Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Ya wanna know something I really hate? Something I’m really just sick and tired of doing? Forgiving people for their sins. It’s stupid, it’s a waste of time, and I’m not gonna do it anymore.
All day long every day, all I get is annoying ass humans begging Me to forgive them for their sins. And I’ve put up with it, and even encouraged it, for far too long. Well no more. If you’ve committed a sin, don’t come knocking on Heaven’s door, cause I’m done with that. From now on, if you do something bad you’re just going to have to live with the consequences.
Believe Me, if you were in My position, you would’ve ended this nonsense a long time ago. Your sins are super-boring, ok? I’ve heard them all a million times before. Here’s a few of the completely unoriginal forgive-requests I got in just the last couple of minutes:
“Beautiful Lord God, please forgive me for forgetting to bless that man who sneezed today. And for smoking meth and having gay sex with him. I try not to Lord! In Jesus name, Amen.”
“Hey God! Please forgive me for puking up my dinner again. And please forgive me for somehow gaining a pound yesterday. Hug and kisses!”
“God, forgive me getting drunk and killing (?) that kid with my car. Also for calling my mother a dirty whore, even if she is one.”
All these people are dumb in their own special way. And you know what? After listening to this tripe every second of every day for 4,000 years, it’s gotten to be just a little bit irritating.
Also, I generally don’t like it when some schmuck begs My forgiveness for a sin, such as say, oh I don’t know, molesting his daughter, and then goes to her room and ‘tucks her in’ again the very next night. Not cool!
You know, I wouldn’t even be in this mess if it wasn’t for that nitwit son of mine Jesus. He’s the one who had to shout out on the cross, “Father! Forgive them, for they know not what they do!” To which I said, shut your trap, Jesus! You forgive them. Let them believe you died for the world if you want, you narcissistic little bitch, but then you have to forgive them when they pray. But does he do it? No, Jesus almost never answers or forgives anyone; he’s too busy smoking weed and listening to his gangster rap albums.
My Jews earn their forgiveness.
Anyway, I guess I’m reminded of all this because it’s Yom Kippur today, which is the special day My Chosen Jews set aside to atone for their sins. It’s hard to imagine now, but I used to have things all worked out so that I would only be bothered with this forgiveness shit once a year. Did you hear what I just said? ONCE. A. YEAR.
My Jews know how to honor Me. First, they pay upwards of $250 to go to Temple (if they are good Jews), they read from My Book, they fast, they feel guilty for their sins all day, and shit! They even shed precious bulls blood for Me sometimes. And then, only then, do they dare ask for My forgiveness. They’re the best.
But these fucking Christians! They ask for forgiveness every five fucking minutes. The nerve of these fucking people!
To My Jewish followers: Thanks for the fasting and the blood sacrifice, but you are not forgiven this year because I am all forgived out. To My Christian followers: be more Jewish. To My Muslim followers: keep up the good work.
I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.
Dear God,
I promise I will no longer bother You with whiny little pleas for forgiveness. Rather, I’ll donate 90% of my income to You in a severe reverse tithe, and I will sacrifice virgin sheep on a regular basis.
You’re right God, whiny Christians are the worst, and they only want things for themselves and their ilk. They’re fucking selfish, spoiled hypocrites…I spit on them, my sheepdog spits on them…even my sheep spit on them.
No more whining!
Amen
PS Dear GOD, I confess my whining. Please forgive me and bless me and multiply my flocks.
Dear God,
I thought You might be ready to snap from too many pleas by morons who think telling You they’re sorry is enough instead of actually atoning, or shedding some blood, or repaying the the person they ripped off, or otherwise getting real. It’s about time!
On the other hand, this may lead to problems with Your image … Psalm 130 is one of the few places where the Big Book talks about Your forgiveness (instead of JC’s):
But with You there is forgiveness;
therefore You are feared
Respectfully just sayin,
Tony
God,
At long last you seem to have opened you eyes and beginning to see things right. This is how someone else explained the idea “There is no one to forgive your actions – be it of thoughts, speach and deeds: In other words “You cut – you carry” or “You sow, you reap”
“All that we are is the result of what we have thought: it is founded on our thoughts, it is made up of our thoughts. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him, as the wheel follows the foot of the ox that draws the carriage… If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him”.
Translator: F. Max Müller
Source:http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Dhammapada
What about the Catholics? I’m not one, and don’t understand their system. Do they bother You all the time, God? Or just mumble over their beads?
Just Curious.
Yo Yo
I found Benny’s MySpace page:
http://www.myspace.com/mesasquatch
God, what happened to Bridgette? Did You finally get sick of her and smite her for good? She made me laugh.
So You did start the ticket prices of $300.00 and up at my temple.
Truly You are great and powerful.
I wasn’t going to temple this year anyway. This Forgiveness every 3-4 year thing has been working well for me, and now I can see that it works well for You as well. This will save a lot. Think I’ll instead show my devotion to you today by eating an African child.
OHHHH…
Hello Kitty.
“He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him.” — Leviticus 24:16
Moooooooo
“Those that venture into the valley of evil and preach the Word of the Lord will be dispatched with a bolt-gun to the head.”
Just something to think about, Bridgette. It will be mighty embarrassing for you when that bolt penetrates your head and the only sound we hear is the air rushing out of your empty head.
Yes! THe G-man is back with more hate!
God thanks for being so patient up until now, I think if you doubled your public smitings (stoning, people spontaneously combusting, people getting struck by lightening) then people would be so scared they would not commit the sin in the first place.
Imagine a world when a child molester pulls out his penis to show to his prey and every time a wild badger appeared from heaven and gnarled his balls!!!! Child molestation would end, and therefore their shitty requests for forgiveness!!!!
hallaleuja!
God,
Please let my Seahawks tickets arrive in pristine condition and in plenty of time for the game. Please let the Seahawks win this one, O Lord. Also, please allow my spit to work in magical ways so I can spit on the Packers if they score in the endzone where we’ll be sitting. We’re only three rows back so my spit won’t need much tweaking, I just really suck at spitting.
I pray this in Your Son’s Holy Name, O Lord.
Amen
**Please note that I have not confessed any sins to You, nor asked for Your Divine Forgiveness. Also, weren’t You asking us to confess just a few days ago… did we irritate You that badly, God?
Nun,
if you suck at spitting, what does that mean exactly?
I swallow.
Are you married?
Stupid question, Yo. Wives don’t swallow.
Good post LORD! I promise to never ask for your forgiveness again. I will still not try to sin, but if I do, I’ll just forgive myself instead.
Bridgette – you really do just lurk, don’t you? you are so weird.
Yeah – old joke: “Why does the bride smile on her wedding day? Because she’s given her last blowjob!”
You sure like those old jokes, don’t ya, Yo? I’d say you’re a bit like Bridgette in the “broken record” kind of why but comparing you to Bridgette would be unforgivably cruel.
Do a search for the following on Yahoo News:
Report: Voter purges in 6 states may violate law
I would post a link but we all know how well that goes and I’d prefer not to be sent into a bitter rage because I can’t post fucking links.
this is what Nun was referring to:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081009/ap_on_el_ge/voter_purges
Hey – I admit it was an old joke! Sadly, it’s true.
Speaking of jokes, I’ve seen this one on several British sites:
“Two elephants fell off a cliff. Boom, Boom!”
Why is that funny? Is it some British-ism that I’m missing?
All the other jokes on the sites were at least mildly amusing. This one is stupid.
The voter purge is suspect, as it may affect Democratic votes the most. Did we expect anything else?
Now I’m sent into a bitter rage because Josh can post the link that I can’t.
Thanks, Josh.
I wonder if Brits hate elephants and that’s why it’s funny.
mccain’s only hope is to steal it. so, why wouldn’t they try to steal it?
bridgette-incapable of processing information and learning. don’t you know any other verses? i mean, i don’t even believe in that hocus pocus shit and i know more about the bible than you.
Even when I was a Christian and I asked for God’s forgiveness, I never believed I got it. So I went ahead and kept sinning. And thanks to alcoholic beverages consumed in quantity, I no longer remember most of the sins anyway!
Druid deities expect people to sin and not ask for forgiveness. That’s what a conscience is for. If you do something shitty, you oughta feel bad about it and not have some deity condone it by erasing it.
Based on the history that a good portion of us seem to have, I’d say there’s a good chance that most of us know more about the bible than Bridgette. Has she even gotten past Leviticus in bible study?
I actually need to get my kid a bible.
Bridgette probably pastes that verse into 100 blogs a day. That’s her calling in life. Pathetic.
Nun, please don’t feel bad about linking! Any woman who swallows ought to be able to take a pass on linking. As you see, I don’t link much myself. Draw your own conclusions.
Not only that, Anne, Pagans have that whole three-fold thing that really works at deterring the noble from doing something exceptionally naughty.
Why would you get your kid a bible, Nun?
I don’t feel bad, Anne. I feel bitter and vengeful but I feel that way on most days anyway. The link issue just gives me an excuse to go smack my burro over the head.
