Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Witness now the glorious truth of MY DIVINE WORD:
“A man whose testicles have been crushed, or whose penis has been cut off, must not be admitted to the congregation of Yahweh.”
In this passage of My Good Book, which just so happens to be the best-selling and most-read book of all time, I elucidate on the necessity of excommunicating any male who has lost any part of his genitals.
The reason for this is simple. If I hate a man enough to smite him so hard that he loses either his frank or his beans, then you had better believe I hate him and do not want him for My flock. No matter the seemingly random cause of your castration, I assure you it is a sign of My Profound Hatred for thee.
So if your testicles have been trampled by a horse, or shattered from the kick of an angry woman, or in any way otherwise destroyed; take heed – for you are no longer welcome in My Temple.
You are also not welcome in the House of the LORD if you have no penis. Forsooth, whether your penis was cut off by an angry woman or by a clumsy mohel, you are also not welcome in My Temple, for yea, thou art a cockless freak that disgusteth Me.
And do not think that you can use modern science to get around your eternal banishment. So if your wife cuts off your penis while you are sleeping, and then you find it in a field and have a bunch of faggoty scientists reattach it for you – this does not count. You are still not welcome in My Temple. As far as I am concerned, you and your ghastly new Frankenpenis can just keep away from Me and My People.
And lastly, if you are one of those human males foolish enough to get a vasectomy, then you have shunned the genitals I gave you and you are also no longer welcome in My congregation.
I, The Almighty LORD, have spoken.
Note: All these glorious lego illustrations for My Book provided courtesy of MY DIVINE WILL.
But God, what if the man was circumcised?
So what if he was? That’s not a lifetime guarantee of My Love you know. It’s just the entry fee.
But God, what if just one nut was crushed?
Tony, perhaps he’s allowed to stand in the doorway. As long as the nut-less side is outside.
What if I just happen to, accidentally, release large quantities of heavy metals into worldwide water supplies, resulting, accidentally, every man’s penis to slowly shrivel, one generation after the other, until, accidentally, there are no more fully-functional penises at all? What am I supposed to do if the mankind is barred from Your flock? Hell isn’t built to house that many fags. It isn’t San Francisco, You know?
Tony, Knock it OFF !!!
god,
i checked the NY times best sellers list and you are nowhere to be found. on the other hand, that mormon housewife who pretends to write is at number 6. is her smithing due anytime soon?
What if those doctors you hate so much went against your will…?
Does it it still count, or would smite them in the balls as well?
I guess this answers my John Wayne Bobbitt question. Not that there was any question that he was goin’ to hell anyway.
Tony – shutup dipshit. As My press secretary, you’re supposed to be helping Me answer questions you asshole, not asking more.
SatANUS – You and I both know you don’t have the stones.
Pharisee – I care not for the NY Times best seller list. It means nothing, is nothing compared to My Omnipotent Power.
Christian the Jew – Ah yes, anyone who becomes a doctor is also barred from My Temple, whether or not they help a man gain or lose his penis.
In all things, a fully functioning and healthy penis is very important to being beloved by Me.
God,
I know a man who cut off his junk to become a woman.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martine_Rothblatt he now makes money hand over fist and me, as a former top dog diety, struggles to pay the mortgage. Why God, why? For all my remianing power I can’t seem to smite him. Would you pull this one off for me cousin? Thanks.
Cheers,
Zeus
“In all things, a fully functioning and healthy penis is very important to being beloved by Me.”
Does this mean that elderly men using Viagra are banned? Not asking on my behalf. 4000 years old and still don’t need pharmaceutical aid.
“In all things, a fully functioning and healthy penis is very important to being beloved by Me.”
Amen to that, Father.
Zeus you dumb muthafukka. God obviously means a naturally healthy penis, not one perverted by science.
amen to that, indeed, jesus christ superstar. i think jesus misread it like “a nice, healthy penis is being loved by me.”
God,
What about the eunuchs that are in Your service? The ones mentioned in the Bible? Did they cut off their junk for Your honor and now You tottally screwed them?
Jesus,
I have no words.
Jesus, stop that stupid gangsta speak. You are among the whitest of white boys. You wear burkenstocks. You don’t see me goin around with the “Aei ho theos geōmetrei” whatever the crap that means….stupid Plato.
Uppity Cracka!! You’re back!! YAAAYY!
I’m the only one who missed you.
that’s because you’re the only one who needs to be told when to shut up.
FACE!!!
[...] God on The Bible – Deuteronomy 23:1 August 25, 2008 Posted by Skepdude in Sins, Stuff God Hates, The Bible. Tags: Christianity, Christians, God, Penis, Smitings, The Bible trackback CLICK HERE TO GO TO THE ORIGINAL ENTRY AT “STUFF GOD HATES” [...]
it sucks to be back, but it feels good to face somebody again. i see i missed bridgette really going off on the cancer post. shit, she’s stupid.
My only reason for living is God’s blog. See how much I love You, God!!
I’m so excited by what Jesus said. Anyone think he might be ready to come out? What would the fundamentalists do about that, I wonder.
Cracka, I missed you too. Not just Ben.
It’s a kind of magic.
isn’t that the realm of something or other?
how’s the evangelizing going? have you healed any fake sick people yet?
Suppose a vagitarian went to Sweden and had a penis made from her clitoris? Would (s)he be extra special in your eyes or just another cocksucker with a ersatz dick?
So, Bob Dole is not going to heavan? Sweet.
Yeah, he sure isn’t. There seems to be a lot of people not getting in. God – is there any body who ever actually makes the final cut? I know George Carlin did somehow, even though all he ever did was insult you….what was he, like the only person admitted in the last 50 years??
you’re not shutting up, neb!
Just a point of clarification here, Your Stupid Godness. So, anyone who gets to the pearly gates has to drop his drawers for an examination by some heavenly urologist? Can’t use X-rays, because we know what that does to manparts.
