Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this new monthly feature, the faithful readers of My Divine Blog are granted the opportunity to send Me exactly one prayer request.
Just think of it! This allows you, a puny mortal, the incredible opportunity to bypass all the infinite bureaucracy and mularky associated with normal praying and ask The Lord Almighty directly for a favor! No more begging that whore Mary for help! Do you have any idea how lucky you are?!
Naturally, you will be expected to follow the usual protocol I expect. All prayers must begin with ‘Dear’ and some variation of praise unto Me, His Beautiful Handsome Awesomeness, The Almighty Lord your God. You must then humbly send Me your prayer, and be sure to give proper respect throughout by capitalizing all mentions of My Wondrous Person. And verily, when your prayer is concluded, you must thank The Lord profusely and then say ‘Amen.’ If you follow these rules I have laid before you, I promise I will answer your prayer. If you do not follow these rules, I promise I will not answer your ‘prayer.’
So go ahead mortal, pray to Me!
Dear God in Heaven,
To you who are so magnificent and powerful in every way, I humbly pray that you please let Barack Obama become president.
Amen
Dear His Holiness, the omnipotent, all-powerful and all-seeing Master of the Universe, the Almighty God in Heaven,
Please smite anyone who makes, sells, or You-forbid, wears leggings, particularly those of the gold lamé American Apparel variety, immediately. They are hideous and I imagine that it must disappoint You tremendously when a hot chick decides to wear a pair under a short skirt. Also, please smite any leggings-wearer who believes that leggings are an appropriate substitute for pants first. They are not pants.
Amen.
PS, I pray you cheer up as well! It hurts me to see you so sad, Almighty One, and I pray every night for you that you get happy again and don’t turn into some pussy who jerks off to Morrissey.
It hurts me to see *You so sad, rather. I may be a mortal without spell check, but I know You deserve capitalization!
Dear Holiest of Holies, You are totally tits!
I humbly pray that you please smite all the nitwits who lose track of the fucking TOPIC and treat this Sacred Ground as a chat room for flaming one another with no sense of respect for Your Divine Purpose. Maybe carpal tunnel?
Thanks in advance for your consideration …
Your perpetual syncophant, Tony
Amen!
Dear Father of all
Please make the rich people share
Your servant, Amen
Dearest Father of Lights, from Whom cometh down every good gift,
I pray that we may not, like the vulgar, irreverently think that the heavenly and Godlike minds are certain many-footed and many-faced creatures, or moulded to the brutishness of oxen, or the savage form of lions, and fashioned like the hooked beaks of eagles, or the feathery down of birds, and should imagine that there are certain wheels of fire above the heaven, or material thrones upon which the Godhead may recline, or certain many-coloured horses, and spear-bearing leaders of the host , and whatever else was transmitted by the oracles to us under multifarious symbols of sacred imagery.
Invoking then Jesus, the Paternal Light, the Real, the True, “which lighteth every man coming into the world,” “through Whom we have access to the Father,” Source of Light, let us aspire, as far as is attainable, to the illuminations handed down by our fathers in the most sacred oracles, and let us gaze, as we may, upon the Hierarchies of the Heavenly Minds manifested by them symbolically for our instruction.
And when we have received, with immaterial and unflinching mental eyes, the gift of Light, primal and super-primal, of the supremely Divine Father, which manifests to us the most blessed Hierarchies of the Angels in types and symbols, let us then, from it, be elevated to its simple splendour.
Your most humblest of servants, Dion
Amen
Dear Holiest of Holies, You are Totally Tits!
I humbly pray that You please smite all the nitwits who lose track of the fucking TOPIC and treat this Sacred Ground as a chat room for flaming one another with no sense of respect for Your Divine Purpose. Maybe carpal tunnel?
Thanks in advance for Your consideration …
Your occasional mistypist, Tony
Amen!
G’day God,
Can You, for Your sake, reappear and prove to all those doubting Thomas’s that the cornerstones of Christianity — virgin birth, baptism by water, miracles, parables, anointing, twelve apostles, trial, last supper, betrayal, passion, execution, resurrection, ascension – just to mention a few- are, after all, not diabolical myths .
Good’nYa Mate
Dearest and Most Precious and Wonderful God, Immortal, Invisible, Omnipotent, Omniscient and Omnipresent, Perfect and Righteous, who art Truly Awesome And Ever-present, Who has blessed me all of my days. I Praise your name that is above all names a millions times over for all the blessings you have bestowed upon me, and I think you are very impressive and kick-ass.
Please, I humbly beg of you, hang all sub-prime mortgage lenders and sundry grasping bankers by their fleshy nether parts over a slow burning fire in hell from their moment of death and through all eternity, and have a choir of ten million Alan Greenspans chant John Denver’s greatest hits to them without pause, to eternity’s end.
Thank you for hearing my prayer. Forgive my sins, I pray, and also forgive the sins of my sheep (and, if possible, forgive cracka and curtis for sodomizing Benny while he was dead).
Your humble and unworthy servant
Smoggy Batzrubble
AMEN
Dear Holy Cosmic Thunderer,
Please smite Tony Snow, make his fat face swell even more until he looks like Rush Limbaugh.
Yours,
Yo Yo
Dear Most Wonderful God Of All Creation,
Please make Benny Hinn’s hair come alive and smother him.
(Signed)
Your most worshipful worshipper
Amen.
Dear Most Powerful Creator,
I’m dropping an extra twenty in the Salvation Army’s kettle this Christmas. Can You, in Your infinite Wisdom, Power, and glory, do something about Smoggy’s name?
Sometimes, when I think about how Great Thou Art, I roll around on the ground, spouting gibberish, blood flowing from my nose.
Amen
dion,
nobody wants to read a 1,000 word essay on a comedy blog.
shut up, dionysius.
Dear Great I Am,
Would You fix my printer, please? Inexplicably it won’t turn on this morning.
This is the kind of thing that smart deities such as Yourself should be able to rectify with the snap of a finger.
Not Your humble servant, but nevertheless recogizing your status as a popular deity,
Anne Johnson
PS – I already rebooted and did all the easy stuff.
Dear,
His Beautiful Handsome Awesomeness, The Almighty Lord Our God,
if it pleases You in Your Wondrous Person, please smite the hell out of nun’s poison cloud emitting vagina. its nerve gas and toothy knuckles have destroyed too many young and otherwise worthy boners. thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You, thank You forever and ever.
amen.
Your uppity servant,
Cracka.
anne fucking johnson. why don’t you ask the the salmon of wisdom or tinkerbell or whoever to fix your damn printer! YOU PAGAN BITCH!!!!!!!
just send your request to:
druidismisjustforpretend@gulliblegoth.com
1. American Psycho – No. You did not properly capitalize. Now you shall have 8 years of McCain/Palin.
2. Lauren – Done. Anyone who wears leggings shall be smoten for the next week. However, I will not cheer up. That was not in proper form.
4. Tony Snow – No. You did not properly capitalize.
5. Catmantoad – No. What a stupid prayer.
6. Pseudo-Dionysius the Areopagite – You are an idiot.
7. Tony Snow – Done. From here forth, anyone who does not even try to talk about the topic I have posted on shall be cast into the lake of fire!
8. Pemma – YOU DID NOT SAY AMEN!!!
9. Smoggy – You did not properly capitalize!
10. Yo Yo – Yours? YOURS?! YOU FUCKING INGRATE!! I will not be answering any of your prayers this month due to this slight.
i propose that we finish each post with “amen”. that way, we are technically on topic at all times. loopholes can be good things.
shut up, ben.
amen.
Damn – screwed again.
Morning, cracka. Do you have to intubate, or just set and maintain IVs?
Amen.
And agreement on faieireies or whatever they’re called. Anne and you are both atheists – it’s just that you believe in one less god than she.
Amen.
15. anne johnson – No. You are a blasphemous wench!
16. uppity – hasn’t Nun’s vagina been smoten enough?
it get better every time, Sir.
yoyo, i’m in oncology today. for me, that means i do mostly nothing all day but watch tv with cancer patients and think of ways to insult nun’s vagina.
amen.
God is hiding behind his inability to understand computers. May He be smitten with Norton boxes unto eternity!
cracka, the faeries fucked up my printer in the first place. They do it all the time. I was just trying to save myself the aggravation of calling my computer guru, who is smarter than God.
computer gurus think they are God!
Dontcha hate it when the fuckup fairey visits?
Cracka, do ya ever share our little bon mots with the patients?
RAmen
YAR! Thanks be to God, a pirate he must be.
Anne,
God is not tech-savvy, His Son is. I think it’s kind of cute, in a completely Divine and appropriate way, that God asks us for assistance on occasion.
yoyo, i share nothing but my apathy.
“so…dying, huh? man, God must haaaaaaate you.”
amen.
God,
You are the most Awesome of the Awesomest. You are the Divine Spark that brings us happiness. We would be nothing without You, Oh Heavenly Father.
I wish to think not of myself for this prayer request that You have bestowed on us with all Your Almighty Glory. I wish to think of You, My Most Precious Lord. My prayer request is for all Your Divine Trials and Tribulations to just back the fuck off a little bit so You can be Divinely Happy. Please God, Your Divine Sadness makes me sad.
Thank You for Your Divine Time and Attention in this matter.
Amen.
Okay all you Facebook peeps… did somebody besides Anne send me a friend request? If it’s one of you heathens I’ll approve it. Otherwise, I don’t know who that guy is!?!
nun kisses ass too much.
amen.
like moths to a flame, eh, nun?
God’s Sadness is bringing me down and it’s not like God would bring back dead people anyway so what the fuck is there to ask for?
I’ve been practicing my withering sneer in front of a mirror.
“Facebook?” “I don’t use social networks.”
Amish.
