In this monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has recently received. Afterwards, mortals will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.
QUESTION #1:
David: Dear God, do you hate the Mormons? Is that why you had that mob kill Joseph Smith in 1844?
GOD: First, as to your latter question, I had to smite Joseph Smith because he had gone mad with power, and absolutely fucking hate it when pitiful humans do that. Smith is still getting his ass torn apart by fiery demon cock. As to your former query, I do not hate the entire Mormon religion – just the effeminate-politically correct-single-wife-having Mormons that reside in Salt Lake City, Utah. None of them have any balls.
QUESTION #2:
Master Shake: What is Your opinion on telemarketers?
GOD: I hate them as much as you do. Unless they are working the phones on My Behalf. Then I love them.
QUESTION #3:
Christian The Jew: God, what is your take on people that start speaking in tongues. Are they really talking to you, having some sort of fit, or just attention whores?
GOD: No, they are not attention whores. Far from it. These are just people who are so incredibly special that I have chosen to speak to them personally. It just so happens I only speak to them when they are in church and surrounded by everyone they know.
QUESTION #4:
Anne Johnson: God, can we talk?
GOD: No. I don’t negotiate with pagan wenches. I SMITE THEM!
QUESTION #5:
Sue Doenimm: If you hate Africa, You must not like Bono much, then?
GOD: Of course not. What a dumb question. The answer is so obvious!
QUESTION #6:
Evangelist Curtis: God, why do You allow things to be so fucked up?
GOD: Because it amuses Me! Your delicious sorrow and sweet tears bring Me endless entertainment and joy.
QUESTION #7:
Aesculopius: Good God, God, why are You so duplicitous?
GOD: I’m not. I never lie. I always tell the truth. What reason have I to lie? Lest you forget, I AM ALL POWERFUL!
God,
What is the difference between ‘Pray to God’ and ‘Ask God?’ Those seems like the same thing to me.
Benny – You are clearly an idiot who doth not deserve all the blessings I graciously bestow upon you.
In ‘Pray to God’ you may say a prayer and humbly ask Me for a favor. In ‘Ask God,’ you may humbly ask Me a question.
Well, not you Ben. You are banned from doing either.
God, is giving to the basket at an AA meeting the same as tithing more?
Keep telling me to tithe more, but thought this shit was still going to You anyway.
Christian the Jew – No. That is definitely not the same. That is not giving money to Me, or even to increase the opulence of My Church. That is giving money to buy coffee for recovering alcoholics.
Dear God,
Do you know what’s in the suitcase in Pulp Fiction? My friend says it’s Marsellus Wallace’s soul, but that’s just crazy.
Respectfully yours,
TP
Dear God,
Do You ever get sick of people asking You for the meaning of life? Do You then tell them to look it up in the dictionary?
Regards
Master Shake
Dear God,
As you know, I’m confused about this cannibalism thing. I was brought up a Protestant (sorry) and it is only recently that I was told what the Catholics mean by transubstantiation. Do they actually believe that their crackers and wine become Jesus’s body and blood? I always thought they saw them as symbols like the Protestants do. Some people say it isn’t in Your bestselling book—that some Vatican council decreed it a thousand years later.
This raises a lot of questions for me. Given that You and Jesus are the same, and You felt His crucifixion, how do You and Jesus feel being eaten in millions of small pieces every day? All this blood drinking—is it like being the victim of millions of malicious vampire attacks? Are You losing weight as bits of You get eaten? How do You feel when people with gross mouths—cancerous throats, and heavy smokers, and toothless old crones—swallow You down? Do You like passing through people’s digestive systems and being shat down the flusher? (the idea of God as scat is very worrying to me). If someone vomits up the Host should they be required to eat it again so that it is properly processed and not thrown away with the bits of corn and lumps of diced carrot. If Your crackers are mass produced in heathen countries, can they still be sacred? What if Your wine has been diluted with anti-freeze?
I could go on—but I know You understand me in Your Omniscience.
Yours in confusion,
S. Batzrubble
Dear god,
why did you give people brains but not the ability to use them?
Dear God,
How would you rank the leading members of the TV religion game – Rod Parsley, Joyce Meyer, Joel Osteen – in terms of your favor? Or are they all using Your Name in vain?
Dear God,
Please forgive my boring and stupid question. I have something much more important to ask.
Why do women have multiple orgasms and not men?
snoopy barnstubble, isn’t it obvious?…and, what the fuck is with the 1200 word run-on sentence? i couldn’t even read it. just because it’s tuesday in the netherworld doesn’t mean you have to ruin our monday morning. fuck.
Dear God,
Who’s the leader of the club that’s made for you and me?
If you’re as old as you say you are, you’ll know the answer to this one.
God, why didn’t mccain call obama a nigger? i thought that was going to happen. i watched the whole pointless thing in eager anticipation. all i got was blah, blah, blah. guess you changed your infinite mind, huh?
anne johnson!!!! WE WILL BURN YOU AT THE STAKE!!!!!!