Yesss…Give in to your anger. Use the Force, Nun!
yeah, nun, does your kid have the runs or something? no sense wasting all that good toilet paper.
Anne,
Because I want him educated when he makes his choices about how he wants to embark on his spiritual journey. I don’t believe in organized religion but he might and I want him to have a solid grasp of the options available to him. It is not just Christianity I’ll be teaching him about. I’ve already started talking to him about Islam so I guess I’ll have to find a Koran as well. My mother has been schooling him, without my knowledge, on Paganism. If she’s already doing that then I need to make sure he knows what else is out there. I want him making informed decisions about higher powers and all that. I don’t want a little Bridgette who just believes what he is told and doesn’t try to figure things out on his own.
The Force is strong with me, even though I have a vagina. It can happen, Leia is strong with the Force.
My daughter got a Methodist Bible in 3rd grade but still wound up reading “Helter Skelter” instead. Now she’s into Discordianism. When pressed about religion, she just says “fnord.”
I have a well-thumbed Bible myself that I use to justify all my worst behavior.
It’s been a long time since I looked at purchasing a bible. They come on CDs now. I can purchase a bible being read by James Earl Jones. Imagine, Darth Vader telling me about Lot and his whorey daughters.
AHHHHH!! I’m freaking out and don’t know why!!
What’s the difference between King James version and the New King James version? Anybody know??
new king james is written in modern english, and they took out all the mentions of the name Jehovah
Yeah, I’m doing some reading and am not real sure what differentiates the NKJV from the NASV.
Yeah, I’m doing some reading and am not real sure what differentiates the NKJV from the NASV.
can’t you just buy him the coloring book version and tell him this is why we hate homosexuals and arabs?
What the fuck!?! I didn’t post that twice. I didn’t even hit “submit comment” twice.
Why does wordpress hate me so?
nun,
Use this online tool to compare bible versions:
http://www.biblegateway.com/
WordPress hates you because you’re a smart woman. It lets Bridgette post all she wants.
Nun, one day you’ll be grateful to WordPress for taking the time each day to teach you to withstand relentless and wanton cruelty.
I will never be grateful to wordpress. I hate them with the white-hot intensity of three trillion suns.
Josh said:
“WordPress hates you because you’re a smart woman. It lets Bridgette post all she wants.”
Josh, you don’t have to try to flatter me. I’d already do you.
you can’t blame him for over-flattering, nun. the best way into most women’s pants is to tell them that you think they’re smart. and they fall for it! girls are dumb.
If you really think that’s the best way into a woman’s pants then that explains why you never get laid.
‘girls are dumb.’ Sounds like a saying on one of those T-shirts with the smiling psycho bunnyrabbit -’Throw rocks at boy’, etc.
Nun, you should get your kid a copy of the Thomas Jefferson Bible. Note I do not link. Either you can link, or you swallow. Doing both is going above and beyond.
Anne,
That is very sage advice and I thank you. I feel ignorant but I was not aware of that particular publication.
God,
Following your example, I am also not going to forgive anyone from now. Fuck everybody.
Ben
no, nun, the reason i never get laid is because i am married. ho-oh!!!!
come to think of it, i don’t think once in the history of my life have i ever told a girl i think she’s smart. i kind of just made it up as a preface to excuse the use of the phrase, “girls are dumb.”
i guess i could’ve just said the best way into a woman’s pants is to take them off when she passes out. girls are dumb.
better?
good plan, ben. can you do that while simeltaneously shutting up?
Nun, do you also plan to allow your kid to read the Koran, or the Book of Mormon, or the Talmud? I’m curious.
Your assessment on the intelligence of the female gender would probably mean a lot more if it wasn’t coming from an idiotic cracka.
Curtis,
Yes.
Cracka,
shouldn’t you say based on your experience and technique that “girls are numb”?
Nun,
you you allow your kids to watch National Treasure 2: The book of Secrets? If the answer is yes you are a horrible mom!
Hello, God.
How’s thing going? Still playing poker with Lucifer, etc? I really enjoy Your creation. If You’re ever in the neighborhood, stop in, do You like Sam Adams ale?
Respectfully,
Yo Yo
Josh,
No. My son watches very little film or television. I’m mean that way.
God damn you, nun!!!! you know, for a nun, you sure know a lot about deviant sexual behavior.
josh, what’s wrong with your jokes lately?
i just found proof that there is a human being whose last name is smalkokski. that’s right smal-kok-ski. poor bastard. for legal reasons i cannot divulge my source.
Josh, I believe that was a face to Cracka.
Nun, it is my opinion that television is the modern day form of ‘bread and circuses’.
Cracka,
i’m tired. Between working my day job (have to be here at 9) and being featured in a comedy festival this week (working every night till 2 AM), I’m spent.
I’ll be back to my old shitty self next week.
cracka, is his first name Notta?
does anyone watch “Life” on NBC? It was good last season, but now it sucks balls. The girl is still pretty hot, but the show is not.
Curtis,
I agree. One of the reasons I’m so fond of The X-Files is I believe that is intelligent entertainment that encourages the viewer to think. Most shit on nowadays just caters to the stupid sheeple who are incapable of thinking for themselves. Reality television is contributing to the “dumbing down” of society.
Television is evil and I watch very little of it. I do like Ghost Hunters though. Grant is super-cute!!
Nope. I don’t watch network programming, Josh.
Nun then I am sure you loved a little gem by the name of Idiocracy. That movie was great, and Mya Rudolph is my baby momma (I wish)
“Ouch my balls!”
My wife and I were concerned about what my sons watched on TV, so we put it away. There was a lot of crying when we did that, but I’m better now.
HA!! Yo Yo said something that was actually funny.
Ashamed to say I’ve never heard of it, Josh. Should I check it out?
Yo – that was good!
Heh – I’m going to bookmark this!
Nun,
you should see it. It’s a comedy that talks about everything you mentioned, plus Terry Crews plays the president. Didn’t get too much press here in the US because it basically calls bullshit on all the stuff we are doing and how it will lead us to be a shitty society of dumb fuckers.
In the movie the number one rated show in america in the year 2500 is called “ouch my balls” it’s 30 minutes of a dude getting his in the balls.
Nun,
here’s the link, there is atrailer there as well:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0387808/
I probably should check it out, I’ll probably agree with what the filmmakers are trying to say. Except that whole thing about “Ouch My Balls”… that’s just quality entertainment right there. I do watch “Wipeout” on Youtube.
Mike Judge, eh? I’ll definitely be watching that.
“I do watch “Wipeout” on Youtube.”
You saw the debates then, Nun?
curtis has a case of the joshes.
Cracka, you just made me cry.
cracka you just made my no no hole clinch up
Josh, don’t be so homophobic. It’s tacky.
oh Curtis, don’t act like the gays own butt sex.
wait a minute. all i have to do is kill every josh in new york who is featured in a comedy festival this week. you signed your death warrant, pal. although, there is probably still like 150 of you.
there’s like 50 of us
i think i figured out who josh is.
should i blackmail him or just tell you guys?
you could try to blackmail but I don’t have shit
oh. fuck it then.
shut up, ben.
cracka, maybe ‘Josh’ is only a blog name.
Or maybe he doesn’t use ‘Josh’ as his name in his act.
So, no crackmail today.
i have more circumstantial evidence, but it might ruin the fun of thinking of josh as nothing more than a smartass version of 80s megastar ‘Mr. T’.
I pity the fool who thinks other wise!
Well, considering there’s a website, Josh might have given his own identity away. And no, I didn’t get all stalkerish and look until Cracka made his comments.
I’m hoping a Jew can help me… I went to a bookstore to look for some religious texts but am quite perplexed in regards to the Jewish Scriptures. I got the Torah and the Prophets. Is the Talmud a compilation of the Torah, the Prophets and the third installment… sorry, don’t remember what it’s called. And what the fuck is Kabbalah? Why is Judiasm so complex??
because jews made it up.
I WAS SHUTTING UP! YOU FUCK!
just for that…99!
One YUNDRED!
I was hoping for an intelligent response and not a cracka response. Anybody? Unpleasant Jew? God?
FACE!
I’m no help, Nun. I barely understand Roman Catholicism and I am one — sorta.
NNOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!
http://gallup.com/home.aspx
Nun,
you really need to get your son the book of mormon.
I already have the book of mormon, Josh. It was provided to me for free. I will not pay for that book.
Dude! I just watched part of that cartoon, Josh. I’ve never read my book of mormon and now I’m glad I didn’t. Neutral parties were cursed with black skin… cursed. WHAT THE FUCK!!
I’m gonna get me a shotgun and shoot all the Mormons I see.
you should watch the whole thing. it will make you laugh and cry at the same time.
Nun, if you demand that your kid read the Bible, the Koran, the Talmud, and the Book of Mormon, and then he (or she) watches one King Arthur movie, your kid will grow up Pagan. Doesn’t even matter if it’s a bad King Arthur movie.
anticipating cracka’s response: Yes, I know there are no GOOD King Arthur movies!
Doesn’t matter. King Arthur rocks.