Dear God our Father, Master of the Universe, Whose Penis has the glory and the power, the One Whose power is limitless and unchallenged, The Master of Faith Fighter, Hater of all things evil (and by evil I mean everything You do not like is evil),
Please I beg You, make John McCain loose his temper during the debate on Friday and call Barack Obama a nigger. Your Holiness, this would not only be funny but help put another nail in the coffin of a man You already smote.
Also God, can I win the Powerball on Saturday when the prize will be over $200 million? I promise to give You Your share.
Thank You in advance,
Your original humble servant,
Josh
Amen, to the glory of God Almighty.
Cracka, keep ‘em medicated, and just take a little for yourself.
Ohh… calling Obama a nigger would be so perfect. I want to steal Josh’s idea.
typical whore
You know why nobody asked where you were yesterday, Cracka? Nobody likes you. We were all so happy because you weren’t here to poo all over our good ideas.
yeah, i read all 40 of the crappy posts yesterday.
amen.
our good ideas? That one’s all mine. I’ve been dreaming about it all election. I also wanted McCain to flip out on the view and call them cunts. I prayed for that, but since God had not given us the divine privledge to post a prayer request here yet, McCain only got red in the face and flustered.
Don’t let Nun kid you, Cracka. We all sat in the mud, covered in ashes, swapping sob stories with Job. He agreed that a day without cracka would be worse than his tribulations.
The horror…the horror
God,
On Your divine blog, You have expressed Your disdain for men with broken penises and You have also mentioned that You give huge wangs to men that You love and want to bless.
How does Your divine logic translate to women? Are women will little boobies cursed as well? It would be inline with Your hate of Asians.
God’s Humble Servant,
Josh
Yo Yo was high on Divine Mushrooms yesterday. We wondered why he kept drooling and touching his weiner.
After awhile, we made a campfire, sat around, sang old songs, tried to drive away our sorrows with some cheap wine. It was hell.
A.M.
I kept hallucinating that my penis was talking to me. It kept swearing!
It kept swearing because of what it’s attached to. It’s like God smited your penis with you.
LOL! Points to Nun.
FACE!!!
I told it I was going to introduce it to Nun’s vagina, it started crying and tried to crawl up inside my body. “Mercy!” it screamed.
amen.
I almost wish I was a Christian, because if the anti-science folks had had their way all this time, we’d still be living in tents herding sheep, instead of fighting with fucking broken printers.
ask smoggy about that.
Smoggy’s fucking sheep til they’re broken.
Too much of a good thing scares a lot of penises. I’ll bet Josh’s penis could handle it. I’ll bet Ben’s penis could handle it. I’ll bet Smoggy’s penis could handle it. Hell, I’d even bet that Curtis’ penis could handle it but his psyche would be traumatized. You and Cracka have pussies masquerading as penises and I think that’s why you both are so mean to the guys I’ve mentioned… they’re the only real men on this blog. Except for God.. He’s Super Handsome and Super Manly.
Amen².
Actually, Nun, I amuse myself by making balloon animals with my penis. Cracka is a stunt penis and stand in for Ron Jeremy.
Amen³.
I thought Josh and Ben were gay.
Yo Yo,
If Cracka’s wang is a stunt penis for Ron, that means Cracka has had his penis sucked by a dude.
Ron Jeremy actually has a penis so I think you’re a might confused.
You and Cracka want Ben and Josh to be gay so you can feel like manly men. They’re not gay and you’re not manly men. Sorry.
nun judges manhood by anonymous postings on the series tubes. typical e-whore.
amen.
and, nun, that would be “mite” confused. i think you might be a mite of skank.
i don’t think ben’s gay because when curtis defiled his near corpse he didn’t seem to enjoy it.
thanks for the compliments Nun.
and you’re right I’m not gay.
Nun do you have any advice for being a good parent? I’m due to become a father this year and I’m a bit scared. I’m going to have a little dude looking to me for answers. That’s a tough spot to be in, no wonder God gets down sometimes.
“when you do things right people won’t be sure you’ve done anything at all” – God
Well, here’s a shocker: http://new.music.yahoo.com/blogs/realityrocks/101126/clay-aiken-yes-im-gay
LOL, Josh, asking Nun for child rearing advice is like asking _____________________________
Hey, kids! Fill in the blank for the above sentence! Win valuable Bazooka Joe prizes!
josh, try to avoid killing your baby. unless God specifically asks you to. also, nun’s compliments mean about as much as a dustmites.
Clay Aiken finally admitted he was gay. Really, who didn’t know? A third-shift machine operator in Beijing?
No, Cracka. “Mite” would indicate that he’s only confused a little. He’s confused a lot if he thinks you have a penis that is comparable to Ron Jeremy’s. Now if we’re talking Ron Jeremy’s body then he’s probably not confused at all.
Josh,
Are you serious? I’m a single madre… depending on your opinion on such things, you may not want my opinion but basically, I follow God’s Divine Teachings. My son is a loser so I withhold my love until he wins. Other than that, I play it by ear.
.
.
If you’re looking for a more serious answer than that… Facebook.
God, you contradict yourself.
Besides, I will not suck up to Thee.
CH
josh, why don’t you follow God’s lead and have your kid crucified?
Cracka said: “nun’s compliments mean about as much as a dustmites.”
He says that because I never compliment him.
how many people are God’s friend on Facebook? The only person I see is Anne
and maybe Benny/Neb/Ben/John McCain/Pirate John McCain/Undead Ben
ron jeremy’s penis seems a mite too much to carry around anyway. pretty much have to think about it all the time. ow! i sat on my monstrous, freakish dick again!! i’m going to take a crap now. great. my monstrous, freakish dick is in the toilet water again. it would pose problems. for instance: well, this is nice, i’m going to have sex with a girl who doesn’t have a cavernous, stinky catacomb for a vagina. shit. my monstrous, freakish dick won’t fit.
josh, don’t forget the prophet nebiliah muhammed.
uppity,
it’s easy you put your dick down one pant leg during the day and when you take a crap you put your dick on your lap. Jesus man, I thought that was common knowledge.
It is a pain when you work you though, or play basketball, and jumping jacks really suck.
34. Nun – Ok, I will grant your prayer and make everything better ->
40. Josh – Hmm, ok. You’re not winning the powerball though. I have someone in Mississippi already picked out for that.
Dear God,
How thoughtful of you to notice l’il ol’ me.
If I pray to you to your standards, you’ll answer my prayer; if I don’t; you won’t answer my prayer. And any prayer you answer doesn’t guarantee the prayee’s request, so the logic in sucking up to Your Divineness in all this fails quite nicely.
CH
Josh,
I’m one of God’s friends on Facebook. I have a wonderfully clever name.
Halo,
God specifically states that He answers all prayers, it just might not be the answer you’re looking for.
I can’t wait until McCain calls Obama a nigger!!
God’s friends are everywhere and pray to Him. He doesn’t need Facebook.
cracka, I have a mostrous penis, too. I was also born with only one leg.
Nature compensates in strange and wonderful ways!
Nun, it defeats the purpose of using exalted, lovely words if all prayers are answered! What’s the point in practising writing and grammar and such? And seriously, dictionaries and thesauri are heavy!
I hope God didn’t kill Mary and Jesus to make Himself happy. God works in mysterious ways but that sure would be cold-hearted.
What does mostrous mean?
Halo,
That’s why I used my prayer request on God. If He denied my request than I’m really not out anything and God’s Happiness should be important to us, should it not? Selfish heathens.
Besides, the “exalted” and “lovely” words make me feel self-important and smart.
Nun,
you’re cordelia?
Oooh, I’m getting a plucking our Lear’s eyes vision.
God is the Alpha and the Omega. God is. We’re God’s children. Our happiness is important.
Yeah, using exalted words sure sounds better than f-this and that. Refreshing, actually.
I am, Josh.
Fuck pompous posturing. That’s what I say.
I’m a little bummed God will not grant me my wish of winning the Powerball. I guess I’ll save my $10 that I usually spend on tickets.
Greater good, Josh. He’ll make McCain call Obama a nigger and that’s good for everybody.
Perhaps I can find a willing monk with excellent calligraphy skills to draft a proper prayer for me.
100
fuck this and fuck that.
Fuck is simply a word and not even the language that Jesus spoke. Aramaic, wasn’t it? People who claim that cussing is a sin against God make me laugh. It’s a fucking word!
Nun, remember the stone tablets containing the Ten Commandments?
yep. thou shalt not say fuck or shit.
commandment #7, right?
[...] NEW FEATURE: Pray to God September 24, 2008 Posted by Skepdude in Humorous, Stuff God Hates. Tags: God, prayer trackback CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES” [...]
Josh, you’ll need to watch that little shaver closely. If it’s a girl, and she starts wanting to play sports … PRAY AWAY THE GAY! If he’s a boy and likes dolls and dress-ups, PRAY AWAY THE GAY! Can’t start too early. Maybe you should start praying about this now, while the kid is still gestating.
Uppity, depends on whose set.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ten_Commandments
In which demandment do you think that it says “thou shall not say fuck”, Halo?
What happened to my post?
Dear Almighty Lord Our God, Creator of Heavan and Earth, of All Things – Seen and Unseen, Smiter of Heathans and Fatties,
I most humbly ask that you grant me a measly gaggle of followers, very much like those of Your more obscure saints like St. Huphrey Lawrence. To worship me as a servant and faithful follower and miracle worker of You.
Thank you for even considering my request and reading my most unworthy of words, You are, as always, forever in my thoughts and deeds,
Your cousin (second, twice removed)
Zeus
-Amen!-
Anne,
Pray it away? HA! I’m goign to beat it away.
If my son is gay I’ll show him pictures of dicks and then shock him when he sees them. That way he will associate a dick with pain. That’s my plan!