Don’t know the answer to #12, do you, cracka? HAHAHA! That one will separate the sheep from the goats!
why? so you can sacrifice them to some PAGAN GOD?!!! DIE HEATHEN SCUM!!!!!!!!!
I’m still waiting for that answer … oh, it is so simple!
If I die before you figure it out, you will NEVER KNOW! So don’t light that bonfire yet.
Question is at #12.
PS – My Pagan Gods have jars of jam older than Jehovah the Jealous. Don’t let the white beard fool ya. He’s a tot among deities. Even Zeus is older.
God,
On Your divine blog, You have expressed Your disdain for men with broken penises and You have also mentioned that You give huge wangs to men that You love and want to bless.
How does Your divine logic translate to women? Are women will little boobies cursed as well? It would be inline with Your hate of Asians.
God’s Humble Servant,
Josh
Anne,
God sent me a vision of Mickey Mouse and he told me that you are a tool of Satanus, built to pull followers away from God’s divine light.
5. Pizzled – There was nothing inside the suitcase except a special effects light which made it look like it was filled with gold. And your friend is hooked on cough medicine.
6. Master Shake – Yes, I get sick of people asking Me everything.
8. Karin – I did give you the ability to use them. You would not be able to ask questions otherwise.
9. Tony – I can’t rank them, I love them all too much for that.
10. Smoggy – Women have multiple orgasms because they are dirty whores. Men can have multiple orgasms too, they are just more decent.
12. Anne Johnson – You don’t get to have questions answered because you are a proselytizing pagan wench.
13. Uppity – He DID call Obama a nigger. He did it under his breath when they shook hands at the end.
18. Josh – Firstly, all women are cursed as I hate them SO MUCH! But yes, women with little breasts are cursed to be ignored and stared at with disdain for all their days. Women with big breasts are cursed to be stupid, vile cunts who are hated by all because everything is given to them.
Ka-CHING! Josh got #12 right! With the added bonus that God called HIMSELF “Mickey Mouse.”
FACE God!
Uppity, why don’t some people think that witch-burnings were a way that men could deal with pesky, intelligent, questioning, women?
you got it all right except for the intelligent part. see, if they are on to our ruse to keep them subservient and begin to question it because of some sort of “intelligence”, they should be intelligent enough to know that it’s for their own good. also, this is called “ask God” not “ask cracka”.
now…………fuck off!!
Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.
don’t take it personally. that’s how i talk to everyone.
Anne,
Maybe I missed it, but where did God call Himself Mickey Mouse?
Also you can’t call FACE for yourself. Just doesn’t work that way, that’s like giving yourself your own nickname “All the ladies call me Killer” No they don’t Tiny.
Then I’m flattered.
josh is right. josh is right?
hey, nun. the ‘hawks didn’t lose.
Josh, I think I saw Mickey Mouse somewhere too. And no, I didn’t visit the Disney Parks. Or see it on TV.
I said God sent me a vision of Mickey Mouse, in which Mickey told me that Anne was doing the Devil’s work. God himself never mentioned Disney or any of their affiliates.
Maybe I need coffee.
I asked, “Who’s the leader of the club that’s made for you and me?”
This is the old theme song from “The Mickey Mouse Club.”
M-I-C, K-E-Y, MOUSE!
Josh said he had a vision of Mickey Mouse, which was the correct answer to #12.
God said, “I am!” Which means He’s Mickey Mouse.
Gabriel is Goofy, Satan is Donald Duck, and the Virgin Mary is Minnie Mouse. All the rest are fairies! GO, FAIRIES!
So I Faced God, not myself.
Yes, I am very brave.
johnson, God never said that. you’re hallucinating again. not just about fairies this time. there are a lot of anne johnsons in this country. but i can kill all of them. so, prepare to die, lunatic.
Anne,
Those drugs must be working because God never said that.
Again Anne, whether or not you think you FACED God (which you did not) you can not call FACE for yourself. It doesn’t count and it just makes you look sad.
yeah, someone else declares your face for you. otherwise, it’s not an official face.
God, maybe you start a FACE! hall of fame page.
Maybe He can also start a FACE hall of shame where people beg for someone else to delcare FACE for them or delcare it for themselves. Somehow I only see one person there, maybe Ben will get an honorable mention.
I’m not sad. I’m divine.
God,
Thank you for giving Obama a 50-42 lead in the latest gallup poll.
Amen
Anne,
Calling yourself divine is like calling FACE for yourself.
I’ve seen your picture so I know you’re not fat, but saying your divine, or sexy, or “too hot to trot” is stuff fat girls do. Leave that for Monique and her hairy legs.
anne’s not fat? that’s disappointing. she’s what we call skinny-fat.
god, why did you create bono?
Maegan – I did not create Bono. I created a baby that became a human that I blessed with talent and money and fame, who then betrayed Me to save African lives. The bastard!
bono doesn’t eat babies anymore?
Yes –and now that comedienne, Sarah Palin, thinks Bono’s the King of Ireland.