My son will not be reading the book of racism/mormon.
I did not know that about the mormon religion and now I just want to kill some mormons. No wonder they’re so fucking high and mighty… they all believe their spirit children. Fucking wackos. Intolerance makes me so angry. Why can’t we all just love and embrace the blacks like Nun does?
News from Philly: Sarah Palin is dropping the ceremonial puck that will begin the Flyers’ season. Sarah Palin will be in an arena full of Philadelphia sports fans. The same people who booed Santa Claus.
If anyone has a ticket for this game, I have prescription pharmaceuticals for a swap.
Not that I really ever cared before but now that I don’t even have to pretend to feel guilty I’m really cutting lose. 13 year old thai hookers here I come! Thanks be to God.
Anne,
what about the classic Excalibur starring Prof X himself: Patrick Stewart?
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0082348/
And Anne.. what exactly is the Talmud and how come I can’t find one???? All I can find is guides to the Talmud. I need Jewish assistance!!
I wish the Mormons would send a pair of their missionary boys to my house. I would convert them to Druidism in thirty seconds.
“Hey. In my religion, masturbation isn’t a sin, it’s sensible family planning!”
Gosh, Josh. I haven’t seen that one! Off to Blockbuster! Yippeee kay yay yay!
Nun, I love the blacks. In fact, I love every race and ethnicity –except Asians. I hate Asians.
Anne – you’re right. King Arthur rocks. Maybe I’m really a pagan then? I do kinda dig trees and shit.
I don’t know what the Talmud is. Kabbala is a mystical number/letter thingy. You can ask Madonna about that.
I have always found that the best way to keep my kids from reading a book is to recommend it to them highly.
Josh,
Watched it all… that is fucked up.
What a great afternoon! A new King Arthur movie to rent, a potential Pagan in our midst! Curtis, there’s no Book of Pagan that says gay is bad, or black is bad, or only Pagans go to heaven. Digging trees and shit is a plus. Also, there’s no collection plate, dues, or hidden fees. In some cases you don’t even need clothes.
Nobody can ask Madonna anything. That’s just how she rolls.
Curtis,
I hate the Asians too. Damn you, Asians!!
They’re taking over the country, Nun. You know that don’t you? Damned laundries all over the place. But you have to admit their whites are really white. Them and them damned Indians. I think I hate the Indians too. Christ, do we really need more 7-11’s??
East Indians are evil incarnate. Whenever you call tech support you get some guy in India who doesn’t even have running water in his shack, how in the hell is he supposed to help me with my internet connection?!? Fucking bastards!!
Cracka, your post #94: “i have more circumstantial evidence (about Josh)
What is it?
Nun, your post # 96: “Well, considering there’s a website…”
A website about Josh??
Both Asians and Indians are exploding into the engineering world too. Not that I can blame them for picking up the initiative on science education where the U.S. left of. At the rate there going they’ll own us all someday.
“In some cases you don’t even need clothes.”
So, there is a Hell.
Jello, the way I see it, the US is going to become a second world power, like the UK, or France. It’s time we retired gracefully, and let someone else be the bully.
Honkies will be owned some day. Karma is a bitch.
Yo Yo Ma Ma,
I agree, I’m tired of the US acting like the world’s police force but I still feel that If we are to compete economically we can not lose our edge in technological expertice.
Agreement on that! I’m an engineer by training, most of the Grad student in engineering were foreigners.
Most of my classmates just wanted to get out into the Real World and make some money.
Only one thing stopped me from going to grad school – I’ve got the brains of a turnip.
Nun, please keep your beautiful tits outta my face. You know what that does to me!
You and me both, I got my BA an said “I’m getting the hell out of here.” I may go back part Time after I pay of y loans though.
You and me both, I got my BA an said “I’m getting the hell out of here.” I may go back part time after I pay of my loans though.
That’s why I do it, burro aka dumbass.
Bad stutter Jello
Deja vu
yoyo, if you can’t dissect his comments enough to find out who he is, i can’t help you. now that i think i know, i wish i didn’t. you guys are easier to insult when i think of you as nothing more than colorful little faces next to funny words. now, josh is human….fuck.
still going to kill him, though.
you guys are silly. the united states will never be a second rate power. when we go down, we’re taking the whole planet with us.
uppity,
you say the nicest things. but i don’t know if our relationship can exist if you don’t insult me.
so to help you out I say fuck you asshole.
fuck your own asshole, faggot!!!!!!!!
thanks, josh, i needed that. back to my old, bigoted self already.
As for me, I’m more intrigued by Josh than ever. White people really are disgusting.
cracka, I’ve read some of Josh’s comments, we know he lives in NYC or thereabouts, is a comedian, and got bumped by Dave Chappelle at the Apollo.
I’m too lazy to find out when Chappelle was at the Apollo, and then find the billing for that night.
Hello AmericANUS’s
As usual you wait till the kind, good and generous part of the world is asleep to start talking. Fear not, I, SuperSmoggy Batmanzrubble, have arrived to boost the tone and intellect of this on-line conversation. My first jewel of knowledge is for Yo–who didn’t understand the British joke (see post 23) about two elephants falling off the cliff “Boom, boom”.
To appreciate this joke you have to have had an impoverished 1970s childhood in the British Commonwealth, when the only thing to watch on television was in irritating glove-puppet fox named Basil Brush. “Boom, boom” was Basil’s signature cry after he had made a joke–the verbal equivalent of a joke drum roll if you like. After hearing this piece of inanity thousands of times, children in Britain, Australia and New Zealand (and similar impoverished places) behan adding “Ha…ha…ha…boom, boom” to the end of conversation intended to be humorous. For proof that I am not pulling your tits, I offer the youtube exhibit below.
No need to thank Professor Smoggy–a small donation will suffice (say 700 billion?)
thanks cracka,
you had me worried that you were going soft.
I don’t know how I would live if I wasn’t looking over my shoulder for some smart ass cracka trying to kill me.
Nun said:
“As for me, I’m more intrigued by Josh than ever. White people really are disgusting.”
Are the two sentences related?
yoyo, earlier today he said he was featured in a comedy festival this week. there is one comedy festival in NYC this week. how many joshes are in that festival and have blogs that mention their pregnant wives?? just one. so, if you want to know you can know. but, think about it first. do you really want to know?
actually cracka, there are 3 people that fit that profile (maybe 2 and a half)
okay, so. josh is one of two and a half possible people in the world.
white people really are disgusting. well, i don’t know, nun. i’ve met some pretty undisgusting white women.
I think Josh is this guy:
http://humor.about.com/b/2007/06/14/257913.htm
Josh is Wanda Sykes??? Cool!
Damn, cracka, you have offered me fruit from the Tree of Knowledge!!!
Should I refuse, and remain here in this garden of bright images? Or partake, opening my eyes to a greater world? (And possibly being driven out of the Garden, God setting cherubin with flaming assholes to prevent my return?
They are related, Josh but I won’t elaborate further. If you are who you might be, further elaboration won’t be needed. And if you’re not who you might be, the other guy is fucking funny!!
Agreed, if Josh is the Josh linked above he is indeed very fucking funny.
Smoggy, thanx for the info on “Boom, boom”.
I have left a cheque, made out in your name, in a brown paper bag next to the Inglewood Great Wars Memorial.
he’s not that josh. he is the josh whose blog has a story about his run in with dave chapelle…or is it chappelle. i don’t remember.
anyway, thanks for killing the chapelle show, josh!!!
Josh has outed himself but you shouldn’t help, Cracka. Let people remember the things he’s talked about on their own.
holy crap…did josh just tell us who he is??
cool….
Thanks Yo, I sent great grandma Batzrubble to collect the cheque. She brought all the flowers home as well:
http://www.nzhistory.net.nz/media/photo/inglewood-first-world-war-memorial
PS Most Americans don’t spell cheque properly. Who are you really?
“PS Most Americans don’t spell cheque properly. Who are you really?”
Ha – we’ve ‘outed’ Josh, isn’t one enough?
I don’t believe it was Josh’s intention to out himself. It’s just that those of us who have paid attention to the things he’s said can connect the dots.
isn’t yoyo the one with the canadian, sorry canadien wife? canadiens write cheques.
I didn’t do it on purpose, should have know those effing crackas are crafty.
I’m puzzled by the ‘reverse rest’ position of the rifle – if I’d set the muzzle on my foor or the ground in Basic Training, I’d have received a stern lecture by the Drill Sergeant!
well, whatever, now we know that josh is comedian in new york with a pregnant wife who tried to assassinate dave chapelle. isn’t that what we knew before?
And then got my ass kicked.
Hey nun,
Did you know that “Brazen Sunned Nudism” is an anagram of your name?
cracka, when are you headed East? Or are you going to tell us after you kill him?
yeah, josh, what we crackas do to stay in power isn’t that complex. we extort, intimidate and blackmail. it’s as old as books about staying in power written by italian guys named machiavelli. so, you can only blame yourself for your failure to recognize my inherent behavioral patterns.