As for needing a dick to get into church, yeah. I believe that. Every church is full of dicks.
Uppity cracka, I’m new here, and I gotta tell ya, they’ve been missin on you. I hope you’ve got your full monte so you can stay.
Yes, sir generallizzimo Cracker!! Shutting up now, sir!
i’m fully developed. lots of practice.
good job, neb. we just may make a soldier of you yet. now drop and give nun however many it takes.
God, I’ve been gone for a while, but I wanted to let you know that in China, the Communist Party has blocked your blog. Some smitings are in order, I think.
holy crap…you were in China, pizzle? What event did you compete in? tee-hee.
They banned God’s blog? Not surprising, they ban everything on the internet. That whole Olympics thing and news story God did must’ve caught their eye.
SHIT! I’m not shutting up. Sorry sir.
I’ve healed lots of fake sick people. Very dramatic. Not had much luck with the real sick people. I’m working on it. I converted Bridgette’s sister. Didn’t take much effort.
everyone here has “converted” bridgette’s sister at least once. it’s more the spirit of shutting up than the act of shutting up anyway, neb…so, you know, whatev.
You Pharisee-
You’re looking at the wrong best-sellers list:
- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_best-selling_books#Claims_of_at_least_1_billion_copies
I did heal a man with a severed penis. Now I find out it was a big waste of time! Geez, I worked really hard on that too.
yeah, life is full of twisted irony like that. ask bridgette, she’s an expert.
Pizzled,
Yes, I was aware of that. DAMMIT!! Those commie bastards just cut My potential audience by another billion people.
Would Bridgette care to share her take on this biblical verse?
fucking asians…i hate the chinese SO MUCH!!! i hope they all get cancer and DIE!!! FUCK!!!
Asians have tiny penises. In the end, that’s probably punishment enough for their earth-bound days. Just wait till they get to Hell and find out that they’re nothing more than a demon’s sexual plaything. Then God really has the last laugh. HA!! I hope you Asians like it up the ass because that’s what you’re gonna get for all eternity.
padraig’s gravatar looks like someone surprised my gravatar from behind. someone like NUN!!
No, his gravatar looks sad and people smile when I surprise them. That’s how good I am.
surprise!!! it’s a strap on in your butt!!! yay!!! it’s like a louis ck bit.
Is that what happened on Friday night Nun, you vixen? I was so drunk off the all the wine. It’s all a little hazy.
did you wake up with a perma-grin?
No, that wasn’t me, Zeus. It was somebody you picked up at a bar. I tried to stop you but you know I can’t control you when you start getting all crazy.
The worst thing we did is I begged you to take the form of a Tim Curry sex doll. You grumbled about how you HATE taking the form of inanimate objects but you ended up granting me my request. It was tons of fun, Zeus. Such a shame you can’t remember.
Crap, it’s all coming back to me now. I thought I was supposed to be Johnny Depp. Lifelike Tim Curry sex doll…can’t belive I did that. Well, suppose I’ve done worse (i.e, my bits as a goat and goose…although being a bull wasn’t half bad). No wonder my drawers smell like sex and vinyl.
You did Johnny Depp too, Zeus. You were Johnny live, not as a sex doll. That was THE BEST!! I especially liked it when we played Pirates and you kept saying “savvy”… gets me hot just remembering it.
Mmm, savvy that…pirate booty.
Yep, you savvied that pirate booty good.
you guys bring up a good point….what if a dude loses his penis, but then walks around forever with a strap-on dildo firmly fastened?? I hope this counts.
yeah, here’s hoping. (freak)
Strap-ons are for women and Asians, Neb.
Or for a little DP without having to look over at some other dude’s junk.
yeah, the other dude’s junk can be distracting. why can’t we (men) have better looking junk? hmm…perhaps the reason for our ugly junk is to discourage us from having 3 ways. maybe God hates double stuffing porn style…therefore, he made our penises pretty much gross looking (yet sacred).
Whoa… you DP with a strap-on, Zeus? That might be easier accomplished with a dildo or vibrator that is not strapped on.
Although… the visual of a guy coming at me with two cocks protruding from his groin area is kind of comical.
ok, if penises are gross looking, how come you guys always stare at each other’s in the shower?
I disagree. Strap-on vibrating covers all bases and leaves both hands free for other activites or other women.
Johnson, when have you been in a guy’s shower?
Where do you position the strap-on, Zeus? Over or under?
Good point about leaving the hands open.
Good question. Suppose it really doesn’t matter. I dont think a device exists for under…I feel a patent coming on. Ca-ching$!
we don’t stare at each other’s junk in the shower. there is an unwritten rule among us straights. when penises are out the eyes stay up and forward. expecially true at the urinals.
so many kickass musicians die early deaths and i kept my mouth shut. after this i just have to ask: WHY GOD?!! WHYYYYY?!!!!!!!
http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/Music/08/25/people.ed.robertson.ap/index.html
Personally, I don’t think penises are gross looking at all. But that’s just me. Vaginae, however — gross.
silly homos. you guys are so silly.
(shoot!) forgot to log in correctly again.
Agreed, no downward eye movement at all. If per chance, by pure accident there happens to be a glance then rapid move away and a mental cleansing procedure much like that for PTSD or in this case it is PTSD, penis traumatic stress disorder.
Silly Cracka. Some of us take furtive glances both in the shower and at the urinal. You can’t tell because your eyes are up and forward.
Curtis, straight men all know this occurs. This also goes ignored. Thats why men sometimes skip the shake, run to the sink, and out the door. It’s unnerving. Stop it. Although, it does remind us how women feel.
that’s why we hate you gays so much. it’s not enough to just be gay on your own, you people have to try to bring us into your twisted penis world. against our wills!! down with gays!!!!!!!!!!!!
