Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this entry, I would like to talk about My Newfound Hatred for the boy scouts.
You see, I used to love them…but now I have to kill them. The scouts used to love and honor Me, but I have decided that they are now nothing but a coven of blasphemous, science-loving tree-fairies.
I just happened to be surfing the internets last week and stumble upon their Wikipedia page, where I learned some things that made Me quite angry. For one, did you know they no longer encourage scouts to practice their tomahawk-throwing skills on kids with down syndrome? It’s true! And did you also know that women are now allowed to be scout leaders?! Seriously human, when I heard that, I came this close to tossing the Chief Scout Executive off a cliff.
However, as you are well aware, I am a loving God, and so I took mercy on him.
I decided instead to show My Displeasure by using My Awesome Tornado Power to kill several hundred boy scouts while they were out camping.
Boom! Kapow! How ya like Me now?!
Ok, ok. I may have exaggerated a bit just then. By My count (don’t trust the media) I only killed like 50. But whatever, any way you slice it I’m still off to a great start.
Let this serve as a warning to you, Boy Scouts of America. You sowed the wind, and now you reap the whirlwind. You have sinned against Me, and so I will continue to smite you until you have filled My List of Ten Demandments:
1. No women scout leaders.
2. Find one way to tie a knot and stick with it. Your pompous pride in your ability to tie silly knots infuriates Me.
3. Eliminate all the merit badges related to science. This includes the merit badges for: chemistry, computers, electricity, electronics, energy, nuclear science, and space exploration.
4. There will be several new badges related to serving Me: worship, devotion, faith, tithing, indignation, baptizing, smiting, etc.
5. Eliminate the merit badge for critical thinking and dismember any scout who already has this badge.
6. Scouts are no longer allowed to show up in court dressed in their uniform.
7. Change the uniforms. You look like nerds and idiots at the same time, and that’s not an easy look to achieve.
8. Scouts must believe in Me, and only Me. (Yahweh)
9. Cookies and punch must be served at the end of every meeting.
10. BE MORE RACIST!
I feel extremely passionate about all of My Ten Demandments, and will continue to smite boy scouts until they are all met. However, My most important demandment is that the Boy Scouts of America become a great deal more racist. They’re not nearly prejudiced enough.
Oh sure, the BSA still excludes atheist scum, agnostic cowards and anal lovers from joining their ranks. But that doesn’t impress Me. Everyone excludes them.
I mean, they used to be so much more racist! It was great. Why, I remember a time not that long ago when being a boy scout required you to have white skin and plump, rosy red cheeks. Man, those were the days. I’m telling you, back then, they didn’t even allow spaghetti-eating wops.
Nowadays though, they’ll let anybody in. All they have to do is (claim to) believe in a God of some kind. They don’t even have to believe in Me! How dare they?!
Well, they will learn to respect Me, the Lord God Almighty, or they will suffer the consequences. They will meet my list of demandments or they will die.
Be prepared is the boy scout motto…HA! There is no preparing for ME boy scum!
I guess scout’s honor means nothing. Damn you neighbor’s kid you better stain my deck after giving you an advance while you went camping.
“My beard is scratchy Canteen Boy but it gives good back rubs”
http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/a3f356b587
It’s worse here in the Philippines; they’ve allowed girls to officially take up ranks in the boy scouts… that doesn’t even count the girl scouts.
everything is worse in the philippines.
Who knew God could be so offensive?
Girls in the Boy Scouts? Do they share tents? Or do the Scout Leaders make them sleep in the leader’s tents?
uppity – have you read the old testament? ha…i notice he took out most of the slurs though…i guess degos is ok
lol…this one was funny as fuck. good job God!
What does Bridgette think about the Scouts?
Speaking of Scouts, I had a great date with Mary Jo Bleever. She put on her her old Girl Scout uniform and I demonstrated my knot-tying techniques.
We also practiced the Eight Basic Skills:
Outdoor Manners
Dressing for the Outdoors
Knots
Knives
Fires
Outdoor Cooking
First Aid
Protecting the Environment
Special Times, Special Times
you should have practiced being funny.
ooooohhh snap!