[...] October 9, 2008 Posted by Skepdude in Stuff God Hates. Tags: Christians, God, Jews, muslims trackback CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES” [...]
do all new zealanders have strange obsessions with letters and etymology or just the ones who fuck sheep?
and we know that yoyo is american because he went to basic training at fort dix. does that mean he isn’t lying? not necessarily.
nun, are we observant because of x files or do we like x files because we are observant? should we drive around the country investigating paranormal phenomenon? you can be scully.
it has already been done, cracka has killed me.
but i refuse to die!!!
fuck, my profile did not update.
Fuck. Now you guys have me wondering who Josh is! And I’m too tired to go sifting back through the posts to connect all the clues. What is this, Fuckin Twin Peaks? Where’s the talking log?
Yo,
Reversed arms is used to honour the dead. At our ANZAC Day dawn ceremonies, the soldiers in the honour guard stand this way. So do Australians (I think Canadians use it also),
http://www.awm.gov.au/commemoration/customs/arms.asp
yeah, he’s dead. but, but only as dead as ben ever was. stupid virtual murdering isn’t that effective.
Oh! My bad. The talking log has checked in. That’s the dude from New Zealand.
TWIN PEAKS?!!!
another classic 90s show…
ummm… you think I’ve got strange obsessions cracka? Is it I, Supersmoggy, who has been fixating on josh for the last few thousand posts? Online stalking cracka…very nasty…
[whisper] Josh, if a wizened little cracka with a scabby dick and no teeth starts turning up at your performances, be very afraid…
smoggy, why do you know so much weird shit about new zealand? i think smoggy is murray from flight of the conchords.
I’ll bet Smoggy really lives in Kansas, where the only book not banned from the library is an atlas of New Zealand.
ha! shows what you know! my scabs have healed up and i’ve got new porcelain veneers!!! foolish smoggy. now that i’ve virtually disposed of josh and ben, i can kill the next person on my list: anne johnson.
fuck. there a lot of anne johnson in new jersey.
anyway, johnson, palin in philly in a public gathering where the crowd isn’t partisan and didn’t promise to be polite…she’s going to get an earful of jeers, isn’t she?
curses…is there nowhere to hide?
I confess…it was me…I killed Laura Palmer. I murdered her on my way home from the supermarket and wrapped her in cling film.
But she asked for it….she did. She saw my shopping, and she spotted my plastic wrap, and she said in a breathy, come-murder-me voice: “Oooh yummy, cling film, I’d like to be wrapped in that…”
What’s a psycho to do?
johnson-183, nicely done, i will postpone my murder. for now.
Smoggy, your name is an anagram for “Gobbles Tzar By Gum”
I’m from New England, we’re still a little closer to the Old Country than the Johnie-come-latelies to the West.
I can trace my ancestors in America back to before the Mayflower landing. However, when I get too uppity about it, my wife reminds me her ancestors were here to meet the boat!
johnson, tell your daughter to listen to fantomas. as far as avant garde is concerned you can’t beat mike patton. lightning bolt is great, too. animal collective. jandek is a guy that records in his house by himself with no record company. the only way to get his music is to send $5 to a p.o. box somewhere and wait. his fanlist includes people like sonic youth, daniel johnston, other weirdos.
Kansas? My great-great-great-grandmother was a little girl in Kansas. She got caught in a twister and her house fell on pagan annie’s great-great-grandmother (a foul witch from somewhere out east). Witchcraft has been in annie’s family a loooooong time. Now you all know why she hates me so much.
okay. i’m done learning about you people. accidentally read about johnson’s life. josh outed himself. now this? NOOOO!!!
I can believe in talking scarecrows and flying monkeys. But having a house fall on a witch, with no paperwork? Impossible!
A review of the Wizard of Oz:
Young woman is separated from her family and home, accidently kills magical being. The magical being’s sister swears vengeace on the young woman. Young woman assembles a rag-tag team who defeat the sister, restoring balance to the land.
I quite like: Blazer Bob Gym Guts
Heh, sounds like a gruesome version of SpongeBob!
uppity,
how do you accidently read something?
Nun,
I get how your earlier comment is connected, nicely done. thanks.
Don’t worry, Josh. Cracka is a cracka and will forget all about you next time he tries works so diligently to get an erection.
Nobody else here will figure out, or so it seems. As for me, my lips are sealed. Just know that my hate here is manifested for the joy of others, it really doesn’t exist. I love everybody but crackas.
well, josh, in my uppitycrackerness i have little self control in collecting information on my potential enemies to be used for political clout at a later time. i am so good at this that i sometimes do it without even knowing it…that’s how.
I dunno, I still think ‘Josh’ could be a Josh-the-Comedian fan, carefully dropping hints from Josh-the-Comedian’s blog.
Dear sweet annie, lets forget past wrongs and [twitch] dance together under the stars [twitch] with faeries.
Come dance with me…in a [twitch] quiet cabin…alone…in the dark….just me…and…you…and my [cackle] roll of clingfilm…[twitch]
ow
Cracka: Thanks for #188 and for sending it before you murder me. Just please make sure it’s me you murder, and not the Anne Johnson in the next block. Seriously, I use her health plan to fill my prescriptions. They can’t keep us straight at the pharmacy.
Cracka, you can kill Josh and my daughter in one wknd in NYC. Two for the price of one! My daughter’s going to a concert. If you can call it that.
damn
Nun said “As for me, my lips are sealed”
No, too easy – even cracka won’t comment on that!
that’s fine with us, nun!! us pretend crackers have NO LOVE for you pretend nunwhores, either!!!!!!!!
despite that, i really hope the seahawks win this weekend. the only thing i hate more than ethnics is packer fans.
200! Woot! Second day in a row that God’s asleep at the wheel!
“Bob,” I didn’t know they were allowed to air “Twin Peaks” in Kansas.
yoyo, her lips are finally sealed. it was a covert operation that cost millions in taxpayer money and thousands of young lives, but we finally sealed those cancerous meatflaps.
Can one of you explain the pronunciation of Arkansas to me?
Anne, how was the Residents concert?
Now I’m seeing a weird old dude in a bunny suit screaming his lungs out about a cave on the island of Patmos. I think I’d better lie down.
http://www.residents.com/
Smoggy – it’s French.
So what’s Kansas?
Arkansas…Kansas…Arkansas…Kansas…
Arkansas…Kansas…Arkansas…Kansas…
Arkansas…Kansas…Arkansas…Kansas…
Arkansas…Kansas…Arkansas…Kansas…
Arkansas…Kansas…Arkansas…Kansas…
…fuckwits…
…and the people who live there can’t read
Kansas was a rock group, back in the late ’70’s.
The Residents concert was batshit weird. The audience was scary. The guy next to me clearly hadn’t been out of his basement since 2001, and when he left it this time he bypassed the shower.
Arkansas is the anus of America, and smells accordingly.
there are a lot of more baffling things about this country, smiggly wiggly, than the pronunciation of two hillbilly states.
I know of three states in America with sizable Batzrubble populations: Kansas, Arkansas, and Missouri, principally in the Ozark region.
‘Piggely Wiggely’ – what braintrust came up with that for a name of a supermarket? (Smoggy, do y’ call them greengrocers?)
That fucker Ratstubble is [twitch] dead…I killed him, ate his [cackle] pancreas…and clingfilmed his corpse. I’m [twitch] sending it to the US for [cackle] sausage meat. You fuckers will soon be so broke [twitch] you’ll eat anything…even Palin’s [twitch] pussy…
there you go, smog. maybe you’re more american than you thought.
Time for another rendezvous with the God Morphius. Fuckin’ standing in line to see The Residents! Someone ought to evaluate me.
Officially outing Smoggy: He’s the leader of The Residents!
“Someone ought to evaluate me.”
We’ve already done that. There’s nothing we can do.
I’m going to spit on the Packers. That’s how close I’m going to be.
Josh,
Thanks. I was only playing off what I found to be quite humorous. It is a strange situation as well, usually it’s the opposite.
Yeah, when Thorazine doesn’t work, you know you’re fucked.
Forgiveness?..the Bible?…Judas frucking priest I’d rather read Shel Silverstein.
Oh Mighty Goddess! I was about to go take a pill and prop up my sore leg! But I bow down to Thee, O Marvelous One! Forever may You reign! And please skip New Zealand when You save the world!
Who put the Thorazine in Ms Johnson’s Ovaltine?” (old song)
Um…guys…I’d like to apologise for that last post from BOB…even though I don’t know him and have no idea who he is. Must be some internet virus.
We don’t have supermarkets or greengrocers, we plant, harvest, kill and eat all our own food. The Noo Zillun equivalent of the Ozarks is called the Hokonui. There they make a potent moonshine called Hokonui Brew, and they have an unusual breed of rare sheep:
http://www.rarebreeds.co.nz/hokonui.html
How are the sheep in bed, Smoggy?
JOHNSON-”Someone ought to evaluate me.”
i already did that, remember? we’ve concluded that you are batshit crazy.
‘batshit crazy’ – is that a recognized term in the DSM-IV?