But it’s SO much fun to see homophobes get embarrassed and flustered. So, perhaps you guys should say, “hey. My eyes are UP HERE!”
Oh Cracka. We just want to embarrass you. Most straight men aren’t the least bit attractive. You’re just jealous that we can dance and you can’t.
Curtis is right though, there’s something to be said about the beauty of the penis. No wonder God hates to see them abused and mistreated… except for that whole circumcision thing.
I’ve never abused a penis in my life.
Uppity’s homophobic, I’m not, but I don’t want you lookin’ in my eyes while I shake my junk either. Quit it, eyes away, period. There are plenty of the gays out there. Look at their junk.
Rule of thumb. Every (straight) guy thinks their junk is beutiful. It just doesn’t transcend to other junk. Woman’s vajayjay on the other hand universally beautiful.
Zeus, you crack me up.
i can dance actually. which is weird considering that i’m an uppity cracka. wait a minute, the real me can dance…in here, i’m squarer than chuck woolery…and more homophobic than a van full of latinos…and i fucking HATE those sneaky chinamen. dumb orientals.
most straight men may not have ripped abs but we still get all the hot chicks!!!!
hmmm…did i just…wha???
For your information, Zeus, I belong to a Pagan nudist camp. For your further information, some of the naked people there worship you. (Why i do not know, you pathetic creator of upgraded strap-ons). And … tee hee … I’m not gonna tell you where this place is! You’ll never find it, you horny old swan.
God must be a homo. Why else would he want all his followers to have perfect equipment?
Evangelist Curtis said: “I’ve never abused a penis in my life.”
Lying is a sin, Evangelist Curtis.
Sure Cracka, sure you can dance. You all THINK you can, but we all snicker behind your backs and make rude comments about your flabby abs.
Hey, I can get hot chicks if I want to. But. Oh never mind. I’m going back to the bars now, take some crystal meth, and have anonymous hot man sex in the back room.
That’s what we all do, isn’t it?
I’ll agree with you about the Chinese. Gross.
HAHA. Curtis is republican icon.
And you’re gross. Who won the Olympics bitch?
Nudist camp. No, thank you. Then I am forced to see ugly junk I don’t want to see. I prefer getting only the women I want to see naked. AND you offend me with your silly pagan Spaghetti Monster in the sky.
Most nudist colonies are inhabited by a bunch of fatty landmasses.
that’s not a snicker, it’s a lisp. seriously though, i won trophies and shi…nevermind. i’m going to the bar to eat chicken wings and drink beer with my fat, obnoxious racist friends so we can leer at women and recite sexist jokes loudly and rudely. it’s our thing.
Neb, how is a round unhappy circle Republican? Libertarian…maybe. As God so awsomely claimed, my Games are in worship of me and as you all know the last day is one mass crazy orgie. So who won at the Olympics, Zeus, that’s who. http://sify.com/news/fullstory.php?id=14745921
nun wakes up next to a seemingly endless sea of flab thinking, “that’s the last time i offer my services to a nudist colony.” but, she never really learns her lesson.
Actually, swigging beer from a bottle and eating hot wings sounds like a better night of it anyway. I may like the cock, but I’m also a hillbilly, so in that respect I can swing both ways.
Curtis, a gay hillbilly?! What do you drive? A pink convertable VW Beetle with monster truck tires?
haha!! that would actually be pretty cool.
Zeus, how did you guess? It’s AWESOME!
Except, of course it’s lavender. Pink would stand out too much.
Cracka said: “nun wakes up next to a seemingly endless sea of flab thinking…”
Silly, Cracka. I kill fatty landmasses. I’ve made quite a name for myself by ridding God’s Earth of chubbasauruses.
so, it should have read:
nun wakes up next to a seemingly endless sea of flab thinking, “ha! now that i’ve fucked all these fatties it’s time to asphyxiate them with the noxious fumes of my vaginal discharge!!”
Right, lavender. Much more in keeping with hillbilly…as opposed to mauve or wisteria. I can see the rebel flag in the back window, but in all the colors of the rainbow.
“chubbasauruses” has now permanently entered my lexicon. Hilarious.
Keep dreaming, Cracka.
i will keep dreaming, nun. the white man’s american dream that he shares with none other! DIE NONWHITE NONMALE NONSTRAIGHTS!!!! I AM THE MAN!!!
sorry, i get carried away sometimes. well, i have to go start an IV on a fatty. yes, nun, i will make it hurt a little extra.
Whta the crap ar you talking about uppity? You’ve gone off the white supremecist deep end. You should be a white triangle rather than a yellow circle.
Oh, great uppity is is a medical professional. I feel so much better about going to the hospital now.
Fuck the IV. Fatties need no IVs. Give fatty a cheeseburger and watch fatty cheer right up.
Yeah, wait. Isn’t the purpose of an IV for food?? Let the chubbasaurus just burn of fat reserves.
It’s all a front, Zeus. Cracka is really a black asian homo. This is the only way he can feel like a real person and not the doo-doo on the white man’s shoes that he really is.
Poor Cracka.
I assumed he was a homosexual transgender hispanic Samoan with a jerry curl.
don’t feel bad for me. i’ve got the world by the balls…or is that curtis? fuck you, curtis! you tricked me!!!
wouldn’t that be funny if i was a flaming blay-sian?! ooooooooooooooooh. funny funny funny.
where is the unpleasant jew when you need someone to say something offensive?
He’s everything that God hates. It’s why he pretends to be a white man. He should pretend to be a Jew but you know those homo black asians… not the sharpest tools in the shed.
There are a proportionately large number of blay-sian drag queens. Why is that??
Now there is a question: A straight drag queen with junk fully functional and in tact. Allowed in heavan?
Cracka said, “fuck you, curtis!”