Thanks for yo’ witty reply cracked.
the unpleasant jew hasn’t been around for a while. someone has to be unpleasant in here.
“that doesn’t impress me. everyone excludes them.”
hahaha
waaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy to long.
and even though i didn’t read it due to it’s length, i’m proclaiming it unfunny anyway.
so take that!
that was very bridgette-like of you, jew…making a proclomation like that without having any information. God must be proud of you.
Hmmmm…… Unpleasant Jew? More like Uneducated, judging by their innability to read a few paragraphs.
snore. boy scouts are gay. everyone knows that. snore.
LD, you’re talking in your sleep.
if you knew anything, uppity fagga, you’d know i’m the king of blog length.
and you, D Spew, “their” is a plural term and i am obviously a single person. who’s uneducated now?
FACE!
Really? I thought you were a collection of aborted babies that suffered from Down’s syndrom. My bad. Aborted fetus’ probably come up with better come backs. And yes, that –>
is indeed a face. Thank you for the clarification.
yeah! yeah! push it to the limit!
Stop it, all of you, before God wakes up grumpy and smites us!
God, what do you think of Communists? They deny Your existence, but you don’t do anything to them.
sure he does. he makes them asian.
Or is the plural feti?
It’s either feti or fetuses, but it certainly isn’t fetis’.
What you got there see, is one of them there possessives.
weeeeeeellllllll, if you want it to be possessive it’s just I-T-S, if you want it to be a contraction, then it’s I-T-apostrophe-S.
scalawag.
“he makes them asian.”
That explains the one billion bad drivers on the road.
now, if i were a “fagga” i wouldn’t be offended by you pointing it out. if i were not a “fagga”, your insult wouldn’t apply. so, either way, it’s (I T APOSTROPHE S) a dumb thing to say. it’s like me calling you a jew. you big-nosed freakin’ jew.
well now you’ve gone too far
If you were a fagga, you would get offended by his terminology and would try to get his radio show pulled off the air.
I’ve proved God does not exist. I spent the afternoon running around on a hilltop in a thunderstorm wearing wet copper armour, waving a 6-iron and shouting ‘All gods are bastards’.”
I wasn’t struck once.
Of course, not even God can hit a 6-iron.
Huh…I assumed you were referring to all other gods…I’m going to go ahead and assume you weren’t talking about Me. For your sake.
And that’s not exactly true. A 6-iron is difficult to hit, yes, but I can do it.
i was golfing yesterday and the 6-iron was my club of choice.
seriously.
If girls are joining the boy scouts, what’s going to happen with the brownies or the girls scouts? Greedy bitches. This is how the WNBA got started.
you’re all right. about everything. and i did go too far. somebody blaspheme so bridgette shows up to liven the place up a bit. nevermind, i’ll do it: GOD FUCKING DAMN IT GOD DOESN’T EXIST!!!!!!
God’s gonna smite your ass, Cracka.
nah. we got a deal worked out. we keep the minorities in line, he lets us fudge on the commandments here and there.
Are you kidding me? Whoever wrote this blog is the biggest idiot on the planet and has OBVIOUSLY never read the Bible or else they would know that God loves everyone and racism pisses Him off. The author would also know that this list of Demadments is ridiculous and God would not agree with any of it–He gave us minds so we can think and reason and discover things and that is where science comes from and science is not evil. You obviously have too much time on your hands.
Too bad God didn’t give Mandy a sense of humor.
God, what’s Your handicap? Have You ever golfed with Kim Jong-Il of N. Korea? He got 11 holes in one in a row, his first time out.
I thought Lucifer was the one that handed out the sense of humor.
funny, mandy doesn’t have a fat girls name, but she’s still as dumb as bridgette. by the transitive property one can assume that fatness and the inability to grasp irony do not go hand in hand.
“list of demandments”
Well, while Bridgette is a fatty’s name, Mandy is a cunt’s name. They drive around in vans and look for things to get offended by to bring the attention on them. That’s why she’s read every single one of these entries so far.
Also, God is racist against Egyptians. What if you didn’t get the memo to paint lambs blood above your door? God didn’t care because you were a stinky Egyptian.