Are they Merinos or Hokonuis?
“please skip New Zealand when You save the world”
Yes…please do. We’re already saved and we know it. Noo Zillund is paradise. You think the Jews are God’s chosen people? Ha! Have you seen anything like this in Israel?
http://www.davidwallphoto.com/searchresults.asp?tx=&ts=&c=&t=32&Lids=&Gids=&p=1&n=19412&phrase=
no, yoyo, but it will be in DSM-V!!! wooohoooo!!!
Where are all the Jews?? I need Jewish assistance.
jews!!! where are you??? nun has finally decided to get circumcised!!!
Where are all the Jews? Perhaps they’re all busy moving here–to our capital city.
http://www.davidwallphoto.com/searchresults.asp?tx=&ts=&c=&t=32&Lids=&Gids=&p=22&n=4942&phrase=
or here
http://www.davidwallphoto.com/searchresults.asp?tx=&ts=&c=&t=32&Lids=&Gids=&p=21&n=1940&phrase=
Hmmm…I score that round as a KO for Smoggy.
Sleep well Americanuses…I have to go to work. My sheep call to me.
sad little [twitch] fucking pervert [cackle]…i’m gonna gut him…
eh, i don’t smoggy, we have all that natural beauty in america, too. plus we got ghettos and trailer courts. so, fuuuu-u-u-u-u-uuck yo-o-o-o-ouuu…
i’m going to get drunk and hate stuff indiscriminately.
So, can Jews read or do they just enjoy it immensely when Gentiles have questions about Judiasm? Or is it that they don’t even know about the books they read.
I’ve been able to determine that the Jewish Scriptures are called the Tanakh and that the Tanakh is made up of three parts… the Torah which is the 5 books of Moses, the Prophets(AKA some Hebrew word) that is the books of the Prophets… Job, etc., and the Writings(AKA some other Hebrew word)… as I’ve purchased the Torah and the Prophets, I’m assuming that I have accumulated two-thirds of the Hebrew Bible. Can somebody confirm or deny?
What is the book that is titled “Kabbalah”? Is it just further analysis of some of the aspects of Judiasm? What is the Essential Torah? As far as I can tell, it’s just a Rabbi going into depth about the Torah.
Please, Jews. Please help this poor, ignorant Gentile girl.
I haven’t read the book, bu I have seen that great Jewish war film, Torah! Torah! Torah!
Nun, where are the Jews? Seriously? It’s fucking Yom Kippur. They’re not allowed to use electricity.
A-GUH-DER!
Smoggy,
You are too clever to succumb to Benitis and post under multiple names. STOP IT!!
Oh shit. I told ya I was an ignorant Gentile girl. I’m sure Ben is right and I just dissed him… umm, sorry about that, Ben.
“You are too clever to succumb to Benitis and post under multiple names”
…sniff…nun loves me…
I love you too nun!
You already knew I loved you. You just want to hear it over and over again. You’re just like a bitch.
…and I’d love to gut you and lick your viscera [twitch]…
Sorry nun…but it wasn’t me that brought up Twin Peaks…blame cracka and paganannie
Ummm… who does Bob want to gut? And the only good Bob is the one who sits on Chuck’s hand and tries to look up Mary’s skirt.
Whoever gets the reference gets a biscuit.
SOAP!
Give my biscuit to Billy Crystal
Billy Crystal is going to get a biscuit.
SOAP! I’m ashamed to say I’d completely forgotten about Soap. I used to love that show!
Right up there with Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman
Nun, Kabbala isn’t a book, it’s a practice using numbers based on the Hebrew alphabet. This is a reach, but it’s kind of like a Jewish Tarot. You have to study it .. I suppose there are books that tell you how it’s done, but there’s no specific book called The Kabbala. If there was, Sarah would have had it thrown out of the Wassilla public library, along with Captain Underpants and the old Twin Peaks VHS series.
Smoggy only thinks New Zealand is paradise because he hasn’t seen New Jersey.
Anne,
There is a book called “Kabbalah”. I saw it at the bookstore but did not pick it up as I was only interested in the Hebrew Bible. I’m sure it’s just a detail of the practices and such but I was wondering if anybody knew if it was like a guide or something.
Hey paganannie, I’ve seen New Jersey owing to the fact that I’ve never missed an episode of the Sopranos! You’re right, it’s way better than NZ. Killing of Adrianna?–love those forests!
Christian the Jew: Shut up. You are not a jew.
Nun: Go hang yourself. Try to understand and you never will.
God: You pick the muslims as your favorite and that pedophile muhammad, don’t make me laugh.
Little do you guys know that the true Moshiach is a war lord. He will cut off heads and hands to make his point clear.
Amen.
I never quite dug the idea of forgiveness. Personally it just reduces any free time I may have.
The reasons Christians keep begging for forgiveness because they keep fucking up in The Eyes of The Lord. These goat testicle fondling vermin will eventually be smoten.
Nun,
Kabbalah is an esoteric discipline and school of thought based on ancient Judaism. It provides a mystical basis for understanding the creation of the universe and the forces of nature. This secret lore is akin to the fruit of the Tree of Life in Eden.
Its secretive aspect derives from foreign conquests during numerous historical eras that drove the Jewish leaders to limit knowledge of the doctrines, for fear that their powers might cause great harm in the hands of the undisciplined general public. In many ways it is similar to the arcane philosophy and allegorical metaphors of Freemasonry.
Its fundamental tenet envisions two aspects of the nature of God: the theological principle of an abstract and unknowable supreme entity who is at once a part of and beyond all existence (rather than a personal deity of any kind), and the revealed aspect of God that is manifested in the physical world and mankind.
The ten manifestations or “agencies” by which god crates and controls the condition of the world are: wisdom, insight, cognition, strength, power, will, justice, right, love, and mercy.
Many Jews view Kaballah as a subject worthy of scholarly study, but do nor accept it as teaching literal truths. The main aspect of its practice is meditation.
The foremost kabbalistic text is generally considered to be “Zohar”.
http://books.google.com/books?id=8O5×8sSAx4MC
Sounds to me like yet another way for self-absorbed fuckwits to waste the best years of their lives.
Yes indeedy, you got it in one!
And like most upscale religions, another basic but secret tenet is that non-believers in the mystic mumbo jumbo should be scorned, converted, subjugated, or just plain exterminated whenever possible.
That’s why I abstain from any organized religion – cuts into game time.
I like today’s Least I Could Do comic: http://www.leasticoulddo.com/#
do you draw that Yo YO? and did you read this post?
Did I read your post? Yes. Did I draw the cartoon? No.
no, did you read God’s post “Forgiveness.” Or do you just come here for the chatter?
I read the post – that’s yesterday’s news. After the first 50 or so comments, we devolve into chatter.
i’m reeeeally hungover. can you guys keep it down? thanks.
BAAL!! Baal, you sir, have my immense gratitude. Thank you for providing that information and the link. It is most appreciated.
Good morning, cracka. I knew you were hung over when you didn’t tell Benny to STFU.
I hope cracka doesn’t have to set any IVs today.
I hope I never end up at Cracka’s free clinic.
Where is that big, fat Chinese guy, Josh? I want to know what he thinks about The Sarah Silverman show. I finally watched it last night.
what big fat chinese guy? do you mean my old rommate? he’s Korean, and I stopped living with him.
shhhhhhhhh…turn off the light on your way out.
i need a bloody mary.
Campaign of misinformation, Josh. Go with it, buddy. You’re a big, fat Chinese guy which is why you’re always so offended when Curtis and I start hating on the Asians.
I was most unimpressed with Sarah Silverman’s show. Have you seen it?
I watched the first 4 or 5 eps. just not into it.
I used to have a crush on Sarah, as she is cute for a comedian. but alas, I do not like her comedy. It’s not well written, it’s just “look at this pretty package say some horrible things. oops did I just say nigger? *wink* *wink*”
if you took her exact act and put it in the hands of an unattractive white male he would be shot on sight.
oh yeah ching chong Danny devito.
heh… somebody watched South Park last night. I love the way Butters shoots everybody in the dick.
I was sorely disappointed with Sarah Silverman’s show. It was stupid. Not funny at all. I do really enjoy her fucking Matt Damon though.
i laughed at her stand up once when she said,
“after my show a puerto rican woman came up to me and said, ‘that joke you told about us just isn’t true’ and i felt so bad because you can’t smell yourSELF.” other than that, she’s fucking matt damon. and that’s pretty much it.
Hate Sarah Silverman. Did you see her on Olbermann last night? ick.
To be fair to Matt Damon, part of the reason that video is so laugh-out-loud-hilarious is because nobody expects Matt Damon to start singing about all the places he fucked somebody. The whole hip-hop segment is fucking hysterical. I love the way Damon rides the pony.
I fucked Ben Affleck is stupid though. Sorry, Kimmel.
Nun,
South Park’s “Ching Chong Danny Devito” was a homage to Rosey Odonnel’s racist remarks from when she was on the view.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0HtTReGt08
I personally thought Rosie was right, funny and made a valid point, but Chinese people hated it.