The John McCain / Tine Fey ticket must be so pissed.
cracka, your head is so far up your own ass you can see the beer pouring down
ha! if my head’s up my ass how do i drink beer?!!
Cracka – shhh. I can’t let people find that out or else he won’t be allowed to go to Africa anymore.
God, you are the Almighty King of subterfuge.
cracka, how do i know how you do all your weird shit? do I look like a depressed unibrow smile-button to you?
…maybe you take a huge drink
…then you whip your head up your own ass in the blink of an eye
…and (hey, presto) you get a beer face bath
gag…hoick…you crackas are disgusting (when’s your family on Springer next?)
springer? no, you’re confused. uppity crackaz and white trash are different types altogether.
maybe my avatar should try to get its job back at wal-mart. that could cheer it up.
I see my error. Our uppity cracks are backblocks farmers who use their BMWs for rounding up cattle and vote against anything that is good for the Maaries; we call our white trash bogans or westies–the men have mullet haircuts and women wear leather jackets with tassels and painted on come-fuck-me-daddy jeans.
WOW — your economy is so fucked! What a brutal smite God!
sigh…and where you go we inevitably follow…
yeah, sorry about that.
i find it cheers me up to make fun of mullets.
It’s why I like our local all-you-can-eat restaurant–it’s wall-to-wall mullets and fatties hanging out of low jeans. Brilliant!
They even let the sheep in.
you call your white trash westies! HA! What a slap in the face of Americans (Aka Westerners) nicely done you bottom of the earth bastard.
westies. that is pretty good. but, we’re still going to have to confiscate all of your natural resources.
Hmmmm … I’m thinking God has been tweaking his blog comments again … So now I know he’s way too young to remember “The Mickey Mouse Club.”
All right, we’re going to have another Great Depression. It happens every time we let Republican morons run the country for eight years.
Can’t ask God to smite morons, or else this country would be as sparsely populated as New Zealand.
Would that be a bad thing…
God, please get the “Left Behind” shit underway, thereby removing all the morons from the gene pool.
yeah, can You just have the rapture already so the rest of us can live in peace?
Anne,
I told you that God sent me a divine vision of Mickey Mouse. He told me the answer. I can not take credit for His power and glory. He knew. I personally have not been alive long enough to remember anyone on the Mickey Mouse club other than Britney, Justin and Christina “skanky hot fake boobs” aguilera.
As far as the bailouts, check out this site:
http://www.propublica.org/special/government-bailouts
Since 1970 there have been 12 bailouts, all under Republican leadership except the Jimmy Carter loan to Chrysler, which was repaid in full. Nixon, Ford, both Bushes, and the sainted Reagan–all guilty. No bailouts under the Clinton. Note: I’d rather have 50 presidents who get there wangs sucked by a fat chick than 1 who gives all my hard earned money to his rich friends.
We call them Westies because they come from West Auckland. Our most popular TV drama is about westie life. It’s called ‘Outrageous Fortune’. Here’s the trailer for series 4. Keep watching till you get to the strip club scene.
meh. not enough sex.
it’s public broadcasting–not cable. there have to be some standards.
oh, PUBLIC broadcasting….well, in that case, i guess it’s sexy enough.
[sigh] have to say cracka, your brutal edge seems to have temporarily deserted you. in fact you’ve been unusually pleasant to your little antipodean sheep-shagging mate, no matter how hard i’ve tried to rile you. are you depressed? is it the fact that the whole world is going down the toilet?
No surprise Michael Moore thinks you’re being royally fucked with:
http://www.michaelmoore.com/words/message/index.php?id=235
FUCK OFF!!!!! WE WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!
…a little better…but what about embellishments?
FUCK OFF INBRED FOWL FUCKER!!! WE WILL SLICE, DICE AND EAT YOUR CHILDREN, THEN SHIT ON YOUR GRAVE!!!
just trying to help
Bono = #2
You look very sexy in your photo maegan. Are you interested in a threesome with a sheep?
STORMY BARNSWALLOW!!!!!!! YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS INSULT WITH YOUR INEFFECTUAL, UPSIDE-DOWN LITTLE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh good
ummm…stormy barnswallow? what happened to SLIMY BUTTGRUBBER or SHITTY RATSTUBBLE
What makes me think Smoggy’s real name is John Jones?
And for the record, God cheated on His holy blog … again. Sneaky little bugger.
YAR! I PLUNDERED AND RAPED THE DEBATE! YAAARRRR!!!
SPANKY BUMSTICKER!!! DIE!!!!!!!
God’s all-powerful. He can do what He likes. It’s His blog. However, he seems to be learning tricks from Satanus. Hmm.
Smoggy, is the sheep clean?
God doesn’t need to cheat annie–He’s omnipotent and omniscient, He already knows how His blogs will look to the end of time.
the secret with sheep is to shear all the crap of their butts just before you use them
GROSS, Smoggy! How can I keep my pain meds down with images like that swimming in my brain?
I still think I’d rather have lamb chops.