Cooper,
Lucifer is responsible for drugs, rock and roll(and now hip-hop), demon diseases and nasty, perverted fetishes. Any sense of humor supplied by Lucifer should be immediately discarded. Trust me, it will only cause you problems.
I concur. Mandy is most definitely a cunt name.
Whew, I’m so glad God didn’t give me a cunt name or make me fat.
I really don’t think I’m humor impaired, but I found this post simply offensive.
People who learned how to save lives in Scouting are all around you. If you ever get struck by a tornado, may you have a Scout nearby to help out.
This post is much worse than Sharon Stone’s gaffe about the China earthquake, and in much worse taste.
Hmm. Is Mandy really Bridgette in disguise?
I agree wholeheartedly. Thankyou Ed and Mandy. Finally, some people to back up what I’ve been saying all along. The writer of this blog is wicked and laughing at the tragic death of 4 young boys is pure evil. You should all be ashamed of yourself!
“He that blasphemeth the name of the LORD, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him.” — Leviticus 24:16
Bridgette and Mandy,
If you’re on this site, aren’t you inevitably part of the “problem”?
“So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.” John 8:7
Mandy,
How dare you question My Authority?! You’re the biggest idiot in the world! And you obviously have never read My Book. I make it very clear there that I hate plenty of people, races and cultures and I can hate as much as I damn well please.
As punishment for your insolence, you will die an excruciatingly painful death when a pack of suburban, domesticated (but still wild) dogs tears you limb from limb in full view of your friends and neighbors.
Ed Darrell,
If you ever get stuck in a tornado, having a scout nearby will not help you, moron. Witness what I did last week.
As punishment for your insolence, you will be sucked up into a tornado and killed alongside the boy scout next to you.
Ooooo, someone obviously woke up on the wrong side of the world this morning. Cranky, cranky…
God doesn’t sleep he is too busy smiting. Be careful what you say, we all know what happened to Dick Franing.
It’s like the ‘Helsinki episode of 1919, and I think we all remember how THAT turned out!’
God, forgive me for being a little OT here, but which do you prefer: Mac or Windows? Thoughts on Vista? (Maybe you like Linux.)
Dean! Whatsup buddy? Good to see you. Have I ever mentioned that I love your picture? It’s great.
Anyway, Macs are better, but I prefer using Windows, as the pretentious, pride and vanity of Mac users makes Me furious.
However, I will say that Vista sucks major donkey-dick. I’m not sure how every iteration just seems to get worse, but it does. As such, I may have to switch to Mac and become one of those mac-loving douche-fags.
Now, get back on topic!
The boy scouts have not even responded to My Demandments yet.
They are sowing so much fricking wind right now it’s ridiculous.
How many boy scouts have to be smoten before you bow to My Whims, National Council? I have plenty more tornadoes where that last one came from!
While I do commend you for hating the giant shit stain known as the boys scouts (I know a couple of people who were in the Boy Scouts of Australia and are now cooler since they’ve left), think you’ve gone too far in suggesting that they be racist. I have friends who are of different races and I won’t stand for this racism you promote.
1. That’s a lie, you have no friends.
2. No one cares about your make believe friends.
3. Wark
iambetterthanyou,
I think its about time you put your mouth where our balls
God;
Any thoughts on Linux?
God;
If I get caught in a tornado, will I survive if I toss in a Boy Scout? That is, will a sacrifice appease You?
bridgette couldn’t debate her way out of a nutsack.
iambetterthanyou – how can you not understand that God is clearly mocking the boy scouts for their racist past and their exclusionary present?
ed- anyone who uses the term “humor impaired” is humor impaired.
bridgette—if people like you can say that tragedies occur because god is punishing america for tolerating homosexuality, how is that less offensive? that’s part of the joke, stupid (i say stupid because you are stupid). the world is filled with terrible shit. we do not laugh at it, we laugh to get through it and because people like you (the stupid ones) make it even less bearable with your bloviating hypocrisy.
i will be punished for my wickedness, huh? my wife works for a nonprofit organization helping victims of domestic abuse. we donate substantial time and money to help the homeless. i volunteer time to work with inner city boys who don’t have a positive male role model in their lives. yet, you make sweeping judgements…you know why you make those judgements? because you are STUPID.
what do you do for the world? nothing. you hypocritical bitch.