I’m pretty sure Butters said it as well in the episode last night when he was pretending to be Chinese. I think anyway… it was hard to understand amongst all the ‘ching-changs’. Did anybody see that episode? That one had me laughing, even if it was a kind of shocked ‘Spielberg-is-fucking-Indy-up-the-butt’ laugh.
They’re right though… aliens had no business being in an Indiana Jones flick.
i saw it (not on tv but online at work when my boss wasn’t looking)
great ep. of South Park. I hated Indy part 4, Jesus and Aliens don’t belong in the same ethos.
Hahaha!! Does anybody like Elisabeth Hasselbeck? Related videos on the link that Josh posted. I wish she wasn’t my QBs sis-in-law.
Josh said: “Jesus and Aliens don’t belong in the same ethos.”
No, they don’t. I’m a huge fan of Spielberg and Lucas but lately, they have taken to doing things that I don’t agree with. Indy 4 would be a prime example. Their inability to let their movies rest in peace without being constantly fucked with would be another. And this is probably just because I’m a huge fan of The X-Files but using aliens the same year that an XF flick is coming out? Lame. Even though there were no aliens in the latest XF flick, there were plenty of reviews of Indy 4 that I read that mentioned it would have played better if it was an X-Files story.
Indy 4 was horrible!
Haven’t seen it to be honest with you. I didn’t want to see Indy raped. I sat through Temple of Doom and that was enough Indy rape to last me a lifetime.
Nun,
you didn’t like Short Round?!?!?!
“You say stand here, I stand here. not my fault. her fault.”
Josh, what’s up with the new gravatar?
I’m dead, Cracka killed me.
yeah, he’s dead. i killed him, remember? he’s in catholic purgatory with the dead babies like ben was. i’m a very patient stalker.
I wasn’t particularly fond of Short Round but I did think the role of the child in that film was handled very well.
“You call him Dr. Jones, doll!”
“pensers of peril, pensers of peril!!” oh, wrong movie, just the same character.
was it just me, or did everyone already know that James Brolin from No Country for Old Men played the older brother in Goonies? THat blew my mind!
Josh, you’re lucky you’re not in Limbo. The pope closed it down. Ever since I’ve been wondering what happened to Virgil.
did anyone watch SNL last night?
I claim 300 with my cold dead hand!!!!!!
Feeling better, cracka? The hangover, I mean. Not killing Josh.
How can a dead person post comments?
That was Josh Brolin, Josh. James is his dad and is married to Barbra Streisand.
oops. I meant Josh, but seriously that blew my mind.
Anne,
please look at my gravatar, I am dead however I am a zombie, capable of movement and rudimentary thought. Therefore me being dead is actually an improvement.
What about Erica What’s-Her-Name? She was the girl that Elliott kissed in E.T. and she grew up to be a major hottie. And then there’s Hayden Peniblahblah who was the little girl in Remember the Titans who has also grown up to be a hottie on Heroes. It’s always weird to see former child actors come back into acting after stepping away.
It certainly is an improvement from the big, fat Chinese guy that we used to talk to. I prefer Josh zombiefied.
Nun,
I’m am on weight watchers and a string regiment of Anti-Chinese gene therapy. Ching chong.
strong not string!!!
Old Josh’s horrible spelling is haunting Zombie Josh
hangover’s improving. mcdonald’s, coffee, juice, soda, water, ibuprofen, alka seltzer, more water, oxygen therapy (a little known, but effective hangover remedy).
It’s because you’re Chinese. With the exception of ‘ching’, ‘chang’ and ‘chong’; the Chinese can’t spell worth shit. I do like your little pointy hat though.
Poor Josh. You are now a zombie. I can’t link to it directly, but please go to this link and listen to the second song in the right hand column.
http://www.songstowearpantsto.com/
Curtis,
even though you want to kill me I still love you. Zombies love anyone with a brain.
YOu guys should play Stubbs the Zombie: Rebel without a Pulse. It’s not the best game in the world but it is very well written.
BRAAINNNSSS!
well, if you’re lookin for brains you came to wrong place! hey-oh!!!
worst joke of the day so far?
Hey Zombie Josh,
Do you know what a vegetarian zombie moans?
“brains!, braaaaiiiins!!”
Feel free to use that. It’s comedy gold!
Oh shit!!!
I meant to say “grains!”
Jesus I must be hung over like Cracka.
I wondered, Curtis. I wasn’t going to tell you that your joke made no sense.
Obviously, Nun, I forgot my brain today. I will now hang my head in shame for the rest of the day.
Anne,
Did you get Excalibur?
Nun,
Did you get Idiocracy?
are grains vegetables? i think i’m going to hate vegetarians today. fucking vegan pussies!!!!!!! get out of my country!!!!!!!!
if you read josh’s posts like he’s a moaning zombie the normal sentences sounds funny;
nu-u-u-u-un, did you ge-e-e-e-t id-ee-ocraceeeeeee?
Not yet, Josh but I will.
Cracka, is there any group of people you don’t hate or do you hate nondiscriminatory?
Not yet, Zombie, but I will. I’m afraid to go to the video store because I’ll have to catch up my late fees.
Curtis, go back to bed and get up on the right side this time.
Anne, my bed is up against the wall. That’s probably what happened.
cracka’s hate is like that monster in “Yellow Submarine” that starts sucking things up and winds up sucking up everything, including itself.
I love that film.
Anne,
who goes to a video store anymore? Step into the 21st century and get netflix or blockbuster home delivery!
late fees, johnson? tell me, how does someone living in 1994 post on the WWWs? you got one of them telephony modems?
curtis, my hate is indiscriminate. almost purely. i am reminded of a line in one of the dirty harry films. “harry’s not racist. he hates everybody the same.”
check that, curtis. there is one group i like: hot, mute sluts.
Cracka must love the movie Jennifer 8.
don’t feel bad, nun. one out of three ain’t bad.
Yea! Cracka likes me! He really likes me!!
You didn’t specify gender.
Why should I feel bad? I don’t want you to like me. You’re creepy.
sorry, curtis, you talk too much…
you only think i’m creepy because my opinions are stupid and i rape and i murder and i’m a grumpy looking yellow circle. once you get past all that, i’m really a pretty nice guy.
It’s not your opinions that are stupid. It’s you.
Nun,
with all due respect there is only room for one idiot on this blog and Ben and I fight for that title on a daily basis.
With Ben being MIA, I am currently the idiot so don’t try to say Cracka has my job!!!!
You’re a Chinese idiot. Cracka is just a stupid cracka. There’s a difference.
but i am capable of intellectualising (for you, smog) my way into some convoluted justification for my horrible opinions. so, i’m an idiot in the way william f buckley was an idiot.
if that fails, i just TYPE IN ALL CAPS!!!!!!!!!!!!
Zombie Josh, If Cracka stalked you correctly – I have only to say, ‘VERY WITTY!’
If he didn’t then that guy is pretty funny anyway.
Josh is a big, fat Chinese guy who isn’t funny at all.
“worst joke of the day so far?”
Dammit, stay outta my turf!
I hate Asians with the white hot intensity of a whole bunch of energy wasting incandescent light bulbs!
What do constipated zombie moan?
“Braaan! Need braaan!!”
Just in time for lunchbreak — you guys should see the parasites we identified from one of our patients this morning. NASTY!
I spit on Asians. You hear that, Ching Chong Josh? I spit on you and hate you with the white-hot intensity of a few dozen suns.
Curtis, please step into the 21st century and hate with CFLs or LED lighting. Good for the environment – you can hate more, and still save energy and money!
Nun, I thought you didn’t spit.
What kind of parasites, Curtis? Enough to make you wear a full body suit of some kind?
there you go, curtis! doesn’t hate feel good? keep it up and pretty soon you’ll be fucking women like a ‘normal’ person!!
there’s yoyo, i was beginning to miss your vaudeville act, buddy. no one’s been squirted in the face with seltzer water all day. who’s on first? what’s on second?
Wucka, wucka, yutz, yutz! These two goys walk into a bar…take my life, please!…And the bartender said, no, I thought it was your duck!
Yo, go back and read what I said about the Packers. You men get hung up on picturing your fucking cock in some woman’s mouth and you ignore everything else that is being said.
The technical name is Strongyloides stercoralis. Basically, little worms that infest the GI tract. I’ve washed my hands with bleach.
tell me about it, curtis. one day this chick brought a sort of translucent worm in a jar…like 6 inches long. said she fished it out of the toilet. just looking at it, i almost puked. some people did. never found out what it was, either. what’d you guys find?
cracka, in honor of your hangover I didn’t do any schtick this morning. But with Nun spitting, and Curtis discussing parasites, a few jokes wouldn’t make you any worse.
i see you answered my question before i asked it. and nun says I’M creepy?
It’s because you are in a different time zone than Curtis, cracka.
Cracka, I’ve been trying to pray the gay away, but God is ignoring my request at the moment. Maybe I’ll grow out of this phase.