Zeus,
How do you feel about manifesting as George Clooney and Anthony Bourdain in subsequent order? I’m craving that distinguished ‘mature man’ look.
Josh,
It’s okay to be gay. God loves the gays, He has said so. He hates the anal. You have to make sure the kid doesn’t like anal and that he’s a winner.
Sure, I’m up for that. Although, I have a thing against Clooney. I like his movies, but I don’t get the why woman are attracted to him.
Dear ubiquitous creature,
please,please,please disappear from the mind of all the morons who believe in you and take your fellow gods and assorted fairies ans spirits with you.
I humbly beg you this truely altruistic favour in order to save us poor stupid mortals from our global hatred for each other.
If you’re really inpired you could also smite all priests, ayatollas and assorted self entitled holy go-betweens. And, for the “piece de résistance”, you could really humble all those righteous assholes who believe in them and spread their twisted morals.
Thank you and amen
Nun,
I love gays too, I just don’t want my son to have a penis and not be able to use it for his pleasure. So hopefully he will stick it in a vajayjay or some guy’s mouth but not the butt.
Zeus, Clooney is single, good-looking, and rich.
Zeus,
He’s got a great voice. Fuck!! The things that voice could tell me to do. I just drooled on myself a la Homer Simpson.
that wasn’t you. it was your vagina.
Zeus, get a grip. You’re a God, He’s a God. You must have self-esteem issues.
Oh yeah, Josh. I forgot. If it’s a boy, you’ve gotta nip that masturbation impulse in the bud. God hates that like hell. But I approve your methods.
also, don’t name your kid josh or i may accidentally kill him thinking he’s you. here’s the other thing: when he cries just smack him in the back of the head and tell not to be such a pussy.
it takes a village.
MAsterbation is wrong?!?!?!?
Where does the Bible say that? I know the Catholic church says it, but where in the holy book is it? I mean if you actually don’t let your seed touch the ground you’re all good.
Savannah, Georgia sure does love them some God. God has four friends on Facebook from Savannah, Georgia. One of them is my friend now and I don’t even know who he is.
Zeus – I would, truly I would, except that you failed to capitalize for Me correctly, thus showing Me disrespect. Ask again in another few millenia and we’ll see how I feel.
Karin – No, for every reason possible.
HAHA! nobody believes in zeus!
What does ‘poking’ do on Facebook? I poked God but now I fear He will smite me.
poking just sends them a note saying “nun poked you” then the person can email you back or just poke you back. It’s really a waste of time.
Great, Facebook has allowed me to annoy God. Thanks a lot, Facebook!
Damn it damn it damn it!!!!!! One freakin’ “Y”. Jesus H. Christ! Throw me bone here!
Where is God’s Facebook profile? I can’t find it?
You’re talking to me Cracka, therefore, you believe in me! Unless you are so insane you are talking to yourself, which is also quite possible.
Dear awesome, overwhelming, grand, breathtaking, splendid, tremendous, remarkable, amazing, awe-inspiring, astounding, humbling, kick ass, completely hot, God.
Please, in Your infinite wisdom, please make my boss promote me so that I won’t have to deal with these stupid co-workers who blaspheme against Your name like ALL the time! Either that, or can You make Cracka gay for a day or at least gay for pay?
I thank Thee for my blessings: thanks for a terrific thesaurus, a huge dick, a wonderful fashion sense, my hilarious sense of humor, rugged good looks, a recently acquired pair of chaps, and Nun – just because she’s great. Thank Thee, Thank Thee, Thank Thee, Thank Thee, Thank Thee, Thank Thee, Thank Thee, Thank Thee, Thank Thee.
Your most humble servant,
Evangelist Curtis
Amen.
Zeus,
Check the links at the top… right sidebar. Twitter, Athiest Nexus and Facebook.
God,
Please let Curtis get that promotion. I heart him, God.
I can’t believe I wasted my prayer on getting my printer to work when I could have asked God to make himself as mighty as Chuck Norris.
Zeus! Stop sucking up to God. I believe in you! And who built all those fancy temples in Greece? Retards? You oughta be proud of your godliness instead of shagging everything that can’t outrun you.
Well, Johnson, you’re a Druid and a Pastafarian so your belief in me is no good unless you are going to sacrifice goats to me, give me wine, and build, yes, those fancy temples to me. I need real true beleivers! Not people who degrade my awesome sexual appetite. Let’s face it the last time I thought I saw a temple built to me it turned out to be a gyro shop.
Nun, are you Cordelia Wetspot?
Yep. No, that is not my real name.
Darn, I like it. Not so much the Cordelia as the Wetspot. I think Ms. Wetspot has a nice ring to it. Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode…name that ryhmes with a female part, Regina? Mulva? Delores?
Perfect fake name, I think. Cordelia is a name that I’ve used on the radio at times and Wetspot… well, what’s better than that?
how about a vagina that doesn’t leak all over the room?
try depends.
cracka’s just jealous because his penis is so small that he can’t get a girl wet.
whoa, i just faced myself on nun’s behalf.
Cracka, you’re referring to yourself in the third person, like Bob Doyle. Stop it.
Yo Yo doesn’t like it.
cracka’s jonesing for small penis jokes. I’ve run out of them, so here’s the next best thing … cracka, are you blonde?
These two blondes walk into a bar. One turned to the other and said, “You’d have thought we’d have seen that.”
A blonde, a Jew, and a man with a frog growing out of his head walk into a bar. The bartender leans over and asks, “What is this, a joke?”
Well drinks are a dollar until ten PM.
I’ll be appearing next Thursday in the Boom-Boom Room at the Decatur Holiday Inn off I-90, exit 133.
Seriously, folks, drive safely and don’t forget to tip your waitress.
i was just saving nun the trouble of yet another small penis joke with no creativity.
Yo, I actually lol’d!
bob dole does not have a small penis. there’s nothing wrong with bob dole’s penis. bob dole’s penis is fine.
Heh, thanks, E.Curtis!
Cracka, here’s something you n’ Anne should see: http://www.wftv.com/news/15735444/detail.html#
Did you commission the sign?
I can’t post URLs any more.
CrookedHalo, do they come up after awhile? I dunno why some of mine appear ASAP, and others take an hour.
God works in mysterious ways and approves all links.
I think He has software agents to keep track of where crazy links might go to, and He tells them who He trusts.
Dearest Well-Endowed Deity,
I have, actually, both a question and a prayer for Your Virile Stupendousness, both sports-related. I’ll do the prayer first: I was awed and humbled by Your magnificent and almost artistically beautiful smiting of that smug fuck Tom Brady, and I come to you now with the meager request that You smite Kobe Bryant just as bad. I fucking hate that guy, go Spurs, etc. Also, it’s safe to do now, because Kobe already won Your favorite country their bball gold, so there’s no reason to keep him around anymore. Now, the question: we all know that You toss hurricanes and stuff around so as to destroy those who violate Your Divine Druthers, and I heard that the Houston Astros are really getting fucked by Hurricane Ike. Before it, they were on like a 14-1 streak and since they’re sub-.500. So my question is, did You smite the Astros? I don’t actually care about baseball, but I just can’t stand not knowing Your every object of hatred.
I remain cowed by the Divine Holy Fuckin’-A-ness that You are – thanks for being so much better than all the other fake gods!
-larryniven
Er, and amen.
“ks for being so much better than all the other fake gods!”
Hope ya got yer asbestos underwear on, friend. Our God is a jealous God, lumping Him in with fake gods peeves Him.
Amen.
in 2007, George W. Bush vetoed an increase of $7 billion per year in health care spending for the poor, saying the country couldn’t afford it.
now, we can’t afford NOT to give $700 billion to wall street executives with no oversight whatsoever (that would be socialism!).
in 1980, in terms of today’s dollars, the national debt was $1.5 trillion.
this year alone the government has raised the national debt ceiling limit by $1.6 trillion.
it took our country over 200 years to compile the first $5 trillion in national debt.
it has more than doubled since bush took office.
the CEOs of fannie mae and freddy mac each will receive 5 million dollars in taxpayer funded retirement benefits.
how’s your retirement account looking? put extra into your 401K this year!!
fiscally responsible conservatism is the way to go!
vote mccain in ’08! who better to fix the republicans mess than the republicans?!
amen.
How do the Republicans mesmerize the stupid sheeple?
Yeah, but Palin is so HOT Cracka. Who wouldn’t vote for McSame??
that’s true. i mean, by washington standards she’s like scarlett or megan fox…practically a combo…by washington standards, as it is hollywood for ugly people.
nun, you got any conspiracy theories about this bailout thing? i’m working something up in my head. then, i’m gonna get stoned and watch x files episodes.
YAR! SHIVER ME TIMBERS!
i guess your blog isn’t completely terrible, larry niven.
…damn his blog with faint praise, cracka.
Cracka,
I’ve got plenty.
We are allowing the government to get their hands into the private sector, some place they should not be. The Iranian president may be a little wacko but when he says the great nation of America is on the way down, I believe he’s right. We stood by and did nothing while the Bush administration stole our freedom and now we’ll pay the piper. Another Great Depression is coming people and I don’t mean our God’s Divine Sadness… I mean we’re fucked, fucked, fucked. Nobody wants to talk about the tent cities that are sprouting up at an alarming pace all over the country… nobody wants to talk about it because it’s our fucking future.
tent cities?
FIGHT THE FUTURE!!
YoYo and Nun, it was Wikipedia! A very good description of the Ten Commandments in many different versions of Christianity.
Didn’t you see the last episode? There is no pointing in fighting the future. We’re all going to be a slave race for aliens when they colonize the Earth. Why, God?? Why??
And not one of them said “thou shalt not say fuck” or the like, Halo.
The Republicans will most likely ensure that there is some sort of crisis a couple of weeks before the election. Preying upon people’s fears = votes.
There was most likely some sort of similar word back then, Nun.