I am no fan of the B-Scouts and I thought the Demandments were superb, but I do believe this is too soon. At least wait for some random sign of God to be found in the rubble, like the steel crossbeam crucifix of 911. Them you can claim superiority and wrath, and the Westboro Baptist Church can praise you for smiting the gay scouts.
God, have you discussed the God Hates Fags clan? I’m curious about your views on that.
godless cunt – what an appropriate name for you. Too soon? TOO SOON?! I have let the boy scouts commit there heresy for over 40 years without a smiting them.
I hate the God hates fags clan. They go too far. I don’t like it when people put words and emotions into My Mouth. Plus, I don’t hate fags, just anal.
oooh, God made a typo!
Glad to hear even the Almighty don’t like-a the Fred Phelps. When might You be smiting them? I do hope it will be grand. And ironic.
No I didn’t! I am infailable!
uppity cracka, good for you! I work for a mental health agency, it’s disheartening to see the parade of sadness that comes through the doors.
Dude God, infailable ain’t even a word!!
it’s a word after God says it’s a word. haven’t you been paying attention?
yoyo-it’s only disheartening if you can’t understand that it’s all god’s way of punishing sin. see, you feel better now, right?
Listen, God sent down his Holy Book and now his Holy Blog – if He’s gonna start messing with my grammar (I am a copy editor, it is my life) He had better send down a Holy Dictionary.
you’re traversing some dangerously thin ice, pal.
I know, I know, I’s a-gonna be smited….
We’re all gonna be smited sooner or later…where the hell is Bridgette? I’m sick of her one and done responses. Stand up for yourself fatty.
yes, it’s infuriating.
I don’t appreciate being called names, and being called fat. I’m just a person too, and I have feelings. And for someone who does so much good work helping the homeless, which I find very hard to believe, you are a very, very mean person.
And I never said that God is punishing America for the sin of homosexuality, even if he is. I don’t believe God does evil things. God is love!
Yo Bridgette,
You whine about getting your little feelings hurt and then you tell somebody that you find it hard to believe they help the homeless? Why? Just because he doesn’t coddle Jesus freaks like yourself? Hypocrisy, thy name is Bridgette.
wow bridgette…holy shit you are dumb…
uppity cracka, I never thought of it like that.
You have lifted the veil from mine eyes!
Gloriouska!
And Frigid Brigette, you may not appreciate us calling you fat, but if you waddle like a fatty, eat like a fatty, and snore like a fatty, you are a fatty.
Or a BBW. (Big Bovine Woman)
well, kid, no one has seen you…so, how would anyone know you’re fat? it’s just as arbitrary as you saying we are all going to be stoned to death and condemned to eternal hellfire over what you have personally decided is blasphemy. this is the irony you fail so miserably to grasp.
God, a question.
What’s Your thoughts on the legalization of gay marriage in California?
Take a big sip of Hater-ade, and tell us, please.
You fucking idiots are behaving like 5 year trolls.
Grow the fuck up.
Leave Bridgette alone.
Dude… don’t look in the mirror when you blog. You accidentally just called us all idiots.
F
A
C
E
SHE STARTED IT!!!!
face?
A jesus-freak internet nerd.
Luis Dias is cute.
And a cunt.
And Bridgette is fat.
And a cunt.
Actually Bridgette, the glove is love. Don’t you listen to music?
he’s an adorable triangle.
she listens to christian rock…like stryper.
you know, I’m as guilty as any, but I agree with you Luis. I would like a more substantive discussion, possibly about the topic that God has given us.
Here’s a question: did the boy scouts used to be racist? also, why would the real God kill boy scouts in real life if they so clearly honor Him?
MORE RANDOM BULLSHIT!!!!
on June 17, 2008 at 5:29 pm82 Yo Yo Ma Ma
God, a question.
What’s Your thoughts on the legalization of gay marriage in California?
God, i got this one. YO YO as God has stated many, many, many, many times: He does not hate gays or gays getting married, HE JUST HATES ANAL!
For all the religious nuts here, I think you will enjoy this live reading of the bible.