You just don’t understand!!!
HA! Finally! Do you know how hard it has been to gross somebody today?
Happy Smoggy goes back to work…
Smoggy, I get the daily grossing from the morons who leave their dirty crap in the office sink.
We’re all fucked.
Have we all got sheep?
The sheeps’ summer job of naturally mowing lawns has come to an end. The birds will head south soon. Just jackrabbits, gophers, some geese, ducks, frogs, etc. here. No sheep in the city.
#87 … and not in a good way, either.
You’re another one of those Northern Hemispherists aren’t you? down here in the real world the sheep’s lawn-mowing job is just beginning.
It’s true, you are moving into a winter of great discontent and depression.
They’re getting their winter woolies here.
After being 24-27 this week, it’ll probably start to snow in a week or two.
Thanks, God.
The Canadian voter will speak October 14. Probably a Conservative minority again. Or maybe they’ll squeak out a small majority.
#90. No, definitely not in a good way.
There’s nothing more depressing than being fucked in a not-good-way.
No, there really isn’t.
My heart goes out to you all!
NOT!!!
aarrgg
You will when the economy shit rolls downhill.
splosh!
Phew…that feels better!
it’s not as bad as they are making it sound. They really are trying to scare people into getting this crap passed. You notice the media is not focusing on the protests going on in NYC or in DC, where people are calling for the bailout not to be passed.
I read some of it (not all that shit is 101 pages!) and it’s a rip off. CEOs still get to be paid millions of bucks, instead of loosing their jobs.
THe market will correct itself, maybe Joe Banker might not earn 5 million a year anymore, but did he ever deserve to in the first place.
Welcome back Nun you were missed. It was all Smoggy and Uppity talking back and forth about sheep.
I SMOGGY BATZRUBBLE OWN 100. THANKS BE TO ALMIGHTY GOD WHO GIVETH AND GIVETH AND GIVETH AGAIN
He giveth more grace
As our Burdens grow greater
He addeth more strength
As our labors increase.
AMEN
“Welcome back Nun you were missed. It was all Smoggy and Uppity talking back and forth about sheep.”
SOB I can see I and my woolly peccadilloes are not welcome on this blog in these dark days as America royally fucks itself.
I shall leave. I shall go and roam the paddocks. I will mull the mysteries of the male multiple orgasm.
Smoggy out
(100 annie…again…heh, heh, heh)
Thanks, Josh.
Smoggy is sensitive.
Fucking pussy.
Smoggy is not fucking pussy, he’s fucking sheep. That’s his shtick.
Sorry… he is a fucking pussy. He fucks sheep because that’s the only pussy he can get. Poor Smoggy.
i get excited when you say pussy, nun
pussy… pussy… pussy… pussy
You are the easiest guy to excite but I feel like I’m wasting it on a fucking sheep.
Honestly, the way Smoggy talks about sheep I do not think it’s his choice by default.
I admire a man who is what he is and makes not apologies for it.
P.S. Smog
Saw your question on the other topic… almost as bad as it could go but I did say ‘fuck’ which was so worth it for the reactions alone. That made me smile and continues to make me smile.
Yeah, his woman won’t give it up for the Smog-Man. Unless his woman really is a sheep and he’s kept that little nugget of information quiet. I like Smoggy simply for being foreign, I appreciate diversity.
God understands me. He knows that the real perversion these days is the way the American leaders are royally fucking the American sheeple.
“Saw your question on the other topic… ”
You lost me there for a moment nun…do you mean my polite question about transubstantiation at #7?
We’re fucked.
#7 is an odd little question that I paid little attention to. Besides, whenever somebody talks about Christ’s body all I can think about is Christ Crispies… whoever thought of that is genius.
So which question was it that elicited a ‘fuck’ from you nun? don’t keep me in suspense…you know i like it
The family thing, Smoggy. I’m like the crazy uncle who swears. Except I’m not an uncle.
it’s alright…i got it…the happy family time!
congratulations on your ‘FUCK’ — it will go down loud and proud in family mythology.
don’t be disheartened, there may be a young nun-family member quietly observing your resistance to the pernicious brainwashing who will one day break out and become themselves, all thanks to you
There was one!! Man, I love that kid. They hate him, go figure.
nurture him nun…nurture him…you may be one of the keys to his future
I don’t nurture, Smoggy. I pervert.
Is there a difference?
Now I do have to go nun…have a good one
so what’s your take on the Goddess who says she created everything and let you take all the credit cause she didn’t want to deal with the papparazzi..?
the goddess – You’re asking My Opinion on the female human who runs a blog and calls herself ‘the goddess?’ Well I know she has syphilis and genital warts and will burn in the fiery pits of hell for her many blasphemies for the rest of time. I also think she is an ugly bitch. Also, there is no such thing as a ‘goddess.’ This does not exist. There is only ME!
Welcome o Great Goddess! This thread slows down at night when the sheep-fucker actually has to go out and make a living in his New Zealand pasture. But keep dropping by … Let’s tag-team and give God a hissy!!!!!