But of course, the Dark Ages and resulting Middle Ages before Gutenberg ensured that the Church could do whatever it really liked to the Bible.
Please specify which Demandment that you think says “thou shalt not use words that others deem are ‘bad”.
Parents’ demandment number oh, I dunno. 15.
that’s not so much a conspiracy theory as sound observation. i was hoping for something like the election was stolen for bush by shady corporate leaders whose payback was to be allowed to rape the shit out of the economy until it nearly collapses and then, right before it does, have the government give them $1 trillion or so to “fix it”.
The Bible is the website, and the Ten Commandments are the FAQ sheet.
Uppity, that sounds like the last US election – only put in 9/11 fears, haul out Bin Laden, and factor in Enron. Plus Daddy Bush’s closest friends who had plum White House positions.
Yours seems like a pretty sound observation as well, Cracka. That’s what happens when conspiracy theories become reality. They’re no longer theories but sound observations. The only problem is, we just might bring down a whole lot of global markets with us. Is it of any use to move to the UK now?
Both elections were stolen by Bush.
i bet it was like 28% of people voted for him. and the whole time the media was just reporting this divided nation crap to keep it from being so shocking when diebold declared bush the winner again. funny, the guy was elected twice and both times the outcome was in question. what are the odds? the U.N. election oversight committee (i don’t know if that’s what they’re called) says that american elections don’t live up to its standard for transparent democratic elections. but, i don’t really care. God is my president.
Dear Almighty God,
I did capitalize my prayer correctly, but something strange happened to it when I sent it to the Northern Hemisphere. Some of my capitalization was stolen. I believe I am being spied upon by evil Northern Hemisphere atheists who lurk like in the internet tubes like turds in a sewer.
Yours in frustration
Smoggy Batzrubble
(and the rest of you, what’s wrong with my name? It’s not something stupid like Trig, or Track, or John)
that’s what my parents say. whenever i question things they just say, “well, god is in control. so, you don’t need to worry.”
AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
amen.
God hates America. I can’t say I blame Him.
God hates lots of things. It’s His job.
from now on, whenever i fail at something i’m going to ask, “where’s my $700,000,000,000?”
Uppity, on your invisible money tree that grows in a parallel universe.
What’s baffling is that this happens in America. Not some banana republic. No, not the store.
HA!! Matt Millen finally got the boot. Maybe the Lions will have a chance now at some later date. They need to cut Kitna loose too.
If they bail out the mortgages now, I sure hope they’ll be ready to bail out the college loans when my kids are finished school.
Nun, are you a Lions fan?
God,
McCain and Satanus must have read the post where you said You would make McCain loose his temper and call Obama the N word, he’s looking to cancel the debate!!!
God, they are trying to thwart Your devine will.
Did anyone say you had a funny name, Smoggy? Isn’t “Batzrubble” the New Zealand equivalent of “Jones?”
Note I said Jones and not Johnson. There’s no equivalent to a big ol’ Johnson.
McCaneToad and Obama oughta both be in Washington helping to clean up this mess. They’re senators. But now they’re playing chicken, because the first one to do it will make the other one look bad.
I hate the Lions but I feel so sorry for their fans. I know what it’s like to love a team where the ownership doesn’t seem to give a shit about the team.
#189 “What’s baffling is that this happens in America. Not some banana republic.”
Are you really baffled? The flip side of the American dream is that those who get it, have often trampled the dreams of a hell of a lot of others.
From the perspective of a small country only lightly bullied by the US Govt., I can tell you that your representatives see the world in two camps–Americans and losers. And you citizens get the flip side of that at home–if you’re a loser, you’re not an American.
For any of you who have a Facebook, I posted something on God’s Holy Profile that shows what he really loves.
Nun, I lived in Detroit for awhile, and I’ve never seen more loyal fans. If the teams here in Philly were as bad, the fans would wait outside the ballpark and murder the players.
everyone is waiting for 200
Josh rocks! FACE Smoggy!
I wasn’t counting–I was thinking up more rude things to say about American global fuckery.
200! YAARRR!!
Anne said, “McCaneToad and Obama oughta both be in Washington helping to clean up this mess.”
How Anne? Are either of the senators on the Joint Economic Committee? What power do they have in this? The answers are 1) they can’t 2) no 3) none.
They are supposed to represent their constituents by being in Washington, DC during times of crisis, instead of sitting in hotel rooms prepping for a debate.
Here’s an idea. Make them actually do their day jobs in Washington tomorrow and Friday, and then have the debate in Washington.
Smoggy,
I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that Halo is not an American.
If they can attend two fish fries and four fundraisers in three different states in one day, then surely they could actually be present to do some legislating, and then suit up for a debate in the evening.
Yeah. Druid and Green Party. That’s me.
But I’m not voting Green this year.
Anne,
Obama and McCain have no power right now. What do you want them to do vote yes or no on a set of laws and rules that are not even in existance right now? Come on Druid! Even the trees know that’s not possible.
Once they finalize the package then maybe Obama and McCain can put in a symbolic no power vote in favor of an already agreed upon package, but until then thoe fucking monkies need to debate!
FYI – McCain has already said he doesn’t knwo anythign about the economy and he’s not sure of how many houses he has. Do you want that old fuck deciding how us poor slobs foot the bill? I don’t, let him shit his depends and drink ensure on the campaign trail.
Smoggy, I live above the 49th parallel.
Anne,
How does it feel to throw away your presidential vote every 4 years?
Monkeys!!!! Not fucking monkies!!!!
Shit i was so worked up i spelled that shit hella wrong
I feel stupid, Anne but what does He love? Besides His own Divine Penis?
FROM CNN:
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid issued a statement saying the presidential debate should go on and that McCain’s negotions should not be a “photo op.”
“It would not be helpful at this time to have them come back during these negotiations and risk injecting presidential politics into this process or distract important talks about the future of our nation’s economy,” the statement said. “We need leadership, not a campaign photo op.”
Any rebuttal Anne?
Oh, Josh is feeling feisty.
Agreement, Josh. I hope they stay away, they can’t help at this time.
Halo, I live above a sheep pen.
PS Are you secretly Tony Snow in disguise because you’re pissed off that humans and cracka aren’t taking the blog seriously but you still want to join in?
McCain just doesn’t want to debate.
Reminds me of 9/11 – the aftermath. We had many concerned officials standing around staring at the mess, jockeying for a photo op.
And getting in the way of the workers.
McCain doesn’t have the facility to debate.
Although I might cast a vote for the pirate.
Halo,
Please tell me that you are not Tony Snow.
Palin sees a possible Depression: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080924/ap_on_el_pr/palin
Will we have people standing on the corner, selling Apples©?
Who is Tony Snow? I’m not a regular contributor/worshipper.
McCain is hurting in the poles, especially with his record of voting over 90% in line with GW (including on economic policY). He knows that when the economy is brought up at the debate, and it will be, he does nto have a leg to stand on. He also knows that he said flat out he does not know much about the economy. If Obama keeps his cool and sticks to the issues (which he will) McCain can’t win the debate and he will call Obama the N word.
Just wait for the excuse they dig up for Palin’s debate to not take place.
I see that Palin warns we could be headed for another Depression if Congress doesn’t act. Scary.
Palin’s home, taking care of her baby, she can’t debate now.
Okay, you’ve convinced me, Josh. And trust me, no thrown-away vote this election. If the geezer and his bear-slayer win, I don’t want anyone saying I was part of it.
Don’t you just love hearing a Republican saying we need more regulation of banks? It’s kind of like hearing a Mormon say we ought to jerk off more.
Smoggy, you’re not pulling the wool over my eyes, are ewe?
Russia has sent an iceberg to Alaska. She can’t debate.
Heh…sheep jokes.
Tony Snow wears shades–but he didn’t have his chosen for him.
Smoggy must get back to insulting America…
Yo,
Palin is using scare tactics. However, given that, I do believe we are well on our way to the next Great Depression.
Here’s the rub: GW was not a disappointing president, he came in and made lots of money for himself and his friends. They deregulated many things (Look at all the BS they did with the FCC and Worldcom! They allowed that company to steal money via not paying taxes and then get off scott free by declairing chapter 11 and thereby being in a better position than companies like AT&T who paid taxes).
By giving these companies $700billion they are propping the market up for a future fall. They are not allowing it to correct itself. If I start a business and run it into the ground the gov’t isn’t going to give me money to keep it afloat. So AIG goes under, so Lehman brothers dies? Another smaller company will come in and do similar things for cheaper. The market will correct itself and the dollar will gain power.
Is Facebook safe in terms of protecting the users? In short, is God going to get in trouble? Is some Jesus freak going to come along and say “hey!! God doesn’t use the internet!! That’s an imposter!”? And if so, will Facebook go after God and risk the smiting of a lifetime?
facebook is good, Myspace is a little rapey.
I wonder if that’s why Jesus told God not to use Facebook. Jesus is trying to protect his Divine Poppa. That’s so sweet.
err.. not to use Myspace.
♪ Once I built a network, I made it run, made it race against time. ♪
♪ Once I built a network; now it’s done. Brother, can you spare a dime? ♪
♪ Once I built a play, up on Broadway, with a mime;
Once I built a play, now it’s done. Brother, can you spare a dime? ♫
I’m headed to the street corner to sell Apples ©, maybe a few Dells or HPs.
Dear God of gods, the Alpha and the Omega, He whose penis knows no rival,
Please smite every dude who uses a stall in a public restrooom to take a piss. Not only are they wasting water that You created, they are taking bowl time from some poor slob who might have the hershey squirts.
I thank You and Your divine wisdom.
You original humble servant,
Josh
Amen.
PS – are they using the stall because You already smot them with a small dick?
Whatever happened to Chinese Acrobat?