THAT’S the whole idea, Cracka! Geez you’re slow sometimes. We should definitely go out “drinking” sometime and ride around in my pimped out, lavender, VW (with the rainbow rebel flag) and practice our show tunes.
Now, I’m going to go work out. It’s abs night.
stupid gays are so sneaky!! i hope God smites you into chubby baldness!!!
Hey Zeus, the fattest porkers at the nudie farm are your biggest followers! The rest of us are all blay-sian drag queens … we bow down to the Flying Spaghetti Monster … we’re Pastafarians, and we steer clear of queer swan men.
That reminds me: All you drag queens who haven’t started the surgery … don’t! God loves your dick.
Cracka, put that IV away and go watch the convention.
what does he mean by “drinking”?
Oh, that is the ultimate hell for the gays, chubby baldness, surrounded by nothing but other chubby baldies. In a large Motel 8 with bad decor and 250 thread-count sheets.
I always thought the fattest fatties worshipped the douche Baucus? Oh, and what does that look like – a bunch of flabby Pastafarians sitting around on their communal worn out couches watching the convention shouting “Spaghetti, bless the Dems!” Never mind I don’t want to know what that looks like.
Let the drag queens lop it off if that’s what floats their boat. It’s a free country (or at least it sort of was 8 years ago).
zeus sure knows a lot about queers. could it be because you are an ass fucking greek boy raper?!!!
i think maybe i should start an IV on myself…get the morphine drip going and THEN watch the convention.
Uppity, really?! “Dinking?!” I completely missed that. Did you have to put that visualization into my head? Thank God you are just bodiless circles and stars.
Jeez, you and Josh go with the gay label way too quickly for it to not be self-applicable. Just cause I know a few sterotypes. All you have to see is one episode of Will & Grace.
how can i be gay if i exhibit a constant homosexual panic that behaviorally manifests in the painfully transparent practice of projecting my feelings of self loathing onto others who openly practice gay sex? i mean, that doesn’t make any sense.
My couch is not worn out!!! My couch is SPOTLESS! How DARE you insult my couch! I wouldn’t even let GOD sit on my couch, on point of smiting!
Lay off my couch, Zeus. Have you seen your Parthenon lately? Covered with bird shit.
Sorry. I’m touchy about my upholstery.
Hey, I haven’t stayed in that crap shack for a 1000 years. “Perfectly proportioned,” my ass! It was never that great. Then the Turks blow it up and Brits steal half the building and the freakin’ pigeons…no I’m in a penthouse. Ok, well its a rowhouse but it’s still sweet. And good for you for keeping your nudist, Pastafarian butt clean.
What the hell happend to my avatar??!!!
“how can i be gay if i exhibit a constant homosexual panic that behaviorally manifests in the painfully transparent practice of projecting my feelings of self loathing onto others who openly practice gay sex? i mean, that doesn’t make any sense.”
I’d love to hear someone say about a member of the Westboro Bapstist Church.
that’s what happens when you fuck with people’s furniture, zeus.
Stupid Spaghetti Monster punished me.
God starts smiting you in little ways. first, it’s the avatars. then, it’s a hemorrhoid. keeps building from there. (yes, i did just want to show off my ability to spell hemorrhoid)
Spelling hemorrhoid takes practice. Hmmm, the practice of experience? And one hemorroid would be rather ruthless, as opposed to just hemorrhoids.
Everyone really is watching the convention. And I’m still at work. Crap. At least I’m being highly productive.
Pfft! I spit on the convention. Fuck politics. Just a bunch of bullshit anyway and we’re all kidding ourselves if we think there’s enough enlightened individuals in the U.S. that will vote for a black man.
God, I hope I’m wrong.
here’s one for you, nun: how many times has this happened to you?
friend of mine’s going down on a girl. it gets to the point that she’s enjoying herself (i guess that happens sometimes). things start get wetter down there. he comes up for air. apparently as he’s doing this he somehow breathes in from his mouth, not his nose, this leads to a little of that vaginal wetness finding its way into his windpipe. he has to stop to grab his throat and try to breathe, he can’t talk to tell her what’s happening. she’s fucking MORTIFIED. she’s asking him, “oh my god! is it me? is it THAT BAD?” of course, he can’t say anything. so she grabs her clothes and throws them on and runs out of his apartment never to be seen again.
i wonder what her version of the story sounds like?
Cracka,
I can honestly say that has never happened to me.
I’m having trouble understanding how a chick’s pussy juice(sorry, Curtis) is enough to choke somebody. Unless she’s one of those female ejaculators.
If it were me, I’d Wayne Bradyize it… ‘is my pussy gonna have to choke a bitch?” I don’t know if it’d be funny but it’d be worth a try.
i was with a girl once who ejaculated. it was crazy. right in my freakin’ eye. i got out of the way and she shot another “load” halfway across the room. ridiculous. it doesn’t take a lot of liquid down the windpipe to choke someone if you think about it, though.
Female ejaculation is freaky. I don’t think I’d want to be with a chick who shoots fluid at me, even if I was lesbo.
yeah, i’m not sure how i feel about it. on the one hand, i made a girl get off that hard…wow! on the other hand, she shot ‘gina juice into my eye…eeeww!
I’ve had it shoot in my eye before. What to know what cum feels like in your eye?? IT BUUUUUUURNS!!!
Ten dollars to anyone who can guess that movie line.
Oh yeah, . . . . gross.
GROSS? you put things in your poopshoot!!!
i’d guess but you won’t give me ten dollars either way.
Good night, Cracka. You make me laugh.
don’t let the bed bugs bite you in your frequently sodomized ass.
Lordy, not nearly enough times, Cracka. For all you know, I’m just a fat, balding old lonely homosexual with an incredible wit who hasn’t been sodomized (only in secret) in many moons and just drinks beer from a bottle while he watches old sad reruns of the Supremes on the Ed Sullivan Show while the cicadas chew up his garden on a warm August night.
