Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today is Memorial Day in the USA. Most Americans use this day to eat burgers and think about dead soldiers. I would also like to use today to think about dead soldiers…and how much I hate them!
Please! Before I go any further, don’t misunderstand Me. Just because I hate dead soldiers, in no way does this mean that I hate war.
On the contrary, I love war! It’s one of the best methods I have to punish and destroy nations I hate. I really need to hurry up and get a bunch more started soon. You know, when I think about all the blasphemous little brats I’ve killed in wars over the millennia, it warms My Heart. It’s just such a great way to kill more sinners and get them off to Hell for eternal torture.
Hmm, while I’m on the topic, I’d like to take a moment to mention a specific kind of soldier I especially like to make dead – the marines! Stupid jerks! Think they’re so tough!
Marine core drill instructors are always saying that I, the Lord Almighty, love the marines. RIDICULOUS! I HATE THE MARINES! They also claim that on the 8th day, I created the marines. BULLSHIT! They even go so far as to say that I’m a marine Myself. BLASPHEMY!
Let Me make this clear right now: there is nothing – and I mean nothing – I hate more than when people put words into My Holy Mouth. I assure you, anyone dumb enough to commit such sacrilege will be stricken dead where they stand!
So anyway, where the fuck was I? Yes, that’s right. I, The Almighty Lord, hate dead soldiers. Those stupid maggots make Me furious! Seriously, how hard is it to fight in a war and not get killed?
Haha – just kidding. It’s actually very easy for a soldier to die in a war. Especially when I hate them!
The simple truth is, if you ever participated in a war and got killed, it’s only because I hated you and wanted you dead. I don’t care how you died; whether you were decapitated by a Visigoth, were impaled by a French bayonet, or fell on a grenade to save the lives of your friends – I arranged those circumstances and put you there at that exact moment in time, because for whatever reason, I had come to hate you.
Private Montgomery, who got killed fighting the Zulu for her Majesty in 1879, I know you’re reading this right now in Hell’s computer lab and you’re wondering if you’re one of these dead soldiers I speak of. Yes! That’s right! I’m talking about you dung-for-brains! I hated you and your dreadful poetry writing, and I started that whole war just so I could kill you. And even though you are already dead and in Hell, I hate you still.
You know, come to think of it, I guess technically I don’t hate dead soldiers at all – I hate the previously alive soldiers! I love the dead ones! I love the fact that they’re dead and no longer around to piss Me off. I love Memorial Day!