From wikipedia: “Strongyloidiasis appears to have a high prevalence in some areas of Brazil and Central America…”
Was the patient from South America, Curtis?
anne,
Dead people can post … just look at me.
i’m feeling better. operating at about 65% capacity now. steadily climbing upward. orgasms release endorphins that aid in the recovery process. so next time you’re hungover just follow these steps.
water, ibuprofen, alka seltzer, bloody mary, greasy food, more fluids, intercourse…all that before work!! if you have an oxygen tank where you work they come in handy, too.
And now off to Friday afternoon strategic planning. Why, God, why have this meeting on a Friday afternoon?!??
Stupid job. I hate my job with the intensity of about a gozillion LED.
Y’all be good now.
Fuck the 21st century. Fuck Netflix, tried it, can’t afford it. Fuck the fact that i was the first person in my company to use the first fuckin word processor they bought. Fuck that word processor. Fuck all computers. Fuck energy-saving appliances. Fuck fuckin bird-killing windmills!
I want three networks and PBS. I want a downtown with a main street and local shop owners. I want a morning and an evening newspaper. I WANT PENNY CANDY!
Cracka hates people. I hate centuries. The 21st century can go fuck itself.
Zombie Fans,
You should check out “FIdo”
Billy Connolly stars in the title role as a domesticated zombie.
It’s all in mime; he only has one line – “ARRGH”
curtis, we’re all praying for you.
anne, move to my town. If you don’t get Dish Network, you only get three networks and PBS. Every Saturday, my youngest son and I stop at the local (and locally owned) general store, he spends a dollar on penny candy. I buy the paper. Sadly, we don’t have an evening paper.
I wish I could move into a Norman Rockwell painting. Even Thomas Kinkaide, although the blurriness would suck
I’m not praying for Curtis. He’s the only sane one among us.
“He’s the only sane one among us.”
That’s why we need to pray for him.
Did it bother me when people smoked on Greyhound and in movie theaters? No. Fuck the 21st century!
And there was none of this global warming shit either. My teachers said we were headed into another Ice Age.
Abstinence education? FUCK THAT SHIT. We gals just went to the state public health office and got free birth control pills!
I want my century back.
Of course, we all played with toys covered in lead paint, rode around without seatbelts, ate Wonder-Bread and bologna.
The child car seats weren’t safe at all.
drugs were better and cheaper, bands were better and rock festivals were better and tv was better and movies were better and gas was like 89 cents and weed was, well okay, 21st century weed is better. but other than that, what have the romans ever done for us?? (reference, anyone?)
…drank water from lead pipes, asbestos insulation, pollution…
anne,
I’m with you. Back in the day, I thought that Y2K was just advertising bullshit so the computer industry could make you buy new schlock you didn’t need. I see now that it really was the beginning of a new era, and not so much the Age of Aquarius. It’s like a little creature that has been quietly growing for the last eight years and is just staring to stretch out show its true character.
I wonder what the history books will call it. Maybe we should start a new era name pool?
and we’ll have to live for another 92 years to get rid of this century!!! shit!!!!
Good luck with that, cracka.
how about the ‘holy shit, conspiracy theorists like nun were right’ era?
all I know is when the year 2000 came an went it meant the TV show “Millennium” had to be cancelled!!!!
all I know is when the year 2000 came and went it meant the TV show “Millennium” had to be cancelled!!!!
how about the ‘oh shit we are so screwed’ era?
…beverly hills 90210, trance music, limp bizkit, gigantic cell phones…
or the “internet zombie” era?
…boy bands, raver pants, goatees, friends haircuts…
tony,
you have to be a zombie to use the term zombie other wise please refer to me and others of my kind at Life Challenged Americans. Thank you.
…the macarena, bosnia, david hasselhof…
do you guys remember when every man in america had a goatee for like three years? what the hell were we thinking? ridiculous. life challenged josh, is it true that your hair and fingernails continue to grow after i murder you?
Some fans want a Millennium film bad, Josh. You one of them?
Josh
Life Challenged is OK (not necessarily American)
But we still need epithets for when you brain suckers are not around.
speaking of crazy chinese fat guys,
the chinese dude from Austin powers (Random task) has been arrested for gang rape!!!!!
TMZ reports that Random Task (real name: Joe Son) was arrested for felony vandalism this past May and he had to give a DNA sample. Joe’s DNA matched a sample from an unsolved 1990 gang rape. TMZ has the gory details of the rape.
…Achy Breaky Heart, Hanson, hair bands, Buick Roadmaster, grunge…
i dont want that film nun. no way. let it die. no more Zombie films like Indy being raped.
Cracka,
I’ll let you know tomorrow if my 5 o’clock shadow is here.
I do know I still get a boner though.
“do you guys remember when every man in america had a goatee for like three years? ”
Just look at your high school yearbook. What were we thinking??
“I do know I still get a boner though.”
That’s Rigor Mortis – it’ll pass within twelve hours. Kinda like Viagra.
Huh?
hahaha!!! yeah. remember when chicks wore shoulder pads? seriously? what the fuck?!
I just had to try that once
nice rigor mortis joke, yoyo.
“I just had to try that once”
What? Shoulder pads, or Viagra?
Heh, thanks, cracka. I’ll sell it to Josh, he can use it if he plays Vegas.
Both of the above, but mostly the century comment
tony snow took 400 with a “huh?”, really? lucky ass dead guy.
I can’t play all day, but I do what I can.
You could rip out a set of shoulder pads with a scissors and throw them away. Viagra is here to stay. Maybe we ought to call this the “viva the boner pill century”
I’m actually more of a lurker. Sometimes the posts are just cookie crumbs to help me catch the thread after a break.
So few things haven’t changed, but at least the Eagles still suck.
Tony’s a lurk-off.
the more things change, the more the eagles still suck…the band and the team.
Where’s God? Yom Kippur is over.
I’ve got a question for all my fellow South Park pervs… in the episode from last night, the one where Lucas and Spielberg go to jail for raping Indiana Jones, what film is the first rape scene from? I get Deliverance and The Accused but what’s the first one? Anybody know?
after hearing a bunch of people confess, God needs to detox. You know he heard some pretty fucked up stuff yesterday and probably had to hit the bong and then liquor store.
nun,
i thought that was the first one.
Cartman’s dream was the olympics.
shouldn’t you go to the liquor BEFORE you hit the bong?
Not Cartman’s dream, Josh. Stan’s dream. The lawyer imagines the scene from The Accused and the cop imagines the scene from Deliverance. I can’t tell what film Stan’s dream is from.
Nun,
I just went back and watched it. i know the scene you’re talking about but I think it’s not a parody of anything, it’s just the set up.
Not Cartman’s dream, Josh. Stan’s dream. The lawyer imagines the scene from The Accused and the cop imagines the scene from Deliverance. I can’t tell what film Stan’s dream is from.
I see what you said, Josh. I just didn’t see it before I posted my comment.
FUCK CABLE TV!
Fuck network programming!!
FUCK REALITY SHOWS!!! FUCK AMERICAN IDOL ESPECIALLY!!! FUCK!!!!!!!
we’re never going to get to 500 at this rate.
shut up, ben!! even though you haven’t posted for a while. i’m just reinforcing the idea.
fuck non-caucasians!!!
fuck caucasians because syllablically speaking they are comprised of “cock” and “asian”, which means they are very, very small!!!!!
looks like cracka went to the anne’s school of posting to reach 100 marks
… which I learned from Smoggy, but at least I don’t use 300 aliases.
the word’s not syllablically, it’s syllabically! josh, you missed your opportunity to weakly face me.
It’s all Anne Johnson, all the time, all hating on the 21st century. Not hating on Asians, though. I’ve got the ultimate rainbow family.
i’m just posting inane gibberish in my own name in a transparent attempt to centurify myself. it’s like a highlander quickening. every time you do it you get stronger. and josh gets beheaded. again.
me face someone on spelling? never, just not possible.
Speaking of Smoggy, I guess he’s out doing his Saturday sheep-shagging. Otherwise he’d be here by now, drowning us in useless facts about New *who the fuck cares* Zealand.
there can be only one cracka
I don’t post inane gibberish here. I have a blog for that, thank you.
johnson, you HAVE to hate asians here. even if you are asian. it’s one of the rules. like shut up, face, century quickenings, kissing God’s ass, calling nun a whore, HATING ASIA.
i think century claims must be made by posting,
“THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!”
I AM NOT A WHORE!!
Nun gives it away, so technically…
I hate Friday afternoon meetings more than I hate Asians!
I’m going home now to kill any brain cells that I may still have left with hefty amounts of alcohol. Sorry, Zombie Josh. You won’t like me any more.
Y’all have a great weekend!
Meetings should be scheduled for Monday morning – let’s get the misery over in one lump!
Have a good one, Curtis.
later Curtis!
Well, now what do we do?
make fun of curtis’ sexual orientation behind his back. what else?
did anyone watch Thursday Night Live? I just finished watching it at work and it pretty much sucked. But if SNL called me I would be on that show in a minute.