But that would be pathetic, so of course it’s not true.
‘night.
what if my penis accidentially lands in another mans rectum, but is still fully functioning?
Nun, Cracka is the kind of freak who believes women have legs in order not to leave a trail like the snails.
shut up, karin!! you have legs for many reasons…not the least of which is to walk to the fridge to get me a beer!! stupid non-male!!!
confused christian-it’s only gay if your balls touch.
Woman! Get in here and make me a sandwich!
That’s the kind of guy that Cracka is.
my wife loves it! because i tell her to love it!
confused christian-if you don’t know his first name…it’s not gay.
You’re so lucky your wife doesn’t have a backbone.
she had a backbone, but i had to have it removed for her own good! women don’t know what’s best for themselves…cuz they’re dumb.
(off the record, she pretty much runs my life)
confused christian—here’s a tip: God can’t see through reinforced concrete, as in airport bathrooms or subway station bathrooms. if God don’t see it, it ain’t gay.
I know, Cracka. We joke but it’s really you that doesn’t have a backbone. You have my sympathies.
So… I feel dumb having to ask this but where is this blog in Portugese that they’re talking about on the other post?
yeah, she had my backboned removed for my own good.
portugese. don’t know. don’t read portugese.
Let me guess, she had your penis removed for your own good as well.
um…no…my penis is no threat to her if the backbone is missing, duh.
Nun, it’s on comment #224 of the other post.
And it’s Portuguese.
It’s OK, it’s not your fault. You’re a woman. Go get cracka a sandwich.
(And the strap-on dildo.)
Lucifer said: “And it’s Portuguese.”
So, it is. Are you Portuguese, Lucifer? If Lucifer was a mortal, that is.
And… thanks!!
“You are also not welcome in the House of the LORD if you have no penis”
I thought you already covered this on post #7, Women.
cooper!! it’s been a while since we told you to SHUT UP…
Neb,
You’re a jackass. Shut up. The fucking Chinese got LESS medals than the US, and thus, you fucking chink ass mofos STILL SUCK.
Squirting is gross.
Cracka, I now understand why you’re so pissy all the time.
God’s fury has weakened as of late, and it saddens me.
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/797965/a_bronx_network_admin_man_cuts_off.html?cat=60
Cooper,
How could you do that to yourself?!
crystal, dude, i’m pissy all the time because i’m an uppity cracker. we are self-righteous by nature. it’s what we DO. stupid ethnics.
Cooper,
I never said that women were not allowed in My Temple. Wrong. I need the parishioners. I just merely have a predisposition to dislike them intensely.
Furthermore, I was referring to men who have no penis. Like you. You are not welcome in My Temple.
Yeah, well… you should reserve judgement on His fury until you find out what He’s going to do to you for cutting off your penis, Cooper.
God donkey-punches some women and He told me that means that He really likes them. That should be proof enough that God can tolerate some females.
Cooper, if you’re an old-timer here, how come you got the ugliest avatar of all?
Speaking of avatars, Zeus, you gotta know that the Spaghetti Monster is the god du jour, and if you piss It off It’ll turn you into a worm, rip you in half, and leave you in a backyard full of hungry robins.
Same goes for God.
Cooper’s gravatar represents his true self.
I’m failing to see how cutting off one’s penis would please his girlfriend. I mean, come on! Naturally, she’d dump him now. What was this guy thinking?
It’s easy to understand if you try, Evangelist Curtis… Cooper isn’t all that bright.
Gross.
As to that news story Cooper posted – Cooper is a perfect example. He is a complete idiot – he cut off his penis thinking it would help him have sex with a woman. I will not tolerate such stupidity amongst My congregation.
I’m just not so sure I would date a guy who cut off his penis for me. I’d certainly think there could be one or two other issues as well. Poor Cooper. Ugly avitar, no girl, Cracka makes him shut up, and now no penis.
God,
I don’t live in the Bronx, you know that. Don’t you recall me asking you not to smite the Cubs this year? But I did ask you to smite Mayor Daly but instead you gave him a speaking spot at the DNC!
http://www.mudbomb.com
http://www.youtube.com/user/sxephil
poor cooper, ugly avatar, no penis, cubs fan, i make him shut up, the bears suck, God hates him, no girl will touch his ken doll spot and he smells funny.
I know this is a dumb question, but will the doctors be able to sew that dude’s dick back on? Assuming it wasn’t run over in the parking lot.
Who cares, Anne. God hates Frankenpenises and so do most bitches. He’ll only get the skanky hos that would have made his penis fall off anyway.
Nun,
If, hypothetically, Lucifer were a mortal, he would definitely rather be Portuguese than Spanish (idiots), French (smelly), Italian (faggots), German (fatty-fat-fucks), Dutch (pot-heads), Belgian (bland), Swiss (cowards), Greek (boy-lovers), Austrian (German-butt-kissers) or British (all of the above).
But I’m not mortal, so that doesn’t matter.
the belgians may be bland, but those trappist monks make some BADASS ales.
God, it sure is news to me that you won’t tolerate stupidity in your congregation. That sure doesn’t square with the facts as I see them.
Cooper,
what’s with those lame-ass links? have you fallen down to imaG status??
Lucifer,
Where’s the criticism for the Aussies, Canucks and Yanks?
What the hell has gone on here in the past 12 hours?!
1) Johnson, the Spaghetti Monster is not a threat. I would eat it as soon as it got close enough to attempt any smiting. Furthermore, it’s an insult to God and ipso facto me. Who would come up with such ridiculous attack on organized religion? Why not the Big Pie in the Sky or the Giant Brussell Sprout?
2) Cooper, why would you do that to your junk? Your junk is sacred and now you are condemned to hell even if they sewed it back on. No girl likes re-attached junk. John Wayne Bobbit had to reosrt to a career in Midget porno. No more nurses, just midget Porno. And thos links were stupid. What validity did they have? But go Cubs!