J-Moke, good point! I gotta start studying the BlogScriptures.
Hmmm…no anal. So, when the IRS financially gave me a beefstick, God was frowning?
frowning? no. He’s the one who did that to you. there are many forms of smiting.
Is ‘face’ some kind of witty Jewish comeback that I don’t know about?
Where did you take the beefstick? God, hasn’t mention much about skull f*cking.
god is a skrull
Nun,
I believe that ‘face’ is a contraction of the term “in your face” popularized in the eighties by NBA players.
they had tiny shorts and long legs and they enjoyed talking “jive”.
god has green skin, pointy ears, and a bumpy chin
and he can shape shift
Der Dude,
Thanks for that explanation.
I didn’t even know that Jews could be black!!
I took the beefstick right up the Exit Only Orifice. Back tax and interest. I hate getting smited that way. I’m no longer self-employed, let someone else have the fun!
“they had tiny shorts” I remember a picture of some NBA player jumping, his junk was popping out. Feh.
Good thing Brigette didn’t see it.
that would be offensive and she would have to stone the team, the fans, the camera man, the announcers, herself.
the unpleasant jew is……..(drumroll)…………..LENNY KRAVITZ!!!
“the unpleasant jew is……..(drumroll)…………..LENNY KRAVITZ!!!”
Wow!! the unpleasant jew is kind of hot… in a dirty Jack Sparrow kind of way.
lenny kravitz sucks. i am not him.
it’s comments like that that make me so unpleasant.
So, you’re not hot in a dirty Jack Sparrow kind of way?
I heard that he is scraggly in a Chris Elliot kind of way.
bloodvark is a skrull
All bloodvarks or one specific bloodvark?
Yuck. Chris Elliot is not hot in a dirty homeless guy kind of way.
I’m horribly, horribly disappointed now, Bloodvork. Thanks so much for ruining my fantasy.
So…. are YOU hot in a dirty Jack Sparrow kind of way?????
I heard bloodvork is hot in a dirty porcupine kind of way.
I heard Blood, is more like Officer Tom Hanson with a Mr. T attitude.
“I heard Blood, is more like Officer Tom Hanson with a Mr. T attitude.”
Mmmm…. mama likes.
Unpleasant Jew – I deeply resent your implying that I’m a secret-Skrull. That’s exactly the kind of accusation a Skrull would make.
God, are you a member of the Skull and Bones? Or are you a Freemason?
Freemasons are God’s Oompa Loompas.
Cooper – No, those clubs are for misguided male humans. I am only interested in My Fan Club.
And what fan club might that be?
Bloodvarks and pocupines are two completely different animals.
Also,
No quills + super long tongue = never dirty.
Hey God!
I’m liking the Wu-Tang reference, but why are you listening to hip hop if you hate Africa so much? Hip hop is all Africa’s fault. Shame on a nigga, indeed.
You can lay off the scripture, Bridgette. My only complaint is the total lack of brains in the snark. I didn’t realize anyone regarded lobotomies as cosmetic surgery.
Hey God,
Bridgette is slowly, but certainly becoming more entertaining than your blog. And her sidekick (the guy who said a boy scout will protect a person from a tornado) is going to definitely help her upstage you.
I hope Bridgette can start her own blog so I can read all the serious/stupid shit she has to say and wonder if God truly exists if people like her do.
No offense God, but she makes me wonder if you’re even real. How can you have created something… like that? I mean, I know your creations are limitless, but seriously can you please explain Bridgette to me?
Thanks.
On this day, 21 September 2008, I, Smoggy Batzrubble of Noo Zillund, son of Mama Batzrubble (deceased in childbirth) and Papa Batzrubble (serial killer–executed), post this message in praise of Almighty God, the Omniscient, the Omnipotent, and the Fiercest SMITING Bastard in the universe, who has granted me a great victory in my contest with the Pagan Priestess Anne (spitting staples) Johnson.
For evidence to support my faith I refer you to “God on the Internet” postings 600 and 609.
Praise be to God. This message is posted on every thread in HIS honor.
Signed
Servant Smoggy
AMEN
Fricking atheist cocksuckers.