Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Today I would like to talk about something I feel very, very strongly about – My deep and abiding hatred for women.
Now don’t get Me wrong! I’m not a gay. Far from it.
I’ve been a poon-hound ever since I first created poon. I get as much as I want, whenever I want. I’m sure you’re wondering about all My Conquests.
Aphrodite? Did her.
Lakshmi, the 4-armed Hindu Sex Goddess? You bet.
Marilyn Monroe? I have her tied up in My Bed right now.
Yup, I’ve basically had sex with every hot woman who ever existed. Many, many times.
But that’s beside the point. The point is I hate women. HATE THEM!
And I always have. I regret ever creating their stupid gender.
I should have listened to My Divine Instincts. I said to Myself, you’re creating a garden of delights God, and all you’re gonna do is make one little man and keep him happy. It was just supposed to be Me and My best bud Adam, hanging out in paradise…together forever.
But then Adam just had to get his jimmy waxed. And I, being the good friend and loving God that I am, gave the stupid jerk what he wanted. A creature that would spend its life worshipping his penis. So I took one of his ribs and made that treacherous whore Eve.
I HATE WOMEN! I HATE THEM SO MUCH!
They’re rife with design flaws. I mean, sure, they look fabulous and you just want to grab’em and do nasty things. But that doesn’t change the fact that they’re all vile, selfish little whores that scowl at you when you hold the door open for them. And do they ever say thank you?
The answer is: rarely. I’ve watched every instance of this situation since doors were first invented. And women only say thank you 17% of the time. Mostly they just stride through like it’s every man’s job to hold doors open for strange bitches.
I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD AND I HATE WOMEN! If you’re a woman, you know this to be true. Deep down, you’ve always known.
But I digress. Getting back to that slut Eve, what do you think is the first thing that backstabbing bitch ever did?
Yup, that’s right. Stab Me in the back. She betrayed Me, the Lord God Almighty, who gave her absolutely everything, for some smooth-talking serpent. BITCH!
Also, at around the same time all this was going on I was on a lot of painkillers because I had just caught Aphrodite cheating on Me with this douche Adonis.
So anyway, I decided to punish women for all eternity. You might not be aware of this, but I made it so that they bleed once a month. For a week!
I also made several sweet alterations to the pregnancy process. See, originally, the human pregnancy cycle was only supposed to last a couple of weeks. I extended that to nine long months of weight gain.
Also, babies were originally only going to be about the size of a Raisinet and would be born out of the woman’s mouth. I changed this so that the average baby weighed 7 pounds and came out headfirst through the most painful place possible (the vagina.)
Finally, I made women half as strong as men, so that a man could always just beat the crap out of a woman if she ever got too annoying.
HA! THAT’S WHAT YOU GET WOMAN!