3) Uppity, you’re right, the Belgians make some wicked Beer and I should know. Luci should have known that too.
I have a feeling Luci likes the Yanks because most are the biggest freakin’ sinners even if claiming to be a Christian.
I hate Yanks… for the most part. I don’t think I’d mind too much if I lived in Oz, Ireland or the U.K..
yanks, eh? thing about america is that there are a few different versions of it. the yanks drinking the belgian ales at the independent theater showing of reefer madness before they hit the rock clubs…pretty cool. the yanks that are named bridgette…not so much.
Good point, Cracka. There are cool Yanks but there’s too many sheeple like Bridgette.
What American isn’t guilty of lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, wrath, envy, and/or pride. Jeez, the US is the gold medalist in each and every one of these. I say great. These aren’t sins to me. All convert to the worship of Zeus and ye shall be redeemed – well because I don’t belive in sins…as long as you give me sacrifical goats, wine, and virgins you’re good in my Book.
I blame all the American sheeple on Rupert Murdoch (stupid Aussie). Well, and the fluff on ABC, CBS, CNN, and NBC. The Naked News is pretty good.
Rupert Murdoch is a fucking demon masquerading as a man!!! Don’t fall for his evil tricks.
Luci, is that you with that hideous Rupert Murdoch mask on all the time. Damn it. First you push all the American media to the conservative right and get them all producing fluff pieces on Paris Hilton be cause of your lame Fox “News” station aka 24-hour long “A Current Affair,” then you buy crap in China and start ruining their…never mind they were already ruined. Well, then you buy the UK London Times and ruin that rag and the New York Post becomes more ass-wipish then it was before and the MySpace which is the bastion of on-line suckism and now the Wall Street Journal is a crap shack.
I told ya… demon masquerading as a man. There is no greater evil to mankind right now than Rupert Murdoch. He’s even worse than George W. but probably right on par with Cheney.
rupert murdoch is more evil than that atheist scumbag darwin!!!
And Darwin’s a stupid med school drop out that liked racing beetles as a kid. What an idtiot.
GOD,
I have a question. If you’re so big on penises, why the design flaws?
I keep telling the evil atheists you are an Intelligent Designer who can make a 747 out of a whirlwind in a junkyard–but they just point at my penis and ask why pee-pee comes out the pleasure spout. How do you answer that? And why did you make them hack of my foreskin…? And why do my balls hang down like piñatas waiting to be smashed with a hammer…? And why do I always crack a fat when I’m swimming with my Auntie…?
Please help me Lord
Yours
SMOGGY
Smoggy, God won’t answer you. He’s too busy comparing the length of his thingy with the newest god on the block, the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
http://www.venganza.org/
See that ORG, God? Nonprofit. Step a-fuckin-side.
Anne,
No one ever answered me . . . until you.
Would you like to be my God?
I do good obeisance.
SMOGGY
Johnson, you are sooo getting smiting. Smoggy, God punishes most mortals with foreskin removal because they annoy him with their stupid mortal crying as crappy ugly babies but since doctors do it you’ll be happy to know that they are all condemned to hell too. And as far as your chubbie while swimming with your aunt well your just seem like a guy that would do your own sisters so an aunt is not a stretch.
Get a lightning bolt up ya Zeus–I won’t be worshipping you anytime soon. My GodAnne will sort you out.
And when I’ve finished with my aunt and sisters I’ve got a threesome scheduled with Hera and a golden calf–you haven’t heard your missus sing yet have you?
Yours respectfully
SMOGGY
Smoggy,
In case you missed #25 (and the Ask God tab), He hates being pestered with questions all the time. That’s why He ignores you. I suggest you think hard about it, then get in line for ONE question at the end of the month.
Anne,
In case you missed #25, God already knows about the pasta with balls junk.
I’m the golden bull (somtimes a goose) you homo (no offense Curtis) and Hera has been shcking up with God. So your SOL there. Oh, and Johnson is a Pastafarian so if any silly wanna-be immortal comes after me it will be the Spaghetti Monster.
uppity,
who are you calling “ethnic”? i’m as white as the driven snow, beyatch.
hey, smoggy, thanks for coming around so that i have someone to tell to shut up besides neb.
so shut up.
Sigh…thanks for the heads-up Tony Snow, the curse of Newbeeism. Does God smite the ignorant and uninitiated or do we get a period of grace?
PS Have you met Grace? I hear she’s amazing?
Zeus, are you sure you’re reading your mythology right? I heard you were the GELDED bull. And Hera swings with the best of them–she says God’s not so great in the sack, just ask Mary!
Thanks for the welcome Crystal–shut up yourself
“PS Have you met Grace? I hear she’s amazing?”
Sigh.
smoggy-God usually goes straight to smiting. he’s not much into socratic method or positive reinforcement, but if he comes at you with his awesome tornado power like you’re some kind of faggot-ass boy scout you’ll probably learn your lesson. know what i’m sayin’?
crystal-any whitey who says beyatch gets dis-honorary ethnic status for the day.
also, newbies- “shut ups” are generally reserved for three people: cooper, neb/ben, josh. everyone else gets the FACE! treatment around here. but, if you must tell someone to shut up, please do it randomly and without provocation.
thank you.
Shut the fuck up you fuckin’ cracka!
Please note that profanity is cherished on God’s Divine Blog.
yes, had what nun did there been a spontaneous, profanity laden “shut up” it would have been perfectly appropriate for God’s Divine Blog. (note the capitalization, you don’t want to get smited for something as innocuous as a lower case g)
also, when FACE-ing nun, it’s advantageous to use the term “beef curtain”. for instance, hey nun here’s 3 quarters so you can go down to the self service car wash and pressure wash your fetid, wrinkly beef curtains, (usually followed by) you stankin’ ass ho!!
