Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Greetings, My humble human readers. Today I will take a break from My Hatred Therapy because, well, I just can’t hate on anything right now. I’m feeling positively providential this week.
My continuous smiting of Asians, Africans and Atheists is going splendidly, and I am happy to report that those heathen bastards are dying off in record numbers! Also, I saw this:
Trumpet blasts to Jesus: ‘We’re awake’ on Earth
According to the story, there will be thousands (if not millions) of My Followers who will honor Me by blowing on giant goat horns at dawn! This is The Lord’s very favorite kind of music! And using the Ancient Ways is a nice touch – this pleases Me greatly. I can only assume that they will also be sacrificing some virgins, goats, and enemy slaves in My Honor as well. And, of course, their leader will prove his faithfulness to Me through self-immolation (so I know he’s not just seeking personal glory).
This will be a wonderful event. However, it really irks Me that they always seem to market these things as a way to praise Jesus. Why does he always receive all the honor and glory? He wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for Me. Well, he is Me, and I am him. But still, you know what I mean. People never pay homage to Me, God the Father, anymore. It’s almost like they’re ashamed of Me or something.
Well, all I know (besides everything), is that if they hope to keep their lives, they had damn well better practice their goat-horn playing. Because they suck.
Ah well. I’m looking forward to some special worship regardless. And I wish to commend Pastor Mark for starting this. As My super-cool follower Trevia Jimenez of Brooklyn said, “You go, Pastor Mark!” Go and light yourself on fire.
Many blessings go to Saint Onan for sending Me this link.
They use Jeebus because if they pray directly to you lord then they could be mistaken for muslims!
God,
I can understand why people are shunning you and going for the Son instead. Worshipping you could be a real risk as has happened to this poor man:
” A man says he was so consumed by the spirit of God that he fell and hit his head while worshipping.
Now he wants Lakewind Church to pay $2.5 million for medical bills, lost income, and pain and suffering.”
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,379881,00.html
God,
I have a question. While reading further into this story at the link You provided, I noticed that there was an ad to artery-plaque-reversing pills, claiming “This Report Could SAVE YOUR LIFE”. This ad, presumably, is targeted at the 92% of Americans who are both fat-asses and believe in a Higher Power. But here’s my problem and question: if they really believed in You that much, wouldn’t they trust YOU would save their lives, instead of some punk-ass drug? Isn’t this a bit like the Pope-mobile issue, deservingly a part of Your hate-list? The message this sends out, if You ask me, is that Americans are fat-ass cholesterol-filled atheist time bombs first, and if-all-else-fails God-worshippers second.
I don’t see what the problem is. Sounds like a fun way to praise Jesus.
If you’re into the whole “praise Jesus” thing…
I think this blog has already changed Bridgette a lot. I wonder what a few more weeks will do!
they may be nuts, but who says christians can’t have a good time?
i like how they worded it, a trumpet blast to get God’s attention. like he’s up there plating his xbox. what the hell is that?! holy crap!! it’s the humans, i wonder what they’re up to?!!
The funny thing, Cracka, is that that’s exactly the way it usually goes down.
Holy jesus h. christ, a friday post! it’s a miracle! god got his lazy ass out of bed on a friday!
judas, always finding fault in others. just confront your OWN demons already, you’re driving everyone nuts!!
Another week almost done.
God, Do You and Jesus work harder on the weekends?
“jesus h. christ”?
What does the ‘H’ stand for?
Hillary
OK, why can’t we have a single blog entry that doesn’t end up with some side remark to Jesus’s (homo)sexuality? Grow up, people.
Lucifer…pot..kettle…black.
And cut it with the racist remarks, please.
yeah, if anyone’s going to say anything racist around here it’s me or God!
i don’t see the harm in helping jesus out of the closet…it would be good for him. liberating, you know?
nun must be applying a soothing salve to her mrs. vajayjay this morning
Cracka, there’s no harm in gently nudging Jesus out of the closet, but smoking it out with trumpet blasts? That’s cruel and unusual. When was the last time you saw a trumpet on Broadway?
um…i guess never.
Cracka,
My vajayjay is not married, thank you very much. And yes, I did need to apply a soothing salve to my poor mistreated vajayjay. I was deeply hurt and offended by all you athiest a-holes. I hope God smites the holy hell out of all y’all!!
Except for Lucifer… I love him and his boxed cock.
On another note… I can’t wait to Blow for God!! That’s what I’m going to call it too… Blow for God!!
put it in your mouth and give it all you got!
That’s the best way to Blow for God.
