In this new monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has received. Afterwards, readers of Stuff God Hates will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.
QUESTION #1:
Jamey: “Uh, Lord, what’s your take on pro athletes invoking your name on the job?”
GOD: Personally, I love watching sports and spend most of My Time helping teams win and players perform well. The winners in sports have always received My Blessing, so it is proper that they always thank Me after a victory.
QUESTION #2:
Steve: “Hey God: Once and for all, what is your stance on Pork? Thanks.”
GOD: You should never eat pork because I feel the pig is a filthy animal. For the same reason, you should also never eat cow, chicken or turkey. Veal is ok.
QUESTION #3:
Lazy Buddhist: “OK, I’m not gay or anything, but if you didn’t want people to have anal sex, why did you make it feel so damn good?”
GOD: How do you know “it feels so damn good” if you haven’t tried it?
QUESTION #4:
The Unpleasant Jew: “How do you feel about oral sex?”
GOD: It’s also not what I intended, but I’m willing to let oral slide.
QUESTION #5:
Kelly Jelley: “Do you still get to keep your foreskin?”
GOD: OF COURSE!!! However, human males are required to rip their foreskin off with their own teeth at the age of thirteen as a way to prove their faith and loyalty to Me.
QUESTION #6:
Molly: “God, are you white?”
GOD: OF COURSE I’M WHITE!! Did you ever have any doubt?
QUESTION #7:
Oy Gevalt: “Why did You create atheists? Was it the whole “free will” thing?”
GOD: I did indeed give mankind freewill, or the ability to choose. So you can choose to believe in Me and have eternal life, or you can choose to be an atheist and spend eternity in hell getting raped by demons. It’s up to you.
Eh. Your blasphemy will be your downfall.
“GOD: I did indeed give mankind freewill, or the ability to choose. So you can choose to believe in Me and have eternal life, or you can choose to be an atheist and spend eternity in hell getting raped by demons. It’s up to you.”
well, either way you look at it, it’s eternal life after death. the only difference is whether you will be butt buddies with lucifer or god. and if it’s up to me, i would rather be raped for eternity than be subjected to 5 minutes with you righteous blowhards in heaven. as billy joel said, “i’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.”
my question for god: are you a moderate republican or a hard-line, conservitive, child molesting republican?
Judas,
I am not a republican or a democrat. And I don’t sanction voting. I only support monarchies and dictatorships.
gross foreskin leavings—> ()
You didn’t answer my question about the other shortcomings of women. Seems you favor The Unpleasant Jew over me. Here are examples of your pandering to The Unpleasant Jew:
http://stuffgodhates.wordpress.com/2008/04/16/7-women/#comment-166
http://stuffgodhates.wordpress.com/2008/04/18/8-anal/#comment-191
As a result I may not frequent this blog as much as I once did. I am starting to think you’re not really God. You suck!
Anyway, my question was: Women’s irrationality and flaky reasoning… Was that a mistake you made with making women? Seems more like a punishment for men.
Pleasant Jew,
I apologize if I have pandered to the unpleasant Jew. It’s just that he is a better Jew than you because he is unpleasant.
As to your question:
The irrationality of women is indeed a punishment on us all, and verily it was My mistake.
I shouldn’t have used Adam’s rib to make Eve. Everybody knows it makes for the worst creating material. I should have used one of his ass-cheeks. Or duh! Maybe I should have just started from scratch.
God, I have only one question:
Why are we here?
Carson,
I have put you on Earth to test your devotion and love to Me. If you spend your entire life worshiping Me and never losing your faith, no matter what terrible things I let happen to you, you will be rewarded by going to Heaven when you die. Once there, you will get to spend eternity worshiping Me.
WHY GOD? WHY?!
Jos,
BECAUSE! I HATE YOU!
God, why is there a bible in every bedside table of hotels?
There is a ghost (or is it you God) in my house. and it is quite evil. it switches on the lights and once, the vacumn cleaner. and it pinches my housemate when she sleeps. and laugh in our ears at night.
and it stares at me when i am blogging or when i am sleeping..
White Parent,
Good question. This is so that weary travelers may have something inspiring and interesting to read when there is nothing good on HBO.
Judas when the lard answered
I don’t sanction voting. I only support monarchies and dictatorships
He was really saying he was a hard-line, conservative, molesting republican
Jos,
That’s not a ghost (there is no such thing). No, that’s Me.
What can I say? I love annoying you Jos, but only because you let it get to you.
I don’t, however, pinch your housemate when she sleeps. Her bed is infested with bedbugs. Call an exterminator.
madmonq,
I am not a republican. I HATE REPUBLICANS!!!
I know you invented all people. Did you also invent stick figure people? If so… why?
Neocon?
Or d-bag?!
Holy Blasphemy, Batman!!!!!!
Stick Figure,
I did in fact create stick figure people, for the same reason I created retards – for amusement.
Why do we get brain freeze?
Can we get brain melt?
Is pluto a planet or not?
Did you plant all those dinosaur bones to mess with us?
Why do we park in a driveway and drive on a parkway?
Who really killed JFK?
The Indifferent Agnostic,
If you had read the instructions, you would know I only have time to answer ONE of your questions. You have not specified which question you want answered the most, so I will pick.
JFK was shot by Lee Harvey Oswald and snipers from the Mafia, the Military, NASA, the CIA, the Good Humor Company, and Castro. He was also poisoned (minutes before the parade) by his brother Bobby, LBJ and MLK.
Finally, I had given him a massive brain tumor a couple months before he got shot. If you look at the Zapruder film closely, right at the moment his head gets blown open, you can see it!
Lord, why in the world did you give many animals the ability to lick their own balls, but not humans? It’s VEXING!
Just a Heretic,
I did give humans the ability to lick their balls. You’re not trying hard enough.