Cracka i think Curtis would love for you to be behind his back giggling like a little school girl.
curtis has a stretched out pooperhole from all the weird “sex” he has.
i propose a constitutional amendment to declare, once and for all, that sex be defined as the union between one man’s penis and one woman’s vagina.
I veto that cracka!!!!
what about butt sex, and mouth sex? Not to mention boobie sex! and arm pit sex!
I watched some highlights online. I hate watching an entire SNL just to see a few humorous moments (it’s been like that a long time).
Thank God for the highlight website! Now, I can sound ‘with it’ when I stand around the water cooler with my co-workers.
your coworkers who spend every saturday night at home watching tv?
“i propose a constitutional amendment to declare, once and for all, that sex be defined as the union between one man’s penis and one woman’s vagina.”
I propose an amendment to your amendment: one man’s penis and any woman’s (that he wants) vagina.
zombie josh, that stuff will not be called sex it will be called “fun”.
good addendum, yoyo!!! these friday afternoon meetings can pay off after all!!!
Thanks, cracka!
Cracka,
Your proposed amendment is unconstitutional and discrimatory. Black men have such large penises that they cannot have sex with just a vagina. When you have sex with a black man you have to be prepared to have penis in all orifices at once. The blacks cannot help this, it is simply a matter of genetics and their massive cocks.
nun, since when has the government ever given a shit about black people? besides, doesn’t the constitution clearly define blacks as 3/5 of a person?
or was that just describing their penises?
Well, if you’re a mormon then you believe blacks are cursed for being indecisive. I don’t think they even qualify as people.
right, or if you’re christian (which all of america is by law) you believe that blacks descended of caan, the world’s first murderer, who God cursed by “marking” him. i think it’s pretty obvious.
James Caan?
yes. you may recall the story of james caan and mable abel?
Good post, God. I’m with you on this one.
No one should ever be forgiven for anything.
Yeah, James Caan raped Mable Abel like Abel was a Stormtrooper and Caan was George Lucas.
Cracka,
the constitution defined blacks as 3/5 a man so that that their penises would be equal to a white guys.
3/5 of 10 inches (black guy penis) is equal to 6 inches (white guy penis). Even the founding forefathers knew that could not compete with a full black wang.
Ain’t no one can compete with a black man’s schlong. Longest I’ve seen personally, which doesn’t include the pics that make the rounds on the internet, was 12 inches. That’s a HUGE dick.
Jesus Nun!
that’s a dick left over from slavery!
Agreed. In all honesty, I had to tell him to get off me.
#469 Nun:
I’m so glad you did. I married the big lug.
You must be the one he mumbles about in his sleep.
12 INCHES!!! OUCH!!!
he’d be poking you in the esophagus.
Oh come on, Cracka. You’ve seen those flicks. They had them in the 20th century too.
Anne,
Your man is packing 12?? Damn, girl… you gots skills.
Wait a second! Anne, did you marry out of your race? You go, girl!
I just thought I’d check back to see if y’all were talking about me behind my back.
Cracka, you gots some ’splainin to do!!
Not to brag or anything, but this ol’ white hillbilly measures in at 9 inches. No lie. Uh huh! No freakin’ Asian DNA on me. I must be half black or something. Shame it’s wasted on frivolous butt sex.
Word.
Why do I always kill these threads??? Fucking homophobes.
Nobody loves me. I’m just the token hillbilly homosexual that all of y’all make fun of behind my back.
::sigh::
I’m going to drown my sorrows in some home brew white lightning now and make love to a drain pipe whilst I listen to the Osborn Brothers.
Rocky Top, you’ll always be, home sweet home to me.
Curtis, I love you in a totally chaste and biblical sort of way! You should have been here, because we were talking about meat packing, and I’m sure you would have contributed sound comments to the thread. But alas, we all drifted off to our alcohol and drug and sex binges. Don’t take it personal.
Besides. You didn’t kill the thread. It’s already Saturday in New Zealand, so Smoggy’s not here to stoke the fire. He’s probably stoking a spliff or a sheep right now.
Curtis are you a “well-hung bottom”? a power bottom?
see I’m not homophobic (although I did have to ask my gay friend for those terms)
Thanks, Anne. I love you. I really, really do. Thanks for bolstering my fragile self esteem. If it weren’t for you, I’d be in some gay disco taking meth and giving a blow job to Cracka in a glory hole.
Oh come on! You know he does!
Josh, yes, it’s an oxymoron. Big dick — likes it up the back side. That’s how I roll.
Alright. Enough. Sadly, I have to work in the morning.
‘night you stay up late perverts. I love each and every one of you.
i’m working this weekend, too, curtis. that’s so fucking gay.
cracka,
what a gay psa.
shut up, cooper.
that psa is so Asian! There was even an Asian in it!
Sarah Palin is dropping the first puck at the Philadelphia Flyers season opener tonight, in Philadelphia.
There are six Democrats for every one Republican in Philadelphia.
And this is the town that booed Santa Claus.
I hope she gets her ass handed to her in a beer cup.
Oh no! Anne alone, with just nine posts shy of 500!
*steels herself. walks away*
don’t do it anne, just let it be
on one hand it would be funny to see palin get booed lustily. but, i hope they treat her with respect. i’m sick of this shit.
fuck it. i hope she falls on her ass and gets laughed at.
changed my mind. be respectful.
on second thought, she doesn’t deserve respect. boo her.
no, that’s childish. just sit quietly and enjoy the game.
then again, hockey is a bloody, violent sport. have one of your goons lay her out!
but, that’s half of the problem right there. we need to unite the country, not add fuel to the fire.
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!!!!!!!
eff you guys
Can I poop on you?
Going to do it anyways,
Just being polite
well, that was fortunate for me. my series of comments ended with me getting a century quickening. how nice and completely accidental.
It also made you look really stupid. Congratulations, Cracka.
See Josh? I’m not retarded or gay. I can walk away and give the prize to someone else. So long as it’s not Smoggy.
I vote that Palin gets a traditional Philadelphia howdy.
catmantoad looks like Baal.
interesting. catmantoad is one of those multiple posters. must be a gay retard.
i’m sure palin will be greeted like terrell owens. but, i’m just saying, i’m sick of it. what’s with all the non-pretend hatred?
hate is for right-wing “kristallnacht” campaign rallies. let them embarrass themselves.
It won’t be pretend hatred for Palin. She doesn’t even have the church lady vote in Philly. She won’t even get a vote from the retarded Rocky statue in front of the art museum. She’s hated here so much that the Philadelphia Assembly of God had to train pit bulls to defend the property.
Plus, the bitch shot my snake.
BITCH!!!
You’ve worked a long day, cracka. But don’t mistake this as sympathy. Get back to work!
I guess he went home. Or to the bar. Probably the bar. Or else he’s taking Curtis up on that offer.
I can attest that Cracka does indeed have a rather small “john thomas”. I roofied and had my way with him after his shift. He’ll deny it (of course).
Now to tackle Druidism. Anne, any good books that you could suggest?
Oh yeah, now Josh is next on my list. I need to get to him before Cracka kills him again.
Curtis, as a Druid, I encourage you to read any book you choose! Druidism is less a religion than a mindset that encourages intellectual exploration.
If you want something specifically about the Celtic faith, I suggest “The Celtic Quest.”
Anything else you can get off the web by Googling Isaac Bonewits.
As for Josh, ick. He’s a zombie. Even a buzzard doesn’t fuck dead stuff.
Thanks, Anne. I’ll look it up! Google is my new religion.
Anne,
You got your wish Palin was booed.
I would post a link but I can’t post links on this blog from home, only from work. Also at home I sometimes post with my old picture and name and sometimes not. WordPress sucks.
God,
I wanted to get this off my chest for a long time.
Go fuck yourself you mother fucking ttiti sucking one balled bitch with a king size pussy and a rubber dick. You know you made a mistake creating this stupid world and all these cocksuckers who dwell within it? Just kill everybody already you lonely fuck.
This is the last time I visit this site.
banned!!!!!!
go seachickens!!! but only today. go back to sucking after that!!
curtis, that wasn’t me. i think you roofied the wrong cracka. because if i had a nine inch schlong in my butthole last night i’m pretty sure i would be feeling it today.
anne, Baal, Ben, Blodvoork, cracka, Curtis, jew, Josh, Nun, smoggy, yo yo, Satan, Pirate M, Zeus,
Why don’t y’all come on over to StuffGodHates.com?
Your leading edger,
Tony
tony,
is everything on stuffgodhates.com up and running?
is that where we are all meeting?
Pissed off Jew – Go fuck yourself. You are no longer Jewish. You are now a pissed off baby fucking atheist.
G-d go hang yourself.
Don’t talk to my God that way!!
I love Him so much.
God,
I’m grateful for my superior intellect, besides which most people are as but stumbling fleabrains. But I still can’t forgive you for giving me just an average-sized dick.
“Beautiful Lord God, please forgive me for forgetting to bless that man who sneezed today. And for smoking meth and having gay sex with him. I try not to Lord! In Jesus name, Amen.””
Ah, I see Terd Haggard got through to you!