” When was the last time you saw a trumpet on Broadway?”
At the last Music Man revival. Or maybe Spamalot.
Blow for Jesus, Nun. For Jesus. God doesn’t blow. Jesus is the one (reportedly) swinging that way.
But God was saying that nobody shows Him any love. So screw Jesus, I’m going to Blow for God.
“put it in your mouth and give it all you got!”
But, can she take all I got?
Keep in mind who you’re talking about here, Yo Yo.
Luci – do you and your pal Jesus see many broadway shows? It would explain alot…
Bubba, watch out; there’s a thing stuck up your ass.
Lucifer, heh, my bad, this is Nun, after all!
Time to surf YouTube for awhile, I’m looking for sexy videos of Sarah Chalke (from Scrubs). Hooo-eee!
Who cares, Yo Yo? I’m Blowing for God, not you.
so, i was thinking…
if heaven is some place on a physical plane out in space, in order to have God actually hear the horns they would have to be insanely loud or broadcast on radio waves. either way, it’s going to take millions of years to get there, given that we haven’t found heaven yet and we’ve been looking out there, too. if heaven exists in a different parallel dimension or something totally reasonable like that then the horns aren’t exactly going to travel through a wormhole or anything. hmmm…i guess it would seem like these christian people haven’t exactly thought this through. which is unusual, given their tedious attention to the minutiae of facts.
God, is there a certain type of horn that gets your attention above all others?
I’m recovering today. I saw some rough-looking dudes outside a bar last night. They looked at me and growled to ‘stay the f*ck away from them, they were in a badass bike club.’
So I asked, ‘Bike club? Huffy, or Schwinn?’
Then I ran for my life!
God may not hear the horns up there in Heaven, but he’ll read about it on MSNBC News. That’s what’s important.
Does God have cable or DSL to provide his Internet? And what do you do in Hell? Dialup? HughesNet?
God is in the internet. It’s kind of creepy actually. Every time I watch internet porn, I know that God is there.
Hell, Inc. holds controlling interest of the Internet. Every time you run a search, click a link, or even if you just stare at computer screen with the intention of logging in, I make money. It started out as a front, but nowadays it’s better than immortal-soul-harvesting.
i wonder if we should have a harmonica sound off for God. maybe kazoos? how about those party sounders? or we could all just coordinate to hang out of our windows and yell, “hey, God, we’re down here!!” that’ll get his attention.
tonight at midnight eastern time. who’s in?
Lucifer, ah-HA! So Hell, Inc. is the reason why I haven’t done anything today?
How come you let God have a blog on the Internet? Isn’t it counter-productive?
This constant need for validation is really getting irksome. For a being that is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-present, you’re a real narcissist.
uppity cracka, this sounds like the plot for “Horton Hears a Who”.
I misread the theatre marquee, I thought I was seeing “Horton Hears TheWho”. I kept flicking my lighter and yelling, “Where’s Townshend? Play ‘A Man in a Purple Dress!’ “
Yo Yo-
You answered your own question. Just as happens with you, each hour spent by God on the internet is an hour when He’s not busting my chops or sending Neverending Love towards His Creation or whatever.
Inmate – DUDE why do you think on the 7th day he rested… Needed a little me time, wanted to sleep in, spend hours staring at himself in the mirror, popping pimples, and wondering what he would look like with a facelift and botox.
When that harlot sang the song that goes something like “You’re so vain you probably think this song is about you”. God knew it was definitely about him.
Many apologies to all you Hell-Boy fans out there and my remark that is was a piece of shit. It seems you might not be disappointed. As for me, my brother has made me watch the first Hell-Boy more than I care to remember… hence my deep hatred of the franchise.
http://movies.msn.com/movies/movie-critic-reviews/hellboy-ii-the-golden-army/
inmate1972,
you’re stating the obvious, perhaps you didn’t read God’s original blog: the bible. It’s very me, me me.
Josh
Dang – another hour staring at the computer. How did people not get things done in the old days?
Lucifer, God must have busted your chops a lot more before the Internet. Or did He knit, or collect toad eggs?
Windows. Hell, Inc. holds controlling interest on windows as well. Not the software, but actual windows. Do not underestimate the time-wasting power of simply looking through a window and spacing out.
I thought God’s hobbies were smiting and sex.
You mean that MS Windoze is actually manmade? I really believed it was the result of one of the best evil spells ever concocted against mankind in general, as in Stalin waking up one day and damning planet earth forever or something, and God actually listened.
I didn’t say it wasn’t.