Oh God. It’s God. Jealous, old friend, you have met your match this time, and I ain’t talking about Anne Johnson.
Oh yeah, and God … you never watched “The Mickey Mouse Club.” How old are you exactly?
HA HA HA HAHAA!!!!! Just checked The Goddess’s web site. I asked her the same question, and she nailed it! Word, she has nose hairs older than you, Jehovah the Newbie!
Anne Johnson – I am older than time itself. And of course I knew the answer to your lame and inane question. Any retarded 5 year old knows the answer. I do not answer your questions you dirty pagan!
I DAMN YOU!
This thread would be dead if it wasn’t for me maintaining my lonely night/day vigil [weeps]
And I agree with the Almighty–we don’t want any of this silly goddess business, next thing you’ll be handing around apples and sanitary napkins. As for the MMC, God is giving that the smiting it so richly deserves:
http://www.internetweekly.org/photo_cartoons/cartoon_mickey_mouse_club.html
Smoggy,
My devoted and faithful servant, I assign you with the task of opposing and defeating that blasphemous pagan witch Anne Johnson whenever I am off attending to other business.
With Your strength to steady me I will do my best Mighty One.
Two pagan “goddesses” is a daunting prospect, but IN GOD I TRUST!
Through many dangers, toils and snares…
we have already come.
T’was Grace that brought us safe thus far…
and Grace will lead us home.
The Lord has promised good to me…
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be…
as long as life endures.
SMOGGY’S ON A MISSION FROM GOD!!!!!
Dear God,
If someone was a once a porn star but later became a born-again evangelist preacher, would you smite her husband?
Bring it on, holy sheep-shagger. But fair warning. Next time you need those shears for the wooly butts, THEY WILL BE MISSING!
Good morning God;
Why do You (in Your infinite patience) allow anne johnson to prattle about fairies and oak tree babies? I know You have denied her a smiting, but would You mind if smoggy, cracka and I gave her a thrashing? An then took all the money in her purse and put it in the collection plate?
Your humble servant,
Yo Yo Ma Ma
haha! anne johnson believes in fairies!! let’s mock her.
Yo Yo,
I already smote her by destroying her car. I would not mind that in the least. THRASH HER!
C’mon, cracka, looks like it’s CLOBBERIN’ TIME!
johnson worships mickey mouse!!! what a dumb, dumb druid.
I’d never worship a mickey mouse god. Too Goofy.
it’s unbelievable how a druid can point and laugh at a christian. how anyone religious can laugh at the ridiculous beliefs of another religion is just beyond me.
1. God: If you were aiming for my car, you hit my printer. Big friggin deal.
2. Born in West Virginia, four years living in downtown Detroit, now living in New Jersey. You mofos had better know how to thrash, cuz it might be you gets ass whupped.
3. I believe in fairies. Mock away. They’re probably the ones who messed with my printer.
4. I don’t point and laugh at Christians unless they’re Mormons. I point and laugh at them because they aren’t supposed to masturbate. Somehow I find that funny.
oh. that’s different.
but, you still believe in something ridiculous with no evidence that it’s real. i mean, it’s like believing in smurfs.
cracka, would you be interested in a religion if you could actually see the thing you’re worshipping? If so, I’ve got something for you. It’s my other line of mystical adventure…
fuck. all right, all right…what you got?
I’ve always had a mechanistic view of the Cosmos. Things happen by accident. There’s no such thing as a miracle. I don’t need an invisible elf squatting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear. If I tried to believe a religion, my logic circuits would assert themselves. I’d need tangible, repeatable proof.
Cracka, don’t do it! If you fall for it, you’ll end up in an airport, vacant smile on your face, selling donuts for Druids!
I’ve got to go right now, but I’ll just throw this out so you can think about it: Vulture worship. We can talk about it later. I would be glad to tell you how Sacred Thunderbirds can change your life.
Cracka’s already passed on Druidism. As a vulture worshipper, the worst he’ll have to do is hike out on a pretty cliff and watch birds.
Anne, the angel in charge of directing smites wasn’t wearing his glasses when God smote. God was aiming for your Lexus, and hit your Lexmark, instead.
And fairies don’t mess with printers – it was a gremlin.
definitely a gremlin.
hold on, if i want to watch pretty birds can’t i just watch pretty birds? why do i have to worship them? you religious types are lunatics.
Anne,
This guy has druid stuff beat, hands down.
http://www.venganza.org/
My question had an obvious answer because it was rhetorical, you stupid douche.
Bono eats babies.
sue, what the fuck are you talking about and who are you calling a douche?
Sue is calling God a douche. He honored her by answering a question and then she goes and tries to shit on Him.
Sue, take a deep breath, relax, then shut up.
this blog needs more Nun and less Sue.
I think they’re trying to switch out one vigina for a less qualified ignorant one! I’ve seen this before!
where?
didn’t seem rhetorical to me. seemed like she was asking what God thinks of bono. maybe she’s a douche for not being able to properly phrase her rhetoric.