Gelded, golden who gives a rat’s ass!? It was Me humping virgins as a bull. Can you get more freakin’ awesome than that?! And siding with the BVM over God’s ability in the sack sends you cruisin’ for a smiting. But the BVM is a saucy minx.
My vajayjay smells like a field of spring flowers. Cracka’s just jealous because he hasn’t been able to get any of my sweet precious.
uppity,
i live in san francisco. the term “beyatch” is not used by people that are “ethnic” here, thus my “ethnic” status today is totally invalid and i request that it be revoked.
additionally, don’t say nasty things about nun. please. she is a blessing to have on this blog.
and back to the subject of penises, God, why couldn’t you have made them already ridged? not that i have too many complaints, but damn, that would have been so nice. oh well, probably more proof that you hate women.
Crystal,
Cracka always says nasty things about me. Every night I go home and sob into my pillow, “oh why can’t Cracka be nice to me??”. Fuckin’ cracka!
nun’s friend crystal,
everyone on this blog is ethnic except for me, the cracka. if you are ashamed of your pretend ethnic background then you better go cry in the shower. also, everyone has had a piece of nun’s so called precious; she just doesn’t remember because i roofied her ass before i tapped it.
you’re right, zeus, i never realized how awesome you used to be until now. too bad you’ve become the al bundy of deities. “remember back when i was kicking ass…?”
what a douche. stupid cracka. silly repressed, probably hiding in the closet and thus resentful and so he takes it out on women, cracka
White people do like the off the cuff hip-hop reference: http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/08/18/107-self-aware-hip-hop-references/
And Nun’s vajayjay does smell sweet although it was difficult to detect as a Tim Curry sex doll.
Hey, I haven’t started sell shoes…yet.
.
forgot my punctuation.
additionally, cracka, more proof of your inadequacy: you had to roofie nun? i mean, we all know nun has a voracious libido, and if you had to roofie her, that really doesn’t speak well of you, dear.
i think you’re taking my character a little personally here. of course my stupid cracker ass roofied her, i’m a cracker.
“why couldn’t you have made them already ridged?”
Crystal, could you imagine all men walking around with schlong alreayd turgid. Crap, we’d be knockin’ stuff over, breaking glasses, spilling wine, and that’s not to mention the tailoring costs and how ridiculous would pants look. Nice idea though.
Your Friend Crystal said: “additionally, cracka, more proof of your inadequacy: you had to roofie nun? i mean, we all know nun has a voracious libido, and if you had to roofie her, that really doesn’t speak well of you, dear.”
THANK YOU!! I keep trying to explain to him that he should not be proud of that but he’s a cracka, you can’t teach a cracka nothin’.
Zeus said: “And Nun’s vajayjay does smell sweet although it was difficult to detect as a Tim Curry sex doll.”
Indeed. I think you did okay when you took the form of Johnny Depp though… once you got past the smell of your own b.o.. Why do all the hotties smell like b.o.??
if i’m so dumb, how come i own everything?
It’s the voracious hormones pumping through our ripped bods.
Cuz a white man always got to keep a brother down!!
Fucking crackas.
Zeus said: “It’s the voracious hormones pumping through our ripped bods.”
God, I’m so fucking horny for you right now.
Crystal,
In case too much seriousness was paid to Cracka… he has never offended me. Only one person here has ever actually come close to the point of pissing me off and he doesn’t post very often anymore.
When I’m new on a site I don’t read past posts. I’m the Goddess Anne, I can do whatever the hell I want. Go ahead, worship me. I hope you’ve got money, cuz I’m like every other deity — I don’t cum cheap.
Wait you’re so horny for God or Zeus. You rellay gotta be careful on God’s blog. If it’s me I’d be willing to swing by as McConaughey this evening even though he is a shuck (post- Dased and Confused) or a golden bull. Your choice. No more plastic dolls though.
I’ve got money Goddess Anne — I’d never worship a cheap deity.
johnson,
you’re only a god in smoggy’s world, and he’s a crackhead (the proof is in the avatar).
nun,
i know cracka doesn’t really mean it. but i do so love poking fun at him.
zeus,
let’s go “drinking”!
Goddess Anne, I’m praying you smite Zeus. A red hot poker up his bottom might settle him.
I’m also praying you have time to deal to Their Friend Crystal–only one of my heads is a crackhead.
“Drinking” or drinking either way I’m down.
Smoggy,
You have a crack in your head. Jeezus that is nasty. I have a peehole and a cum ejector but no cracks. That is a real problem you should have Cracker look at that. He is a health care professional.
smoggy worships fat old pagan nudists that worship the FSM. what a freak.
Crystal you have now called me a crackhead and a freak.
You must really like me.
Wanna join my religion? I could put in a good word for you with Goddess Anne…
Wow, smoggy worshiping someone who worships nothing. That’s just like the followers of Kierkegaard. At least Kierkegaard wasn’t a nudist.
I only worship gods whose names I can spell.
no thanks, smoggy, i’ll stick to good ole fashioned non-religious-ness, thank you very much.
hey smoggy,
add “illiterate dipshit” to the list of things you are.
“i’ll stick to good ole fashioned non-religious-ness, thank you very much”
That’s the advantage of worshiping a god who worships nothing–you get to have it both ways
(smoggy sits back and waits for the inevitable ‘both ways’ jokes)
“add “illiterate dipshit” to the list of things you are.”
I would if I could spell it.
Smoggy, Soren Kierkegaard – one of the most historically significant fathers of modern thought, exestentialist pholosopher…jeesh, read a book: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/S%C3%B8ren_Kierkegaard
You don’t get the “both ways” jokes if you’re the first one to point it out you bi-freak.