Lou-
You jibber jabber waaay to much.
-J
he’s been practicing for like 10,000 years. he invented lawyers, too. you should hear him defend tobacco companies…it’s enough to make you start smoking.
Shut the fuck up Moke. I’ll smite you up ur ass while you’re blinkin an eye. Don’t mess up with me, I’m worse than Lucy Sissy.
That’s impossible, cracka, the world only has 6008 years. Com’on. Go back to school, you disgraceful atheist.
well, maybe he sat around for 3092 years waiting for a world to torment.
why you threatening to smite people? is it that latin macho thing?
Latinos pronounce it “smeeting”.
shut uppa you face, cooper.
Luis has delusions of grandeur.
deluciones grande
i don’t even know if that’s right. i took german.
german is that code for a colon cowboy?
Josh-You suppose that’s why he struck down the second after the second book?
cooper…now you’re just being ridiculous. this is why people keep telling you to shut up.
Macho Latino, persupuesto. Have you seen Scarface? Ok, I’m worse than that guy. So, fuck off, one-eyebrow cracker.
my avatar has one eyebrow. i’m actually pretty handsome. unless women just tell me that so they can have my money…hmm??? God, am i good looking?
yours is a triangle with down syndrome. so, i don’t know if you want to go there.
German being code for a colon cowboy is beyond ridiculous. It’s stupid.
You have money, Cracka? Have I told you how handsome you are?
56 Luis Dias
Shut the fuck up Moke. I’ll smite you up ur ass while you’re blinkin an eye. Don’t mess up with me, I’m worse than Lucy Sissy.
Dias… i was talking about Lucifer… oh and nobody cares about you or how you smite guys up their ass, other then God who happens not to enjoy having his mortals partake in such activities.
you’re my favorite slut ever, nun.
Coolness. Where’s my money?
Moke, consider yourself dead.
oh, yeah…i’m broke.
i guess i played you, huh?
Buddy, do you even make any sense?
*meant for Dias
We know, J-Moke and no, he doesn’t make sense.
That’s it Cracka, I don’t like being played… you’re goin down!!
there she goes again. crazy ho.
Nun,
Cracka said you’re his favorite slut. Sluts don’t get money, whores do. And this whole blog is ridiculous but it’s entertaining. On that note, I’ll shut myself up and enjoy my vacation time.
shut up and go on vacation you stupid cooper.
he’s got a point though.
I’m a woman, don’t expect me to make sense. Just give me all your God Damned money!!
In theory, a bloodvark snout is perfect for horn blowing. It’s pretty much a horn to begin with, but it’s largely occupied by its enormous blood slurping tongue.
In practice, it sounds more like *phllltttltlsslupp*.
But from what I hear, that’s also the noise of Nun’s legs closing.
Lucifer,
Did you actually invent the internet? If so, does that mean you are actually Al Gore?
if al gore is the devil i would seriously freak right the crap out.
is that the same sounds as nun’s legs opening? like peeling apart a grilled cheese sandwich…only not so delicious.
Hey!! That’s a good sound!!
Nun said: “you’re goin down!! ”
Wait, I thought you went – oh, never mind.
Think “Grilled Cheese.”
Dude. That’s just nasty.
NEWSFLASH:
IT IS 4:15 AT MY OFFICE AND SINCE 3:00 I HAVE BEEN DRINKING WHISKEY.
God thank you for employing me at a location full of drunks that provide me with an open bar whilst making my websites, and thank you for Whiskey. IT REALLY DOES HELP.
damn you, bubba! i work in a clinic, apparently they want us to be sober when we start IVs in babies and crap like that. it sucks!! how do i get one of these drunk jobs?
it is nasty, thank you.
plus they keep a re-e-e-e-eally close eye on the morphine.
Fuck you, Bubba and your rubbing in of your drunkenness.
Get back at him by rubbing a bloodvark’s belly.
Just your belly?
nun already got him by sleeping with everyone but him. a nice belly rub is just salt in the wound.
Did we sleep together, Cracka? I don’t remember that. Maybe you should work on your technique so chicks will remember that you banged them.
yeah, i guess being poor and handsome only goes so far. maybe i should take some advice from lucifer and buy some “accessories”
Maybe if you’d given me money (just because and not for the sex cuz that would make me a whore) I’d remember it better. Lucifer’s boxed cock would help too.
Why the fuck should I make sense in a senseless blog, you retard? That doesn’t make any sense at all!!!
Hjorrdis,
Neither I nor Al Gore invented the Internet. We just both took advantage of it having been invented and went from there.