Sue’s a douche. Say that three times, fast. Sounds like I’m drunk. Suuuezzadooocsssshh.
Where is Nun today? Down to the fire department, so they can hose her out?
Nun is indisposed at the moment. I’m busy cleaning her filthy vagina.
And yes I am using a fire hose.
Psycho, make sure to use lots of disinfectant. Establish a ‘hot zone’, a ‘warm zone’, and a ‘safe zone’. Use a Class ‘A’ hazmat suit in the hot zone. Class ‘B’ is allowed in the other two zones. Wear a safety harness, with a sturdy rope attached to you and held by at least three workers in the warm zone.
Good luck.
GROUP FACE!!!!!
All clothing and tools must be scrubbed down before they can move from the hot to warm or warm to safe zone. Any tool that cannot be cleaned will be declared ‘red-tagged’, and will be sent to the sanitary landfill.
GROUP FACE? splain, pleeze.
i guess there was only two of you facing nun’s vagina. TWO PERSON FACE!
If I was facing nun’s vagina, I’d do an About Face, and get the hell outta there! Thar she blows!
if you hear the volcano grumbling an eruption is imminent.
Is it like Old Faithful? Spouts every 89 minutes?
no. that would make it easier to contain, though, wouldn’t it?
THAR SHE BLOWS!!! ack ack ack
Damn – I knew I shouldn’t have said ‘Thar she blows’.
Shut up Pirate McCain.
Cracka, firefighters use a thing they call a ‘diaper’ to contain oil spills and such. Maybe it can be used here, too.
They come in several sizes: Regular, Large, and Disgusting.
“Take the blasphemer outside the camp, and tell all those who heard him to lay their hands on his head. Then let the entire community stone him to death. Say to the people of Israel: Those who blaspheme God will suffer the consequences of their guilt and be punished. Anyone who blasphemes the LORD’s name must be stoned to death by the whole community of Israel. Any Israelite or foreigner among you who blasphemes the LORD’s name will surely die.”
Leviticus 24:10-16
Bridgette, that was a non-sequeter. What are you talking about?
Oh, by the way, MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Bridgette,
do you live your life by the old testament? If so I hope you don’t eat lobster or wear clothes that are a blend of fabrics, or else you too can get stoned!
It’s best (I’ve heard) to get stoned, then eat lobster.
you’re on a roll today, yoyo. too bad noone’s around to witness it.
aaaaaahh, refreshing bridgettisms. hey bridgette, fuck jesus! where do i report to for my stoning?
Cracka, yeah, this sucks, and if I try to re-use my material whne there’s more people, someone will shout, “You said that yesterday!”
Someone sent me a humerous picture of a redneck fire detector: it’s a pan of Jiffy-Pop nailed over the doorway.
(Smoggy, do they sell Jiffy-Pop out there in the hinterlands? Do NZers eat popcorn?)
Yeah we eat popcorn–but I’ve never heard of jiffy-pop, sounds like a bathroom cleaner.
Hey Bridgette–is it true you’d like to do anal with Jesus?
Bridgette, can I count on yer vote? Yar.
depends–will you give her anal?
Bridgette, what I think everyone here wants to know is this: when you masturbate in your chocolate starfish, do you think of Jesus or God?
Bridgette,
Take your fucking bible and blow out your fucking bunghole. You fucking religious zealots make me sick. I’ll bet you’re the kind of person who would turn a funeral into a fucking sermon to recruit followers to your religion. Arrogant, self-absorbed, condescending bitch.
And I bet your the kind of woman who opens her legs to any man who winks at her.
FACE!!!!!
wait a minute…
FACE!
Wrong but believe a ‘character’ on the internet if you want to. You’re not exactly capable of logical and rational thought.
sorry Nun, but that was face-worthy. Bridgette you’re still a dumb fat ho.
if bridgette only knew the difference between your and you’re that would have been a clean face. i’m gonna have to call a foul.
“mm-hmm. illegal formation-on the offense. failure to use contraction. 10 yard penalty. replay the down…now…fuck off!”
i think she’s capable of logic, just not reason: for instance, saddam hussein was a muslim (sort of) who hated america, 9/11 was perpetrated by muslims who hate america, therefore saddam hussein was involved in 9/11.
reason: that’s the dumbest thing i’ve ever heard.
see?
Hey, it’s so nice you’re hanging around to wallow in our insults Bridgette-to-nowhere. You must have a real masochistic streak. Now…you start rubbing your clit and I’ll get you going:
“Bridgette you repressed pastor-fucker, I’ll bet you wish God was real so he could make you gag on his mighty cock and hit you with a facial so hard it blows your wig off.
There…was that good for you? How many times did you cum?
benny-192-she thinks of big cock like all other women, she just repents later.
shut up, ben.
bridgette-to-nowhere…nice.
Ben,
Cracka is right, that would have been FACE worthy if Bridgette was smart enough to know her grammar. Since she isn’t, she just looks like a dumb cunt.
by the way: 200!!!!!!!