Hello there, God!
After one of your first posts, you promised me a nice hot bath in a lake full of fire. And all just for me! It’s been a while, but I have not received my nice little bath yet.
Here is my one question:
Do you ALWAYS dissapoint pretty girls, or are you more afraid of me than the rest of them?
Is Jesus a d-bag?
Xanthippa,
You have offered a classic two-option-question in which both answers would be insulting to Me. I do not fear you, that is ridiculous in the extreme. And I never disappoint pretty girls. Just the ugly ones. You have a horse-face.
“Every time you masterbate God Kills a Kitten”, where do you find the time? or do you subcontract?
Ryan,
No matter how busy I am, I always find the time to kill kittens.
why did you make it so easy for us to lie to each other?
Darkrich,
I didn’t. I did, however, make it easy for people to lie to you.
So, do you use lubrication or are you magically moist?
kelleyjelley,
I use lube. And I prefer Astroglide over KY Jelly.
Why do you let bad things happen to good people?
JB,
I get asked this question all the time and quite frankly, it pisses Me off. I never, ever, let bad things happen to good people.
The people who think they are unlucky good people are really not good people – they are douchebags in disguise.
The truth is, good people don’t think of themselves as good. They are far too humble to indulge such vainglorious thoughts.
Why do you make delicious food so horribly bad for you but at the same time make the body fat said food produces so horribly un-attractive?
Ken,
I make delicious food make you fat because I enjoy watching people suffer. Whether it be because they feel so guilty from eating an entire chocolate cake, or because they are starving and have no chocolate cake at all, food brings Me much entertainment.
yo God, what do you think about the Jets draft picks this year.
Francis,
Absolutely atrocious. I hate the Jets, and so have cursed them for 30 years. All of their picks this year will bust.
God, what’s up with Santa and the Easter bunny? Do they work for you or the devil or are they free agents?
Capcode,
I have no affiliation with Santa or the Easter Bunny. In fact, I want them dead.
And how much would you pay for said contract?
Alias,
Guaranteed entry into Heaven where you will get to bask in My Glory forever.
Wow. I never realized that my username kind of stands for lubrication. Thank You for enlightening me, God.
God, why have you made me so attractive? I am so tired of come ons!
Chocoholic,
I put you on Earth to be a sex slave. If you do not cause several men to orgasm every day, you are failing Me.
So where do you go to get away from it all?
Ryan,
I have an island I keep off the maps in the South Pacific that I like to get away to as often as I can (most Sundays).
I also like to travel back to the beginning of time and just sit there and enjoy the silence and the darkness. It’s a great place for Me to think about who/what I need to destroy next.
God,
I have a huge favor to ask. I know, I’m in no place to ask for it, seeing as I am a lying, stealing, cheating, adulterous POS excuse for a Catholic.
However, I’m sure you had to have noticed the woman in hideous burning man gear that decided to set up with her accordion outside of my office window.
Would you do me a huge favor and smite the holy fuck out of her? Thanks.
Your Friend,
Crystal
Crystal,
No. I hate you. The lady with the accordion is how I am currently smiting you. Go back to church and beg My Forgiveness and we’ll see.
HINT: Offering Me a sacrificial lamb can go a long way.
God,
I’m totally rocking a keffiyeh right now in support of the Palestinians kicking your stupid people (who are total squatters) out of their country.
I poured some wine down my kitchen sink today. It’s kind of like a libation, right?
Your Friend,
Crystal
God,
Why the name “God”? I mean, it’s simple and easy to remember and all, but I would’ve chosen a more flashy sounding one, like Raphael. Wasn’t he your personal artist?
Why ever when Christians and Moslems are fighting each other over terrorism, Chinese atheists are being smitten by you through earthquakes, and Burmese military monarchies are crumbling, Hindus live in peace? Even the Tsunami sent by your Supreme Self managed to only smite white-skinned millionaires who were having some fun on the beaches of India?
Are you a Hindu ? {tremble, tremble}
Say God, You don’t fuck, do You? All right, all right, so now all of the people who think that this whole site is the work of Satan Himself are ready to come after me with the torches and pitchforks now. But actually, those folks have left a pretty clear implication about this, even though they’d never talk about it, which is that as a matter of fact You do *not* get it on. And I can see how You’d be awfully hard up. After all, what are You supposed to do, go cruising for angels up at the mansion?
And if You’ve really never gotten laid, not even once in all of eternity, it sure would explain why You’ve turned out to be such a wound-up, anal-retentive jackass over the years. Just sayin’.
The time has long passed for asking questions for April. All outstanding questions and all future questions posted here will be rolled over into May’s edition of Ask Me.
SO STOP BUGGING ME!
OK, OK, Your Omnipotenceness, if You would be so Omnibenevolent as to quit Yer bitchin’ and start up a new Ask God thread for May, we could take it over there. The rest of us can’t just say Shazam and make it happen, remember?
God,
First, thank you for the headache this morning.
My question is, do you hate Kent Hovind and if you do have you been providing him with the special kind of male companionship one only gets in prison?
God,
Since you don’t exist, how do explain your sense of humor and why, if you do exist, did you make people so fucking stupid?
Mondo
Hey God
do you not like anal full stop or is it only between guys you dont like it for instance what about lesbians doing anal with strap ons.
is that ok?
thanks
God,
What’s up with this “global warming” thing? Should I be doing something or can I keep on dumping oil into that hippy’s garden down the street?
Dear Yaweh,
I have a few inquiries as to a few commandments you laid on the jews. Of course this is just me trying to quench my curiosity, in no way i’m i questioning your grand desing or plan. Why keep the sabbath holy? moreover, Why did it take you seven days to create earth? These are but humble inquiries from a faithful servant.
Pacniel