Dear Alpha and Omega, King of Kings, Messiah,
My great-aunt in Germany has just died and her neighbors are trying to cheat me out of my inheritance. Please offer me some advice on what to do, or if you’re feeling merciful, please smite those neighbors.
Sincerely,
Throughly Pizzled
Thank you, o Lord, and amen.
Thoroughly Pizzled,
your request will be denied. Even I see you did not capitalize all the “you”s and “your”s.
That’s disrespectful to God and His divine mercy.
Yes, sadly Josh is right. In fact your lack of capitalization is so terrible that God may be forced to aid those other Nazi arseholes.
Dearest God in Heaven,
I’d like to thank You for answering my prayer! Today I went around Toronto and screamed at hipsters and emo kids gallivanting around town in leggings that they would be smoted by the end of the week for wearing such blaphsemous non-pants monstrosities. I really appreciate it, the heathen scum really had it coming.
Also, since Lindsay Lohan will inevitably wear leggings as pants every day this week, what will her smiting be? Will she be smited times seven for each instance she wears leggings, or will their just be one cumulative smite? Does having to see Samantha Ronson count as a smiting?
PS, You don’t have to cheer up if You don’t want to, I apologize. You are God and can jerk off to Morrissey all You want if You’re so inclined.
Lauren,
I think God has already smited Lindsay Lohan by making her Lindsay Lohan.
What worse can HE do?
Smoggy
Smoggy, she has family. A mother and sister (14 going on 30). And maybe a half-sibling?
Perhaps God can also give Paris Hilton something meaningful to do.
I liked Paris’s campaign ad.
Josh – I should smite EVERY male who does this? What if all the urinals were taken? This man should pee his pants in order to save a gallon of water from flowing from one place on earth to the next? No, I will not interfere. That’s ridiculous.
Pizzled – You failed to capitalize correctly. So no, I will not smite anyone for you. However, by way of advice I can tell you to fly there and kill the neighbors yourself. That should help.
Lauren – You’re welcome.
Dear Thy Holy God of Thy Universe and Beyond, whose Unlimited Smiting Power is Unmatched and always will be until the End of Thy World.
I was looking at the Facebook profile of an individual named Bradley Rykers and under the religion segment claimed to be God, even though he is anything but a God. I hereby ask of You, as a Holy Prayer for You, to deal with this cumknuckle before he claims to be the Almighty Lord of This Earth ever again.
Thank You for Everything and Amen for All Eternity.
Once again, Amen and Hallelujah Brother!
Dear God.
Please smite uppity cracka for me. I know that he’s been the thorn in Your side far too bloody long.
Thank You and Amen.
you’ve got one of those ironic names, right? like calling a fat guy tiny…because you’re clearly not better than anyone at anything. especially being funny. didn’t you get smited for it?
Letterman.
G morning, cracka. Still in oncology?
nope. today i am trying to hide in the corner of the building so other people might have to do work. it probably won’t work. they always find me eventually.
YAR! DEBATIN’ BE NOT ME CUP O’ TEA!
I’M OFF TO SAVE THE ECONOMEE!! YAR!!
Yo, God. Word.
Try stall #1 in the upstairs Men’s Room. After lunch, move to Stall # 4 (next to the wall) in the downstairs bathroom. Occasionally sneak into your office and rearrange your desk, open an application on your PC, set a steaming cup of coffee next to the keyboard. It looks like you are working, and just stepped away.
lucy’s back!! how’d the war go?
shut up, ben.
Also, carry a clipboard. Walk rapidly through the hallways, head bent down, and frown. A lot.
got it.
Cracka-
War is going mighty fine. If I were a mortal, my head would be pounding with a hangover worthy of The Prince of Darkness.
Shut up, Ben.
Lucifer, did you contract with Haliburton for the rebuild?
I’m nearly done doing away with Free Market Economy and you’re asking me about Haliburton? I’m going to use only Hebrew slaves, like the Egyptians did with the pyramids.
sweet. is that why the unpleasant jew disappeared? as usual, you can always count on us whiteys.
Damn straight.
Lucifer, I figured you’d caught most of the Haliburton bunch and had them roasting over a fire made of #2 sweet crude, from the Kirkuk oil fields.
excellent smite God!
Who knew David Letterman was an angel of death?
another smite God!
You’re giving the McCain/Palin ticket a royal ass kicking!
God is good all the time!
i like letterman’s point about palin. why can’t she campaign while he’s off saving the world? give speeches. answer questions. interviews. you know, campaign stuff. put in your 2nd stringer!!
McCain’s afraid Palin will open her mouth and reveal how out of her depth she is.
he’s afraid she’ll pull several consecutive biden’s and claim that franklin roosevelt went on tv after the market crashed?
Let’s have Biden and McCain run together, leaving the young, mixed race, mixed gender team of Obama and Palin to run the country.
You are welcome My humble servant Josh. I am building up to the debate when McCain will angrily hurl the word ‘nigger’ at Obama.
God,
Please make my family realize I exist when they’re counting up the grandchildren for the obituary this time. It always bothers me when they forget about me.
maybe if you weren’t…oh, nevermind.
God, it just occurred to me that maybe the censors will run a 7 second delay on this debate and dub the word “democrat” over the word “nigger”. so, you might want to watch out for that. but, you knew that already. you know everything.
They’re racist like you, Cracka. I am not so therefore, I am not worthy.
sheeeeeeat.
well, you deserve it then.
here’s a suggestion: just pretend to be racist. maybe it would help if you develop a stereotypical caricature of a racist, self-righteous honky and just hate through that.
I know. I lie in sin with black people. Or, is that ‘lay’ in sin?
i think it’s called coalburning.
If I did that, nobody would be able to distinguish me from the uppity honkys who brought me into this god forsaken world.
well, nun, naomi klein has helped solidify the x files side of my brain with the bailout. turns out newt gingrich, of all people, has an 18 point plan all written up and ready to go. just like the patriot act magically appeared right after 9/11. privatize public programs. publicize private debt. it’s the end all be all of reagan style economics. bush’s ‘final solution’ is coming into view. we’re fucked.
Nun, my condolences.
I told ya, Cracka. I’ve been saying shit like this for awhile but people just wrote me off as an obsessive X-Files fan/conspiracy theorist.
The government is about to regulate everything. Now look at the countries where that has happened and tell me it’s a good thing. Visions of the Soviet Union, anyone?
Thanks, C. Honestly, I shouldn’t care. I’m not kidding when I say they’re racist. I hang out with black people and gays so you know I’m not acceptable in their little narrow-minded minds. But family is family, you know?
Family is family – I know all about how you feel. Moving 500 miles away did wonders for my relationship with my kin.
You know what makes me sad, Curtis? That approximately 50 percent of gays and lesbians are not ‘out’ to their family. I know a guy who has not talked to his family for over 20 years because they cannot accept that he is gay. He has HIV and deals with everything alone. My heart aches for him.
And why the fuck is it gays and lesbians? Aren’t lesbians gay too?
And of course, the ostracization is done because of God.
Totally off-topic, Nun what is your facebook name?
Nun I know how you feel.
Sorry to hear your family is stuck in 1945.
Nun, do they know they are bigoted fuckwits? Or do they think they are middle of road, as American as apple pie, etc.
is her family perpetually celebrating the end of WWII? did you hear?! we bombed the japs!!! it’s over!!!! God love harry truman.
uppity, you’re mamking other crackas look bad (and that joke was corny)
MAKING not mamking
Dear God/Your Holiness/Badass of all Badasses,
I know that I’m not one of your favorites, and I know you hate my guts. If it wouldn’t be too much trouble, let me participate in the final war kill as many muslims as possible, and die a glorious death whether there is a heaven or a hell. If I get into heaven even better. If I get into hell I’ll help torture Muhammad and Ali and all those other fags who screwed up your glorious earth kingdom.
299?
300/
300?
CRAP! Well done, Josh.
THREE-YUNDRED!! YAAAARRRRR!!!
Amen
Now we have to fill up the comments section with inane chatter until 400 rolls around.
amen, jew.
of course it was corny, josh. it was from the 40s.
smarmy buttsmuggle must be sleeping in tomorrow…which is today. fuck! does he live in the fifth dimension?
josh, 296, the other crackas make themselves look bad when they put on their polos and khakis.
those three could have been one post, but then 400 won’t get here until i’ve long after i’ve gone home.
did you hear about nun’s vagina? it’s fucked more black guys than the three strikes law.
6 in a row.
YAR!
this “pissedoffjew” guy sucks. fuck that guy. there’s only room for 1 jew around here.
dear god,
i pray you ban all other jews but me.
and rape their behinds.
i hear rumors that there’s a procedural etiquette that must be followed to pray. i didn’t read the post so i don’t know the etiquette, and i don’t care about the etiquette.
god,
answer my prayers or all the coffees in the world ain’t gonna get me here.
YAR!!
It’s quiet…too quiet. I could hear drums out in the brush. I commented to Smithers, my batman and aide-de-camp, that I didn’t like the sound of the drums.
Came a voice from the brush, “HE’S NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER!”
Very Incredibly Unpleasant Jew – I will not be answering your prayer as you did not show proper respect. You are the least unpleasant Jew here…or anywhere for that matter. Furthermore, Jesus will be raping your behind. Tonight.
god’s a faggot.
and he likes balls on his mouth.
ouch. a butt rape.
meatballs? because they can be quite tasty.
Sweaty chocolate balls.
you’re just lucky the incredibly unpleasant jew isn’t here to kick your ass!! and he’s lucky the unpleasant jew isn’t here to kick his!!!
god prays to me.
so, i read that they don’t poll people who exclusively have cell phones, who are pro obama buy like 35%. so, you have to add 2-3% more for obama in the polls.
*by like 35%
God, please smite Sarah Palin with genital warts from all that illicit sex she’s had.