Smoggy,
God has given you a Divine Task and then you go and don’t properly capitalize for Him. Dude!! You’re bold.
hey Nun
*wink*
you’re right. I recall my facial.
God, why does Mahmoud Ahmadinejad look like a monkey?
Hey Josh,
My legs are spread for you.
Pissed off Jew – Because I decided that he should. And for no other reason. Don’t even think it.
Well Nun, I didn’t capitalize because I wasn’t really talking about the ALMIGHTY. I can’t imagine God would ever want to stick His Mighty Organ anywhere near Bridgeshit’s face, so I used an imaginary god with lower case pronouns.
Nice 200 cracka.
Like Zeus?
Yeah…like zeus
…where is Zeus?
I was pondering the same thing. Maybe he’ll show up and say something since we just dissed him.
offer him a three-way nun, that should get him sniffing
Zeus can have me whenever he wants. He only has to manifest as somebody I find attractive. I’m slutty and easy that way.
Maybe he’s moping because no matter how often he begs, God won’t give him any worshippers.
today will forever be known as the day bridgette almost faced nun…so close.
heh… something got under her sanctimonious piety. That was genuinely bitchy–probably the first genuine thing she’s said in years. But so christian-woman! She didn’t take on the men–but she was happy to go for nun.
bridgette to nowhere *snort*
I wonder — does Bridgette (she of the Celtic Goddess name) actually read this thread?
I’m so glad someone else got 200 besides Smoggy that I don’t care if it’s Cracka.
Hey, Cracka, give any thought to buzzard worship? Might get you stoned.
GOD! GOD! The pagan priestess has showed up! I’m going on the offensive in Your name. Buckle up Annie!
SMOGGY’S ON A MISSION FOR GOD!!!!
Ha, you don’t fool me goddess annie, you were after 222, but I got there before you.
I, Smoggy Batzrubble (son of Mama Batzrubble, deceased, and Papa Batzrubble, serial killer-executed) rescued 222 from Anne Johnson for GOD THE ALMIGHTY!
God and Smoggy 1 — pagans 0
Pathetic.
if i want to get stoned, anne johnson, i’ll partake in some of God’s sacred chiba. as for worshipping stuff, i’ll leave that to the unenlightened, superstitious, cavemen among us.
“Pathetic”
She’s hurting God–I think I scored a mortal blow with the coup on 222
Where can he be, that
irritating trinity
known as catmantoad?
It is kind of lame, Smog. I’ve seen your wit. You can do better.
I need more chiba. God has forsaken me.
maybe you should consult your insult generator again.
Sigh…I know…but I kinda like annie…I really don’t want to subject her to the sort of abuse I’d give bridgshit–but I can’t disobey ALMIGHTY. He;s given me a mission. I’m one of the chosen. If He asks i have to be prepared to fly planes into tall buildings for Him! It’s what faith is all about…
…but what a dilemma!
this type of dilemma is easily solved by strapping a bomb on your chest and detonating it in public.
good point cracka…
i’ve got my bomb on…where’s the best place to head for?
Yeah, Smog. God goes for that bomb stuff. Why don’t you pick a nice outdoor market in New Zealand and snuff a lot of innocent folks? You can pretend one of them is me.
Gee, Smog. I dunno. Is it worth it to you to obey this ugly deity who wants me smited, when I’m really only a sweet tree-hugger who loves vultures?
nice outdoor market…it’s wednesday morning…we don’t really have those until the weekend…what about a school–those chechens got big coverage with a school in russia
hmmm…..i’m not sure. you could ask God. but then, you’ll have to wait for a month for an answer. shit.
the twins are 2-8 in chicago. the sox are 1-8 at the dome. meaning, the twins won the season series 10-9 even though the white sox had one more home game…yet, the play in game is in chicago tonight. because of a coin flip. that’s bullshit!!!!! what should i drink tonight to dull the pain of watching my team lose the division to a team so vile with such an arrogant manager whose fans have to check their weapons at the stadium entrance?
seriously, south chicago is no place for a cracka.
That’s more like it! Let’s talk about sport! Something I’m really interested in (becoming a suicide bomber doesn’t push my buttons).
cracka I don’t have a clue what you’ve just said, but I can say in response that the Black Caps begin their cricket tour of Bangladesh this week and if Jessie Ryder can find form he might cement his one-day spot at number three and get himself in line for a test place, which would be good, particularly as a win in the one-day series will raise our ranking to second in the world behind Australia.
Ugh. I’m disgusted Smoggy. You were not up to the task I gave you. YOU HAVE DISGRACED THE LORD!
The Cowboys lost to the Redskins. HAHA!! And Brett Favre is as inconsistent and as egotistical as ever.
…sob…
smoggy, the internet is american. we don’t talk about cricket in america. test place? bangladesh? wtf?
and God is not happy with you. you may get smited if you don’t FACE somebody soon.
Boy, this God sure does get pissed off fast. You don’t see Druid deities WRITING IN CAPS ALL THE TIME.
