Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Of the many human body parts I intensely dislike, there is none I hate more than the foreskin. I believe this small stretch of penile tissue is responsible for turning more men away from Me, the Almighty Lord your God, than anything Lucifer has ever done.
See, back when I was designing the first man, I decided to just make him look exactly like Me. Perfect in every way. I sat naked in the Heavenly Hall of Mirrors for a couple of hours and sculpted Adam’s body to look just like Mine.
And so I gave Adam a huge penis. With some balls. And a foreskin.
And as you all know, that accursed foreskin made sex such a wondrous experience for Adam that he turned away from Me for that dirty-slut-whore Eve.
I blame Eve, but I mostly blame the foreskin, with its thousands upon thousands of pleasure-inducing nerve-endings. Damn you foreskin!
Despite all My best efforts, of the total number of penises worldwide today, 87% still have foreskins. This is a travesty!
I consider every male attached to those foreskins My forsworn enemy! I also consider any woman who has sex with an uncircumcised man equally culpable! As Myself as My witness, they will all burn with Eve in the fiery pits of hell!
However, should you forsake foreskins and join Me in the crusade against them, I will give you My Help whenever you need it!
Let Me tell you a little story. Many years after My experience with Adam, I met this guy Abraham. He seemed like a straight shooter, so I decided to make him and his descendants My Chosen People. Basically, this just meant I would hook him up with sweet manna from Heaven from time to time, and a few miracles here and there (as needed.)
In exchange, Abraham and all his people had to promise to worship Me and keep the Sabbath holy, and you know, do all the little things that make Me feel super special. However, I still had serious trust issues thanks to Adam, and so I told Abraham he would have to prove his loyalty to Me – by chopping off his precious foreskin!
Well, as you might imagine, Abraham was pretty skittish about it. In fact, no lie, it almost queered the deal. But then I told him his whole household would have to do it too, and all his slaves, and all his descendants, and that seemed to make him feel a lot better. I think he just didn’t want to be the only no-foreskin-having-freak in antiquity.
So anyway, long story short, Abraham did it! He cut off a piece of his penis for Me. And so did all his descendents – to this very day! And I’m proud to say I’ve kept up My end of the bargain too. Whenever the Jews have needed My help, I’ve always been there for them 110%.
I for one can appreciate God’s course of action here. There has been many a pornographic film where I was so repulsed by seeing a foreskin somewhere that I deleted the file. Even though it took me a long time to download – overnight sometimes. So thanks to God, for keeping things from getting disgusting.
good post, god!
too long; didn’t read.
(God’s note: This person is now dead.)
Dear Almigthy Lord:
I just have a question, you say that you decided to just make Adam exactly like you ” you gave him a huge penis”
now…… what about the descendents ???? tell me GOD cause I don’t see very often “Adam” in those days!
ahh”almigthy” Lord thanx for make us imperfect.
“ahh”almigthy” Lord thanx for make us imperfect.”
i think the next post in stuff god hates should be People That Can’t Speak English Perfectly
You truely are a genious. More, More, More
Soll,
After Adam betrayed Me, I shrunk his penis down to the baby size you see in the picture at the top of this post.
Periodically, a male will truly make Me happy, and I will endow him and his descendants with mammoth-sized schlongs.
However, this does not happen very often.
Why did You create atheists? Was it the whole “free will” thing?
God!
Have to agree with you about foreskins – BIG mistake! Although from my point of view, you could’ve made better foreskins so that I wouldn’t have to cut them off all the time. Ugly, shrunken foreskins – yuck!
very good satire on foreskins , you almost missed out on rag heads though- or righs of reservation reserved only for jews…dogs and ragheads not allowed .Is that right God?
Interesting site.
God, love the site, but i never knew you were so pessimistic. I’m glad you’ve finally decided to communicate with the people. Death to Desperate People, Africa, and Foreskins!
Hi God;
Tell me, did you create the foreskin before or after you created that little pimple with the two horns, tail and the red skin.
You know, the imp that gives everyone on this planet a hard time.
Just curious
Do you still get to keep your foreskin?
OF COURSE!!!
I agree with God on this. Theyre just gross
This is a stupid blog. Fucking get a life and stop trying to be cute–it is so white of you.
If I am not mistaken, Abraham circumcised himself using his teeth…why do you no longer require this method? It would be WAY more entertaining!
Come on, just think of the YouTube videos!
Plus, it would mean the man who circumcised himself REALLY devoted himself to you – instead of having some schmuck make the decision for him while he was too little to protest!
I think you should make some sort of a declaration that only circumcisions that one performed on himself actually count!!!