Oops, already taken care of.
Thanks God!
bam!
I love Alec Baldwin’s balls. Mmmm… saltalicious.
Dude,
My Facebook profile is as real as God’s. My name is Cordelia Wetspot.
crotchstain, huh? sounds about right.
coalburning faghag atheist cunt.
You know that black people could kick your honky ass up and down the block, right? Hell, my son could kick your cracka ass and he’s only half black.
i’m a ninja, stupid. nobody can kick my ass. besides, i have guns and bodyguards and dogs and an apache attack helicopter and i’m wearing a bombproof vest. plus, not ALL black people are professional boxers or hardcore street thugs you racist bag of herpes pus.
crotchstain.
coalburning…
Hahahaha
Haha
Ha
that’s why we don’t trust kiwis. always trying to smuggle things in their butts, the smarmy bastards.
We smuggle things in our sheep’s butts.
Name your dream team?
McCain / Palin
OR
Letterman / Couric
He’s a cracka… it’ll be McCain/Palin no matter what he says. He won’t be able to bring himself to vote for a black man come election day.
that’s true. a lot of reformed cracka’s still harbor racial thoughts. it’s how we were raised. we might say we’re going to vote for the smart guy who can speak english and add numbers together, but once we get inside that booth we will vote ‘whitey’ and tell ourselves that we were voting for experience. then, we’ll get on a train and clutch our purses and check for our wallets when the black people get on. but, we’re not racist. we just don’t want other races to have our power is all.
not that anyone actually counts the votes anyway. diebold has the count done already, right nun? it’s a miracle! a stunning upset for the white folk!!
A very weak limerick:
A slick man of letters, named Dave,
Invited old John for a rave.
But the economy failed,
And brave McCain bailed,
So Dave turned to digging his grave.
at least it rhymes.
I just heard about a NINJA loan: No Income, No Job, no Assets.
Gotta get me one of them.
This one’s a bit better:
As John McCain raced to save Wall Street,
Palin’s team searched for the least heat:
“Couric’s no hard liner,
She’s got a vagina.”
But she out-pissed the VeePee by ten feet.
Right, Cracka. There’s no real point in discussing who we’re voting for. All our votes will be stolen if they’re not for McCain. Fucking crackas!!
i hate us!!!
crap. i just bit my tongue. why would God smite me like that? maybe it was because i disclosed the master plan to you stupid “ethnics”.
YAR! YO-HO-YO-HO A STOLEN ELECTION FOR ME!
yar.
shut up, ben.
Ben,
I like you so I’m going to say this. I like pirates and what you have done by turning McCain into a pirate is incredibly offensive and hurtful to the pirates. Please, think about the pirates and stop these shenanigans.
I think pirate McCain is very funny–especially when his parrot shits on his shoulder.
cracka, I’m learning to speak Canadian, so when things go to shit here in America, I can escape with my family.
It’s been nice knowing you, eh?
Smoggy, it is only funny when the parrot rips McCain’s eyes out, eh.
Smoggy, that’s not shit…
Ooops…sorry, my mistake. He’s got a penis on his shoulder, not a parrot.
So, whenever he says YAR he’s cumming? You’d better have a talk to him nun–about hygiene issues and social acceptability etc.
And then I think you should ring your family and tell them Smoggy says they’re sanctimonious bastards.
Yo Mama,
I think things in America may already have gone to shit.
SHIVER ME TIMBERS!!
Smoggy, got room for an overweight, middle-aged white guy and family?
Is it not socially acceptable to cum in public, Smoggy?
And I’ve mentioned something along those lines to my family… I was called a nigger-loving, lesbian tree-hugger. Can you imagine… calling me a tree-hugger!?! Fascist bastards!
That’s funny because I have a bumper sticker that says, “tree hugger”.
I’m being a little hard on the racists… they never called me a tree-hugger.
Nun, how did you escape the brainwashing?
AVAST, YE TREE HUGGING NIGGER FAGS!
YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRR!!!
shut up Ben.
Nun can say the N word because she fucked a bunch of them.
Yo,
I question hypocrisy. We’re all God’s children but it was okay to hate people of a different color… that didn’t seem right and it all unravelled from there.
yar…I’m…unattractive.
Hey Yo Mama,
No shortage of room here! Plenty of wide open spaces in fact–and land doesn’t cost too much. Shania Twain bought 27,000 hectares of the best stuff.
See:
http://www.nzlistener.co.nz/issue/3361/features/2702/come_on_over.html;jsessionid=D3CC41C8DFBFD3F41FB75E614776EC81
Wow Nun! Nigger-loving lesbian–that’s great ‘cos usually the n-l bit is about them sticking their big black cocks in your white meat, but you won’t be doing that if you’re a lesbo. They must be feeling really conflicted.
OK, Smoggy, I’m in. Do you have an initiation, or a test at the border or something?
I don’t think they knew what to think of me because I love the company of fags. It really fucked with their ignorant minds.
Do they think they are balanced? Don’t they recognize their own bigotries?
Hey Stupid Jealous God You Moron:
Remember the prayer I sent most humbly to you about my computer? Well, my 14-year-old daughter fixed the problem herself. So, can she run heaven? She would do a better job than you.
Nun – daughter says that if she runs heaven, there will be a Sexy Guys with Shirts Off Day every other Wednesday!
All in favor of a new Heavenly Host say AMEN!
Gotta toddle to the Vicodin bottle now.
Hey!! I’m no dummy, Anne. You’re just trying to get me smited by God. That sexy guy with shirts off day is a pretty good idea though. Just saying, God… in case You’re paying attention.
Yo,
I think they honestly believe that they’re right and god-fearing people but I don’t have many discussions with them. They make me rage.
Hey Anne, I’d say you’ve already toddled to the vicodin a couple more times than you should have.
Yo Mama–we don’t have much of an entrance test. With a lot of NZers emigrating to Australia because the weather is warmer, we’re letting almost anyone in. Half of white South Africa came here after apartheid let those niggers (sorry, kaffirs) take over boer-land.
Anne.
Clearly your daughter is doing the work of the Devil.
Smoggy, I live in Maine, where it’s winter nine months of the year, and three months of rough sledding. A cold climate would be normal.
We’re not that cold in most places, Yo Mama. In fact we’re pretty temperate–but being a long slither of land in mid-pacific with a coastline the length of the continental USA we attract a fair bit of wind some times. In a nice inversion of what you’ll be used to we’re warmer to the north and colder to the south.
Best place to live? I’d retire to Nelson in the Tasman Bays area–simply beautiful!
http://www.nelson.co.nz/
Why would anyone go to New Zealand when they can go to Appalachia, get the same deal, and still be able to buy Dr. Pepper at the gas station?
It’s my bedtime, which makes me think Smoggy’s gonna stick around here until he can grab #400.
Anne,
I’ve been to NZ and it would be worth it just for the cheese and ice cream. They really are great and you can’t get them anywhere else.
Tony, you are so right:
Tip Top ice cream and Kikorangi blue cheese–two reasons I’d find it hard to leave.
But you forget the vineyards and award winning wines, green lipped mussels etc. etc.
Don’t tell Anne we sell drinks at out gas stations (and we have electricity, running water, flushing toilets and equal rights for sheep)
Kind of shaky on the electricity thing … when I was there everyone had to plan on the power being off for a few hours each day. Also your light switches are upside down!
Oh yeah…good point. Every three or four years our Hydro lakes try to dry out. But it’s usually only turned into a crisis so our power companies can jack up the prices.
Of course the light switches are upside down. we’re on the bottom of the world and upside down…duh!
Dear God,
Please go away. If less people believed in a false, mythical being such as yourself perhaps the world wouldn’t be so screwed up. Amen.
http://twowhiteboys.com/2008/
Uppity, the smiting has not affected me that much, now go get smoten you shit-eating goatrapist.
Smoggy, I’m in – I love blue cheese and seafood, and the thought of being able to step outside in my shirtsleeves without dying is intriguing.
Do the young women wear short skirts?
anne, I’d move to NZ because America is going to Hell, lead by incompetent, greedy politicians who tell the sheeple lies and get away with it.
Seeing the Moon upside down and different constellations would be fun, too.
THAR! Your website blows demian.
YAR!
better than me,
it would seem your insults are all the same. you accuse me of raping different animals, none of which are funny. maybe smoggy can send you the link to his insult generator and people may falsely respect you for a minute. i guess that would be better than your life of being laughed at by girls and children right now, so…hell, i say go for it!!
YAR FACE!
I think that’s enough of the whole pirate mccain thing. its starting to annoy me.
cracka–the insult generator still requires a little bit of actual talent and would be wasted on someone who peaks at goatrapist
Yo Mama, as chance would have it I saw a girl in a mini skirt this very day, and it’s only just spring
STARTING to annoy you?!!!
Yeah, Pirate, you fuck. I thought you suspended your campaign. You’re supposed to be saving America from uppity black people who want to sully the White House with their dark skin.
Imagine a black dude sleeping in the Lincoln bedroom. *shudder* Ain’t right.
Ain’t gonna happen, Anne. We’re dreaming if we think it will.
Yes, the darling Palin children will need that bedroom. Gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to think of them romping in the Oval Office as their mama purges America of … uh oh … Pagans….
Where’s Smoggy?
He’s sure to show up momentarily, we’re almost at a century comment.
Yes, she believes that witchcraft is a real evil and was even blessed to be protected from it. She’s a freaky bitch and women who don’t realize that are perfect examples of why some women shouldn’t be allowed to do anything because they’re not capable of thinking.
Time to be
… totally immature …
where is everyone?
… because I can …
Josh is in God’s employ.
Anne,
Do you think for one minute that the Almighty would let a non believer take 400?
He may not let me win the powerball, but He wants me to FACE you as much as possible.
