Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today I want to focus on something which has always infuriated Me – blasphemy!
Many people think that it’s no big deal to take My Name in vain. They don’t even think about it, they just curse Me as a matter of habit.
I hear it constantly. “Goddamnit!” they say. Or “Holy Fucking Christ that hurts!” Or “God is a self-absorbed ass-pirate who doesn’t give a flying fuck about us!”
HOW DARE YOU HUMANS MAKE FUN OF ME?! I created you!
You people mock me every day and in every language. And I hate being mocked! In fact, nothing makes Me angrier. I devoted an entire commandment to preventing it, and I spend most of My Time smiting sarcastic douchebags who think I don’t exist. But that’s fine with Me.
I love chasing down blasphemers and smiting them. Just last night, there was this guy in New Jersey who was making all these smart-ass jokes about Me at a bar. So I gave him penile cancer. Who’s funny now funny guy?
See, for Me, blasphemy is worse than murder, rape and abortion combined. Cause at the end of the day, what the frig do I care if a human gets killed or raped? All part of The Plan. But making fun of Me? Well that’s just uncalled for.
I guess you could say I’m the sensitive type. Or you might say I can dish it out, but I can’t take it. Whatever.
You make fun of Me, you die.
Best one yet….blasphemy is a weird one…why would God give a sit that you say his name when you are opissed off? SURELY THAT’S NO DIFFERENT TO PRAYING.
As clever as you think you are, you will not escape God’s judgment.
This blog does more for awareness of God than your whiny posturing ever will.
this is sparta!
Well Bridgette, I guess we’ll just have to find out! (and didn’t you notice this God’s blog? I’m pretty sure he’s not trying to escape his own punishment!)
Dude! I TOTALLY worshipped you on my blog!!! Check it out:
http://stuffwhitedbagslike.wordpress.com/2008/04/24/god/
Like, can I have my red bike now?
If a god in heaven exists, the blatantly homoerotic windbag that he might be, may he strike me down and kill me as soon as this comment is posted.
well, i guess he doesnt exist after all. what a tool.
maybe he just gave you penile cancer?
Bridgette,
Thank you for your support. You are so right. The rest of these blasphemers will not escape ME!
Judas, for that insult, I’m making you impotent for the next 5 years. Go ahead, give it a try. It doesn’t work anymore. HA!
does it count as blasphemy if i say “oh my god!” when i’m orgasming?
Best post yet.
This whole list is pointless – I’ll do every evil thing I want and come around at the last second with a deathbed request for forgiveness, which you are obligated to grant. It’s in the written rules.
Don’t hate the player – hate the game.
- curious,
No, that counts as praise. Keep doing that, I like it.
- mtbrooks
I am not obligated to do anything. I will remember your disrespect this day and your deathbed request will be denied. Enjoy hell!
You’re awfully touchy for a “perfect being”. Maybe you’re a woman.
i promise you, god, it works. and im not blind like my mother predicted, either.
Does “Holy Shit!” offend you? I mean, your shit is holy and all, right?
Hang on a minute! Can you prove the penile cancer thing? It could have been any old deity.
Same old story. Big claims, little evidence.
Very ironic entry. This entire blog is blasphemy. Be careful what you wish for…
I love that you used a picture of George Carlin. GREAT POST God. I’m telling all my friends about your blog…
God,
Whats your favorite smiting technique? Thunder? electrocution? falling debris-ala-final-destination? meteor shower?
What?
Don’t ignore me God!
I know you’re there. And you saw what I just did a few minutes ago.
haha.
penile cancer…that’s pretty harsh….i always figured using your name in vain was a good way to vent frustrations over things you just can’t understand….if you don’t like blasphemy you shouldn’t make everything so freaking hard to deal with….situations which lend themselves to questioning why you would create them in the first place….yeah…think about that God.
God damn blasphemy.
Why is it necessary for people to warn others about their impending doom and journey to hell. That’s private business. So I suggest keeping your bible waving whiny presumptuous thoughts to yourselves.
[...] all seriousness, many of these directly poke fun at the Bible; the entry on Blasphemy, for instance, mocks the idea of an omnipotent God with a painfully fragile ego: See, for Me, [...]
On this day, 21 September 2008, I, Smoggy Batzrubble of Noo Zillund, son of Mama Batzrubble (deceased in childbirth) and Papa Batzrubble (serial killer–executed), post this message in praise of Almighty God, the Omniscient, the Omnipotent, and the Fiercest SMITING Bastard in the universe, who has granted me a great victory in my contest with the Pagan Priestess Anne (spitting staples) Johnson.
For evidence to support my faith I refer you to “God on the Internet” postings 600 and 609.
Praise be to God. This message is posted on every thread in HIS honor.
Signed
Servant Smoggy
AMEN
Well, the only thing worse than a cry baby is a cry baby who’s also an almighty bully.