‘jeesh, read a book’
There’s only ONE book–ask GOD
I wonder if god hates all philosophers? I sure hated Socrates and Plato those sophmoric nimrods. Stupid “shadows in cave” concept.
No, he has The Book. There are more books, just not as good.
Don’t forget The Gospel, The Book of Common Prayer, and that stupid Book of Morman.
Anyway Zeus, when did you read Kierkegaard? Before, during or after you reamed Ganymede?
And the Kama Sutra–did God do the Kama Sutra?
Ganymede sucks! It is only about 4 paragraphs long and is best read in old German – which is a stupid language. The fuck-tard called me Oden. What a stupid name. And the Kama Sutra I’m pretty sure was written by Ganesh. Any god with a trunk for a nose and junk had to have written that.
Zeus said: “Wait you’re so horny for God or Zeus.”
Zeus, I quoted you so it would be safe to assume that I was so horny for you at that very moment. As for the McConaughey or Golden Bull option… can’t we go with both? I see no reason to limit ourselves.
Oh… HAHA… sorry, Zeus… I just realized why you might have been confused. I wasn’t addressing God… merely thinking about what I would say when we go out “drinking”.
Hey, wait a minute, I was supposed to get McConaughey! But if it’s Zeus in disguise, no thank you. Honey, do you know where that thang has BEEN?
“fat old pagan nudists that worship the FSM. what a freak”
So many misconceptions, so little time! I, Goddess Annie, am not fat. There are plenty of pictures of Anne Johnson on the Internet if you don’t believe me.
I’m not old, either. If I’m a mortal and still alive, I’m not as old as you, Zeus … you relic.
I’m not a nudist. Like all deities, my girlish figure can be had, but for a price. In private.
I don’t worship the FSM, except to say that he looks better on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel than that old geezer God. (Adam, on the other hand, is H-O-T. You can tell Michelangelo was gay.)
That leaves “pagan” and “freak.” Guilty as charged.
God and Zeus wouldn’t dare challenge me to a smite-down. I live in Frederick, Maryland … and I know people there.
Hey Nun–you sighing at me? Take this…
http://www.jibjab.com/view/154335
Are there are a special breed of god-killers in Frederick, Maryland that assist you with god smite-downs? For myself, I’ve found that sex works better than violence.
Dude!! I know Amazing Grace better than that guy.
Yeah, forget what I said about Frederick. I’ve never been there, ever. But I do know Tim Curry … and you’re right … God smites, Goddess Annie rewards. Let the games begin.
Nun, I hope you know your way to the door better than that guy. If not, surrender the car keys now, and no one will get hurt.
Goddess Annie
– just being able to worship in your presence is all the reward I need.
(but if you’re feeling benevolent, that thing you do with the two gherkins and the cattle-prod might make me double my tithe)
your humble servant
Smoggy
Cattle prods are Zeus toys. And I prefer dill.
Hey Smoggy, my devoted servant: How did you get that name, “Smoggy?” Do you live in China?
*already in on the jokes at this site…*
Well, I think God and Zeus should both smite you for your ostentatiousness. That’s what I would do but I’d be a mean and spiteful goddess so maybe you’ll get lucky.
And I think the gherkins were for Smoggy, that was just my take on it.
gherkins … dill, I don’t mind I swing all ways when it comes to pickles
As for Smoggy … it’s a long and sad story. Briefly, Mama Batzrubble, who was Polish, died shortly after giving birth to me. Her last words were “Call…the…child…Smok…eeeee”. Yes, you read it right, she wanted to name her little boy ‘Smok’–which everyone knows is Polish for ‘Dragon’. Everyone except thick-as-shit Papa Batzrubble, who thought her death rattle was the end of a sentence and named me Smoggy. Anyway, he got his, but that’s another story.
I dared God to smite me but he said he wouldn’t. I guess he’s too busy looking at dicks.
Maybe he subcontracts that to Gay-briel.
Anne,
God doesn’t smite those who ask for it, as that would be not proactive or effective. And he’ll hit you when you least expect it. Bad case of gas? Random case of ass-acne (which I imagine would be super nasty in your living situation)? Shitty sex?
Guess who that is? Sure as hell ain’t the FSM.
Do you think GOD lets a man into his House who sucks his own penis?
I’m talking about a dude with a massive rod—or one who is unnaturally flexible—not a sicko Bobbit type who hacks his own weenie off. We already know they don’t get it.
You’re an odd little person, Batzrubble.
Yes, that was the second-to-last thing Mama Batzrubble said before she shuffled off her mortal coil.
Wow! That’s pretty cool considering you were a newborn. I wonder if she saw your life flash before her eyes instead of her own. I’ll bet she was really confused at first.
And how come you call me odd? I’m not the one who said:
“A man whose testicles have been crushed, or whose penis has been cut off, must not be admitted to the congregation of Yahweh.”
I was just after a little clarification. The Almighty seems to have an obsession with what we do with our fleshy bits.
I’m sure my Goddess Annie is much more tolerant of partial members.
“That’s pretty cool considering you were a newborn”
Papa Batzrubble told me she said it. It was his favorite saying.
Jesus? Jesus! You never called last night! You promised me you’d let me finally give you a Dirty Sanchez! Hmph! Maybe I’ll have to seek out that bucking stud of yours, John…
The answer to all the questions you directed at me while I was absent last evening is yes. Except the one where you asked in what ways I despise Aussies, Canucks and Yanks. The answer to that, of course, is simple. Aussies are OK as long as they stay in Aussieland. Yanks are the epitome of Evil and they take up most of the living quarters in Hell. It’s a good place to visit and collect souls, but I’m sick and tired of the people. As for Canucks, I will refrain from commenting, seeing as if I were mortal, which I am not, my hypothetical wife would be Canadian. PS: I love you, dear.
Haha!! If Lucifer was mortal, he’d be pussy-whipped.
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