God is good, all the time.
nice timing, lucky to be alive josh. i’ve hired several guns to expediate my josh killing spree. your days are numbered.
josh and god are definitely buddies…
BUTT BUDDIES!!!!!!
God,
I had previously, out of the goodness of my mortal heart and due to my immense and undying love for You, used my prayer request to request Your Divine Happiness. You said You granted my request but I have some serious doubts about that, God. I think You’re still in a Divine Funk.
So… I’ll risk Your Massive and Divine Wrath by submitting another prayer request.
Dear God,
You Handsome Deity, You, please grant me the serenity and strength to deal with my narrow-minded family today. Please, God!! If You deny my request then You will next be hearing from me in prison as I will have gone on a mortal rampage and slaughtered all members of my family that I have deemed “narrow-minded”. Certainly the world would be sent reeling into chaos if that many white-trashers are removed at once from something other than Your Awesome Tornado Smiting Power. Also, how will Uppity Cracka fill the hours of the days if my vagina is not in the vicinity? You and I both know how much he loves my vagina.
Please, consider my request, Dear Lord. Your Flock would not be the same with Nun gone. Plus, I’d be really sad in prison—
— See? That’s me being sad in prison.
Thank You again for Your Divine Time and Attention in this most trivial and mortal of matters.
Amen.
Man, if Josh was black I would so fuck him.
Nun,
I am black look at my avitar.
nun is not very observant. also, she doesn’t see that God’s plan for her life is simply to use her to smite some WT. silly nun.
I know… that’s why I’m so wildly attracted to you. Cutie.
Cracka is NOT the cutie. Josh is the cutie. You cutie, Josh.
nun’s imprisoned vagina has been bored out by so many mop handles that you can use it to smuggle mexican midgets across the border from tijuana, where she will work in a cheap brothel after being released from prison.
you know, nun, i’m not really a grumpy looking yellow circle.
Cracka,
You may be right about God’s Divine Plan for me. If so, I am so honored to be chosen by Him to take out white-trash. I thought He was the only one that was allowed to slaughter and smite trailer-trash. If He is allowing me such a Divine Act then I am most honored indeed. I intend on doing this in such a way that I’ll be featured on the national news. I must honor God.
I do it all for You, God!!
Cracka,
I am a woman. That means that unless I kill an abusive husband or a bastard that was stupid enough to kidnap and hurt my child, I will not be released from prison. I will be sent to death row where I’ll be executed quite quickly.
Being a cracka has made you really out of touch. Maybe you should use the McCain screenname.
.
.
.
You’re not really a yellow circle with a unibrow? WOW!! I’m shocked, Cracka.
us crackaz know nothing of real life.
God has many smiting tools at his disposal.
I’m an aidsburger in paradise!
Aidsburger – wakawakawaka!
aids is funny cause you get it from butt-sex and drugs. and your mom. and from me.
Ba-Zing! Aidsburger you could give Henny Youngman a run for his money! That part about my mom, oh priceless.
hey it’s not personal. i wasn’t talking about your mom, just moms in general.
even better!
cracka, I wouldn’t worry too much about the unibrow, cuz you see those in Vogue sometimes. But that yellow color means either that you’re asian or that you’ve killed your liver by drinking too much.
Lucky I got blue for my avatar. I’m both depressed and liberal. Bull’s eye.
Josh, I would be mad at you for stealing #400, but you were right about McCaneToad and Obama not being needed in Washington. So this time I’ll let it pass. Next time, let God handle things. He knows how.
Anne,
Your comments show that either you don’t understand God or you grossly unerexstimate His power.
I was at 400 because either God allowed it to happen or He directly put me at 400. Either way His divine power is seen. So He already ‘handled things’
The funny part is I waited to press enter until I felt a divine touch, that’s the Him honest truth.
hallelujah
All this talk about God and how He “handles things” is turning me on.
I wonder which natural disaster is representative of God ejaculating.
#428 Answer: Christianity
WTF is unerexstimate? I mean underestimate. Jesus that was a dumb typo.
joshes typos are gay.
i mean josh’s!!
HA! That was funny Cracka!
A semi-FACE
sort of FACE!!
it’s friday. who (besides God) started drinking already?
hey, maybe that’s why i’m yellow!!
bleeeeaacccaarrggareharaochaoe….
…
…
drinking? i’m already puking!
Are you sure you’re not playing with your dingy?
benny boings his dingy! benny boings his dingy!
I’m at work, so of course I’m only drinking beer.
I’m on painkilling pharmaceuticals, otherwise I’d be tucking into a brew, I think.
i’m going to lunch now, so i guess only two drinks for me.
I’m curious what all you bastards look like (except Anne, and not because she’s a tree hugger but because I already know what she looks like). It would be funny if Uppity Cracka turned out to be Tim Wise.
I went to God’s facebook profile and You can see what anne looks like on facebook Josh. she’s the only one you can see though. I didn’t see anyone named Uppity Cracka.
Josh,
I probably should do this, but here’s a picture of me.
http://emol.org/nevada/images/tinytim.jpg
I do believe some of the posters here are friends with God on Facebook but they’re incognito. Secret spy stuff.
Oh American Psycho, didn’t I say in my post that I could see what Anne looks like. You really are psycho. Just don’t kill me.
Josh,
You’re a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death, and then play around with your blood.
I agree Cordilia Wetspot. I however am not God’s friend on Facebook, as Josh is my real name and you’d know it was me.
go ahead, psycho. i’ve been trying for months now.
i don’t do those myspacey facebooky things. they’re weird to me. who cares if someone is your pretend friend or not? i don’t get it.
Uppity,
I only except requests from people I know, I don’t want to be friends with a movie!
If I become God’s friend on facebook, you will be one step closer to killing me. I want to live.
I was actually talking about the people who have real Facebook profiles, Josh. I believe that Anne is the only one that you can tell which one is her real Facebook profile. Anne’s brave.
that’s one brave druid.
Nun,
I want to clean your vagina.
i’m not a very good stalker, am i? how are you still alive? FUCK! do you have ANY IDEA how many joshes live in NYC?!
i hope you have a reliable sandblaster, psycho.
AP,
I want to let you.
Also, Josh. If I choose to share my Facebook profile name, that should be my perogative, should it not?
I agree Nun, that’s the great thing about the internet: Privacy. It’s just doesn’t help my cause any.
You could create a profile called the “Chappelle Ass-Kicker” or something like that. It provides you anonymity… unless you’re the only person who kicked Chappelle’s ass which means you’re really Wayne Brady. In which case, you’re super cute and I want to bang you.
Wayne Brady loves white women Nun!
you need to google him and look for the pics from his new video, he’s in a wet t shirt.
I’m not only brave, I’m good lookin’. I wouldn’t have my picture up on Facebook except that I’m law-abiding and a good, clean Pagan girl. And also way too old for the pedophiles.
Does he, Josh? Or does he like Asian women? So many of you guys just love you some Asian women.
Were any of you planning to hunt me down and smite me? Other than God, of course.
i don’t know. i’ll have to check out your profile. i usually don’t smite hotties. God rarely commands hotty smitings anyway. but, if you’re anything less than, say, a 7.6 …consider yourself stalked and murdered.
an asian woman with curves is rare, but good. they’re usually stinky and too skinny, though. FUCKING ASIANS!
cracka, your post #450, agreement. Guess I’m an old fart (although I bake them fresh ever day, a couple hours after meals). Poking a friend? Friends I’ll never see? Idontgedit.
Love them Asian women! Submissive, glad to upgrade to living in a cardboard box in America, they fvck you long time.
Facebook is fun! When I’m turned down for every job I try to get, I’ll have something to blame it on!
Stop slobbering over Asian women, Yo Yo. They may have baby formula residue on their skin.
anne, you just have to hose them down before they enter your home. Anyway, I only touch them, not taste them.
haha! yoyo’s a selfish lover!
I am selfish, I admit. Whenever I use condoms, I turn them inside out, so all the ‘pleasure ribs’ are on the inside.
#463,
Nun his ex wife is white as snow.
I’ll see you all later. I’m gonna go down, have a few Vikes and a glass of wine, and click on the liberal media to watch the debate. Hopefully the booze and drugs will help cleanse my mind of the image of Yo Yo turning condoms inside out.
“If BS were currency, Palin could bail out Wall Street herself,” Prominent conservative columnist Kathleen Parker writes. “If Palin were a man, we’d all be guffawing, just as we do every time Joe Biden tickles the back of his throat with his toes. But because she’s a woman — and the first ever on a Republican presidential ticket — we are reluctant to say what is painfully true.”
FACE!!!!
… oops. Should have said “go downstairs.” Not that I don’t go down, if he’s good lookin and isn’t wearing an inside-out condom.
yeah Anne, you also said “liberal media” HA! Does that include Fox news?
Dear Best God EVER,
thanks for smiting the shit out of the white sox. that was the single best regular season baseball game i have ever seen. and it was so loud that i almost had an aneurysm. your smiting of the white sox had the fortunate effect of blessing my team. and that never happens!
Thanks God!!
you know, josh, the liberal media. the cagey professionals who ask the tough questions and call people out on their bullshit and investiga……..hmm….yeah, anne, does that include fox news?
Nun,
you might like this page:
http://www.gettyimages.com/Search/Search.aspx?EventId=82948093#1
MWOR!! Nun likes.
Thanks, Josh. Isn’t his ex Asian though? She looks like she’s got some Asian in her. I don’t mean Chinese Ben’s dick either.
yeah she’s mixed, but her name is Mandie. it don’t get no whiter than that.
if i change my name to shaniquia i’m still a white dude.
