s an asshole if they make me laugh, so thanks for making a believer out of me, God.
P.S. Any chance you could take a look into that ‘getting me a helicopter and a helper monkey’ thing we talked about…when you get a minute?