Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this entry, I would like to talk about one of the banes of My Existence – onions on pizza.
I don’t know why, but it seems like every time I order a pizza from Heaven’s Pizza Hut, they always manage to screw it up. I always call up and order My favorite – pepperoni and sausage – and I swear, every time I’m trying to enjoy it, I find a couple small onion bits in there that just ruin the whole pizza.
It’s crazy, because you’d think that a couple tiny pieces of onion wouldn’t be able to poison the taste of an entire pizza, but they do!
It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even have to bite into a slice, I can just tell from the smell. When this happens it drives Me into a violent rage I cannot explain – the last time it happened I struck down the CEO of Pizza Hut (by crushing him under his garage door.)
Anyway, I also really hate onions in other foods too, like in pasta salads. But it’s weird, because I don’t hate onions entirely. I mean, I could eat a bloomin’ onion any day of the week, and I love caramelized onions.
Onions on pizza though? Blech!
Eh, anchovies woulda been better!
Damn you imaG! I HATE WHAT I HATE!
Thank you sir.
That floating pizza slice looks kinda menacing. And onions should be outlawed. “Thou shalt not garnish with onions”
God does not hate! you are so going to hell blasphemer!
God, why are you so hateful?
-5
are you insane? chill out!
I love onions.
My, my! Isn’t somebody a naughty boy!
Pepperoni AND sausage – both ‘with’ beef – and on a pizza with dairy cheese! And who was it that said, in Exodus 34:26 that ‘Thou shalt not seethe a kid in its mother’s milk’??? Who is it that forbade the eating of beef and dairy in the same meal??? And then orders pizza with pepperoni and sausage? Hm?
Naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty!
I think I should have a word with your Mother, the Virgin Mary – she ought to reign in her little boy, get him to eat proper kosher meals! I wonder if she even knows her son is out there, boasting of breaking the very dietary laws handed down by himself as his father!!!
I’ll be surprised if she does not ground you for this one! All your worshippers would be happy – the second coming of Christ to terra firma – the ground….
God, do you like anchovies? I do!
onions are spices and foods with spices are delicious! nam! nam! nam!
now this post i read. this is a good length.
you ever get onions on a sandwich when you didn’t want it?it’s the worst.
write less.
My pizza has pineapple, bacon and onion.
I’m typically the only person who will touch it.
Now I know why.
If I also hate onions on my pizza does that mean I am like God?
No. You are nothing like Me.
You displease Me greatly cbgrace.
And you’re praying all wrong. Your prayers are too long, not enough substance.
Onion toppings aren’t the lowest a pizza can go.
I absolutely DETEST pineapple on pizza. Especially when it’s canned pineapple, which leaves a few drops of sickeningly sweet syrup on the cheese. Now that’s just disgusting.
How true thou art, God!
Can’t you remove onions altogheter, or better yet – turn ‘em into pepperoni?
Well for the first time I have seen someone who shares my exact distaste for onions. I enjoy onion rings, sauteed (heavily carmelized).
I think when they are cooked to a certain level, the flavor changes, mellows.
The general rule for me is: if they crunch, it’s a no go.
That bitter, acidic crunch destroys pizza.
“seriously, and WHATS UP with onions on pizza?…”
god is a struggling comedian i take it.
[...] God and I don’t have all that much in common after all: he hates onions on pizza. I also happen to prefer my Patrick Swayze in Donnie Darko instead of Roadhouse. But [...]
Lord, I know exactly what you mean about a few little pieces of stray onion that can ruin the entire pizza. Others alway scoff at me when I say this! I feel so persecuted sometimes. I feel much better now, knowing that God feels the same way I do.
May you bless yourself!
God can’t possibly like pepperoni and sausage. They’re not kosher.
Title of Page
You just have to tell them that you don’t want onions
On this day, 21 September 2008, I, Smoggy Batzrubble of Noo Zillund, son of Mama Batzrubble (deceased in childbirth) and Papa Batzrubble (serial killer–executed), post this message in praise of Almighty God, the Omniscient, the Omnipotent, and the Fiercest SMITING Bastard in the universe, who has granted me a great victory in my contest with the Pagan Priestess Anne (spitting staples) Johnson.
For evidence to support my faith I refer you to “God on the Internet” postings 600 and 609.
Praise be to God. This message is posted on every thread in HIS honor.
Signed
Servant Smoggy
AMEN
God hates scallions too