Excellent point Xanthippa. I’m so glad I put that thought in your head. So let it be written!
The Lord your God hath proclaimed:
From here forth all males must circumcise themself using their own teeth upon their 13th birthday!
All other circumcisions will be considered null and void.
I REPEAT – ONLY MALES WHO HAVE RIPPED OFF THEIR FORESKIN WITH THEIR OWN TEETH WILL GET INTO THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN!
GLORY TO ME IN THE HIGHEST!
Foreskin small? Dude, everything is small on a newborn. On an adult, it’s frickin’ huge. You’re mutilating yourself for what? So you can enjoy hot monkey love a lot less.
I saw my foreskin in a vision once after some really hot sex…it was huge…and it twinkled…
Heh, I can see God hasn’t participated on many anti-circ debates on the mommy board circuit.
Wow, I never realised God was such a fucking Jew.
i think circumcision is a good thing, especially if you were born with a “rumpledforeskin.” (thanks, paul krassner!)
[...] Kelly Jelley: “Do you still get to keep your foreskin?” [...]
[...] I always thought that it was plausible that if the bible were non-fiction, then it was written by the real devil (Jehovah), who in spite of all the hate he heaps on Lucifer, can’t hide the angel’s fundamental decency and justice – and of course, can’t hide his own perversion. [...]
I don’t get you God,
you had a chance to get a little action around 0 A.D. with that virgin
and you went all “immaculate”, geez
I think you have some deeper issues than foreskins, dude.
Um, if you were there for the Jews 110% always, then why did the Holocaust happen?
I heard that circumcisions reduce the risk of contracting AIDS significantly.
Can I be considered a good person if I have it removed for health reasons?
I have a foreskin and damn proud of it. I get the best of both worlds.. I can roll it back for the circumcised effect, or leave it covered. Masturbation is so much better with a foreskin, as is sex. I feel sorry for you cut men. You are missing out. Foreskin haters are just jealous
[...] we all clear now? Sex is only to be had between a devout circumcised man and his devout skinny woman after they have gotten married and then only in the vagina and [...]
I, Smoggy Batzrubble of Noo Zillund, son of Mama Batzrubble (deceased in childbirth) and Papa Batzrubble (serial killer–executed), post this message in praise of Almighty God, the Omniscient, the Omnipotent, and the Fiercest SMITING Bastard in the universe, who has granted me a great victory in my contest with the Pagan Priestess Anne (spitting staples) Johnson.
For evidence to support my faith I refer you to “God on the Internet” postings 600 and 609.
Praise be to God. This message is posted on every thread in HIS honor.
Signed
Servant Smoggy
god put the foreskins on the dick you fool…. he made our bodies with tits and rectums just so that he could hate breast feeding and going shit too?????? you are the stupidest. YOUR god told jews to circumcise themselves and for gentiles, they are circumcised in the heart. get it together and dont misquote, add or take away from the bible unless you want to burn in hell forever. gentiles are not to be circed as they are done so by god in the heart meaning, their hearts are filled with god. man do I hate the stupid!!!!! if he hated foreskin, he would have not told just jews to cut it off, but all men and women too. freaks!!!!!! you cant even get your bible thumping correct!!!! you will burn in hell for it!!!!!!!! When did god last speak to any bible thumper about foreskin, when he told you to grab some scissors while your wife( sister)brought home another kid?? he hates incest so you really gotta stop with it in the south, it makes for mentally challenged people as yourselves.
There is no way God wants us to circumcise babies. that is fucking stupid. it is a homage to some people who circumcised themselves, then got killed when they were trying to recover from their self mutilation. that was a mistake. why would we want to repeat that mistake just to honor some sado masichists. I WISH I HAD foreskin, especially since the moyle i got was a fucking retard and cut mine too short, making my dick scar disgustingly huge and uneven. also, i had a hard time learning to jack off with no dick-skin, causing myself permanent harm. thanks fake god. i just hope the REAL GOD has punished you sufficiently.
wocoan opo to iki….!
Circumcision comes from the unintelligent, the evil and sick fucks! Women and Animals seems to be happy with their foreskins! It’s not just a human male thing!
you are truly psychotic for start and secondly, God hates the skin he created say you?!! What GOD truly hates are THOSE that ADD or TAKE AWAY from the written word, and half of americas pastors and preachers do JUST THAT, not mention all the simpleton jack asses such as yourself, try investing in getting your high school diploma or at least grade ten brother! Hey preacher man, how come the american psycotic religious folk call Jesus JC, do they honestly feel that this form of respect would be appreciated from Divinity?!!
Oh t6oo funny and clever!