Yeah but her last name was Tadaka or something like that… definitely not a honky name.
you mean you’d still be puerto rican, right “cracka”?
cracak, someday you’re going to an old, bedridden cracka in a nursing home. Wanna bet your Nurse’s Aid is an angry transexual lesbian black woman?
why angry? and my name’s not cracak.
damnit, josh! for the last time. there are NO puerto ricans in minnesota. it’s mexicans in the midwest. and, yes, a lot of people do have that fargo accent.
i’m going to get drunk.
now……………….fuck off.
Angry because she somehow heard of you. She’ll put your bedpan in the freezer, even though she’ll have to come into work ten minutes early. Mealtimes will be messy, but not to worry! Bathtime with Bruce and Lance!
Yo Yo,
I tried to find a clip of the comic Dwayne Kennedy talking about how Farrakhan picked the wrong race of people to hate now that he was sick. but alas there is not clip.
and so they wait, hoping God will bless them with 500……….
…492
Smoggy, wake up…
it’s friday, he’s not sleep, he’s drunk
LOL, or with his favorite sheep.
http://www.allfancydress.com/Fancy-Dress-Costume/10807/Inflatable-Bonking-Sheep.aspx
497
yawn… are we there yet?
thats just sad yo yo.
where is everyone?
Obama
oops!
nice one smoggy, very nice
Actually Josh, it’s Saturday morning and I’m at work, which is very sad…
sucks dude. if it makes you feel any better it’s Friday night here, and I’m at work (although I’ve leaving in 30 minutes)
Smoggy, how d’you do it?
Smoggy, what do ya do?
It’s Friday, I’m leaving in a few minutes. Rainy weekend, a couple of hurricane leftovers headed here. I think we’ll go to the mall this weekend.
The 500 was a complete accident Yo Mama, I’d just turned my APPLE MAC on and thought I’d see whether any really good insults had happened, and ‘hey, what d’ya know 500 is coming up’–and God gave it to me. He’s good like that.
Friday was last night. It was good. Tacos and beer…and all the little smogs have started school holidays so joy was universal.
Heh, sounds like a good time. See you Monday.
I blessed you once again Smoggy as you have been very good at showing Me respect in your posts.
Thank You Mighty One,
I believe I have resolved the capitalization issues and will in future work to ensure my prayers to You are suitably honoring and submissive.
I pray You will give John McCain a good smiting for being so pretentious as to think he can ‘solve’ Your mighty smite on the US economy.
Less urgently, it would be nice if cracka could be transported into the middle of a gangsta rap convention, stark naked except for a KKK hood and swastika tattoos on his buttocks.
Nevertheless, not my will but Thine be done Lord
Your servant Smoggy,
Amen
It’s the other side of the globe, and I can still hear the sound of Smoggy sucking up to God. Slurp. Slurp. Slurp.
*gags*
Not blaming this gag reflex on the pain meds, either. It’s genuine.
Oh, and Mighty One, that prayer request about cracka and the gangsta rappas, is there any chance You could modify it thus?
“Less urgently, it would be nice if cracka and druid annie, could be transported into the middle of a gangsta rap convention, both stark naked except for cracka wearing a KKK hood and swastika tattoos on his buttocks, and annie a sign saying “Honky Pagan Priestess, likes to gag on big black meatsticks, Slurp. Slurp. Slurp.”
Thank You in anticipation,
Your servant
S. Batzrubble.
Drea Havnely father,
ZYou’re AWesome man!!!!!!1
and anne johnson,
You’re a druidy druid dumb-face >:(
And I’m drunk.
Thell Mother T. to shut up
Amen
I love ya, Smog but Anne’s right, that was a little slurpy on the ass-kissing.
Holy God,
Can You post some footage when of You were last in action implementing these two Commandements of Yours:
1 you shall not make for yourself an idol… and , you shall not bow down to them or worship them; for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me,(PS: I do this almost every day ;<)
2 you shall not make wrongful use of the name of the Lord your God, for the Lord will not acquit anyone who misuses his name.
AreMen (whobeleiveintheserunnishinsane?)
Uppity, don’t blame me for the fat that you’re an inbred piece of God’s Own Shit with a gravy granule for a brain.
Why is it that nobody can spell anymore? Are you all drunk? Or are you using one hand to play with yourselves?
Ya love me Nun? I feel very moved…but–ahem–I’m an asskisser?
QUOTE: “You are the most Awesome of the Awesomest. You are the Divine Spark that brings us happiness. We would be nothing without You, Oh Heavenly Father.”
gag… gag… grunt… fart… slobber… gag… slurp… slurp…
God, Master Shake here, can You please smite uppity cracka? I’ve been reading these comments and I cannot stand his jerkiness.
Your Holiness, thank You and Amen for All Eternity.
As for the previous comment, that was me in disguise.
Avatar fixed
What? Fucking skull thing!
Smoggy, I would have the time of my life at a gangsta rap convention … hear that, God?
Smoggy,
Hey!! That’s all true! Except for the Divine Spark that brings us happiness. Maybe that was a little ass-kissy. But I do it all out of love for God.
At least Nun gets something good for her worship — chiba. All Smoggy gets is numbers with two zeroes in them. You gotta up the ante, Smoggy.
God, you can’t have Paul Newman. He has gone straight to Druid heaven. Where he won’t have to wear a gay white robe and sing all the time.
RIP Mr. Newman.
Paul Newman is mine! AT LAST!
He told Me to tell you to please keep buying his salad dressing for the good of mankind.
He is NOT yours, God! He’s gone to Druid heaven. Did he ever profess any faith in you? NOPE! So that makes him eligible for Druid heaven. If he was yours he would have given all that salad dressing charity to Your stupid church.
God,
No offense but I sure do really dislike some of Your Sheep. Especially the Baptist variety.
God,
What happened during the debate? I waited for the N bomb and it never came. McCain did get angry. he did get hot around the collar, but no N word.
Maybe You could please make me the winner of the powerball. I’m just saying.
Josh,
He did say it. He muttered it under his breath when he was shaking hands with Obama at the end.
Anne,
When I said he was Mine, I did not mean he is now in Heaven. I meant My cancer finally killed that atheist bastard off. He is now burning in the lake of fire, where he will burn for all eternity.
Oh yes, I forgot about your use of cancer as a weapon of mass destruction. No matter. With 300 deities at our service, we Druids have plenty who are trained to rescue worthy souls from Hell. The better to liven up our eternal parties.
Typical pagans, you’re just as prejudiced as the rest:
PAGAN 1: “I say fellow drooid, shall we save all the suffering souls from eternal damnation and scorching their privates on fiery anvils, what?”
PAGAN 2: “Oh golly gosh no…we’re not into smashing down the doors of hell and death, far too much like hard work, we might burst our staples…we’ll just pop down to rescue the worthies (i.e. the select few we want for our orgies).”
Dear God Almighty (!) –
Please work on your timing. Now I really don’t mind you smiting me mum (the witch!), but couldn’t you have waited another day so me idiot brother wouldna set the funeral on the same day I’m having my latest secret lair inspected by the local safety inspectors? Do you have any idea how long the waiting list is for them, hmmmmmm?
And about that new lair – what’s with the general one-size-fits-all smitings? First China, then the Carribean – just after I finished building you go and get an attack of restless-leg or gas and I’m left with a pile of very expensive rubble. Some protection after all the time I’ve been ‘contributing’
So no area-wide smitings in Antartica, understand? Otherwise I just might have to consider a new understanding with your cousin Zeus, or maybe the noodles-and-sauce guy.
*note to self – get cost estimate for goats and virgins*
Hey Nun (“I sure do really dislike some of Your Sheep. Especially the Baptist variety”)–I take it the family visit went well?
Smoggy, what makes you think the Druids would want the likes of Hitler, or those shitty monks who burnt witches at the stake? We save those who deserve it and leave the rest to the wrath of Jealous.
Would you save me if I fell from grace and found myself being used by Satanus as a red-hot-poke-holder, Goddess Annie?
To GOD
From PEARLY GATES
Paul Newman tried to smash through gates in racing car STOP Sent Ayrton Senna to head him off STOP Both ran off road, smashed through purgatory, crushed 12 Catholics STOP Want to come by for dinner? We’re having spaghetti ENDS
and what the hell does that have to do with anything?
You’d better watch out FSM–it’s well known the Yahweh eats lesser gods for dinner.
PS When you pee, does it come out looking like Newman’s spaghetti sauce?
Anne – you seem rather angry. It hurts daddy. The pain is right here in my heart.
I’m as worried as you are Curtis. Anne seems burdened with druidic bitterness. I think she needs to give her heart to Jesus (and I’m sure there are others around who would pay good money for one of her kidneys, esp. if it includes a free hit of vicodin)
PS Why are you blogging so late Curtis? Can’t you sleep? Or have you just got home? Or are you–ahem–waiting for your special man to get his rubber gear on?
Dear Holiest of Holies, Biggest Dick of the Big Dicks, Smitin’est Smiter of Smiters,
Please, if it Pleases the Lord, PLEASE smite the shit out of Ozzie Guillen and the White Sox just this one more time. thank You my Master.
Your uppity servant,
Cracka.
Dear The Ultimate Leader of Holiness, whose Elite Smiting and Fucking Powers are unmatched by any of us normal bastards,
Can You PLEASE put uppity cracka out of my misery? I wouldm personally LOVE to see You SMITE the shit out of him to teach him some much-needed sense, which he lacks.
Many Thanks to You and Amens all around, Almighty One.
Dear Undisputed God of Cool Things and Smiter of Unfunny people who post as unoriginal cartoon characters,
Please help curtis learn the joys of the vagina. He is trying, Father, to follow Your Holy Penis Laws, but He just likes cock too much. Thank You, Great Spirit, for not making me gay.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMEN!!
Dearest God:
Could I ask Why do you let both Trinitarianism and Unitarianism Christianity appears on the Planet Earth?
Your Most Faithful Servant,
Shun-Ren Hu
AMEN