Jeez, cracka. The Sox fans have to check their weapons at the gate? If they did that to Yankee fans, no one would go to the games.
Hate. Yankees. Must. Be. God’s. Team.
…smoggy crawls on hands and knees to the sheep pen to perform acts of penance, contrition, mortification and self-flagellation…
been to both stadiums. trust me, those bronx pussies got NOTHING on the rudeness of white sox fans. what a bunch of loudmouth dicks. they tie the yankees fans with that false sense of entitlement, though.
God smited the Yankees with A-Rod. He was sneaky about it though… nobody really realizes it until playoff season.
psst [whisper] cracka, before I go snuggle up in the barn, i just thought you should know that the fucking twins are a herd of half-arsed loser-cunts who can’t win shit, won’t win shit, can’t even shit shit, and are a blot on the sporting fucking world, shaming even the composed and erudite exponents of the great game of cricket, who usually don’t concern themselves with fucking banal pre-school sports…
have a happy day/night
Smoggy-the-disgraced
Cricket fascinates me. Googly… I’m fascinated by anything that uses the word ‘googly’.
Did I spell it right, Smoggy?
this billboard simultaneously makes fun most religions and at the same time points to the validity of Anne’s religion.
http://www.wftv.com/news/15735444/detail.html
indeed nun, i’m impressed, googly is correct and predates ‘google’ by a century. Here is one of the masters at work–if you’ve ever bowled a cricket ball and tried to make it spin, you’ll understand why the jag to the left is so amazing
Wow. A ‘googly’ is a good thing, right? I am assuming that was a ‘googly’, right? Cricket looks hard, is it?
And here’s my team nun–in black–playing Australia. Watch this catch, one hand, ball hard as rock, no pussy glove.
I thought googly was an adjective, as in “Smoggy! Quit making googly eyes at that sheep! Just him already.”
Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you, if you’re young at heart….
Smoggy! Ditch that stupid penance and join a new religion! Druids do not self-flaggelate. We skinny dip.
Yeah, a googly is a good thing–that wasn’t an actual googly, which spins in the opposite direction to the way you think it should spin, but it was a great bowl. And it is a hard game to play well (which I can’t) but lots of fun. and you’ve got a choice of three types 20/20 = big hitting and over in an hour; one day = a guaranteed result, teams in bright colours, and over in 6-8 hours; a test=five days, all dressed in white, no guaranteed result–but mesmerising if you know what’s going on, and a good excuse to lie around in the sun watching, talking, drinking etc.
But…it may be one of those things you have to grow up with to appreciate.
Wow. It’s amazing because that’s a great catch and he’s not black.
You have matches that go on for days? Jesus Christ!
…you skinny dip?
Hey, we’re into that:
http://www.stuff.co.nz/4710174a11.html
Nun,
Brett Favre is inconsistent and egotistical?? He threw 6 touchdowns yesterday and has 12 on the year and hasn’t said anything egotistical. Jealous.
Ben,
Him going on and on about how great 6 touchdowns was is egotistical. He will throw 6 interceptions next week and that’s what I mean by inconsistent. Good game one week, next week he sucks. If you get the Favre from last year then I’m happy for you but I don’t think you have.
well i’m sure it is a pretty good feeling…
Smoggy Batzrubble,
You will win back My Good Grace again the next time you earn a face on the pagan wench.
Awww… that’s sweet. God loves Him some Smoggy.
God hates me. Loves it!
Smoggy loves it. All he really has is those sheep, you know.
Nobody talks about me anymore. I’ve lost favor with the group.
::sigh::
Curtis, my sweet! Where have you been, gorgeous? We can’t talk about you if you’re not here among us! That wouldn’t be nice.
Curtis, I am sorry that you feel neglected.
…Ahem…
I would like to propose to the group (who usually wake up when I go to sleep) that we designate tomorrow — “TALK ABOUT CURTIS DAY”.
Curtis,
What’s up with you man? Yo, if you want to talk, then talk. God answered one of your questions….he explained why He lets things be all fucked up. That doesn’t make you happy?
139 Barbie Bridges – Barbie, if someone was once a porn star and later becomes an evangelist preacher, then I usually bless the spouse of said person with a lifetime of top notch blow or rim jobs, whichever they so desire. This person often has played a large role in the turnaround of their porn star spouse.
Thank you for your intelligent and specific question Barbie.
Dear God,
Do You think that there are too many spinoff shows on TV? I guess after surviving Joanie loves Chachi and Joey You feel angry, and with all those versions of Law and Order and CSI, that new 90210 piece of shit, Private Practice, and some fucked up new L Word spinoff (unfortunately there will be one as far as I read), You feel a little sick inside.
God, who hates this world more? Me or you? Whose gonna go on a killing spree in the final battle? Me or you?
Concering Deutronomy 23:1:
“He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD.”
Did you just add that in incase the problem cropped up, or where people whose balls had been smashed such a big demographic in biblical times that they warranted their own bible passage to deal with them?