Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
Of the many human body parts I intensely dislike, there is none I hate more than the foreskin. I believe this small stretch of penile tissue is responsible for turning more men away from Me, the Almighty Lord your God, than anything Lucifer has ever done.
See, back when I was designing the first man, I decided to just make him look exactly like Me. Perfect in every way. I sat naked in the Heavenly Hall of Mirrors for a couple of hours and sculpted Adam’s body to look just like Mine.
And so I gave Adam a huge penis. With some balls. And a foreskin.
And as you all know, that accursed foreskin made sex such a wondrous experience for Adam that he turned away from Me for that dirty-slut-whore Eve.
I blame Eve, but I mostly blame the foreskin, with its thousands upon thousands of pleasure-inducing nerve-endings. Damn you foreskin!
Despite all My best efforts, of the total number of penises worldwide today, 87% still have foreskins. This is a travesty!
I consider every male attached to those foreskins My forsworn enemy! I also consider any woman who has sex with an uncircumcised man equally culpable! As Myself as My witness, they will all burn with Eve in the fiery pits of hell!
However, should you forsake foreskins and join Me in the crusade against them, I will give you My Help whenever you need it!
Let Me tell you a little story. Many years after My experience with Adam, I met this guy Abraham. He seemed like a straight shooter, so I decided to make him and his descendants My Chosen People. Basically, this just meant I would hook him up with sweet manna from Heaven from time to time, and a few miracles here and there (as needed.)
In exchange, Abraham and all his people had to promise to worship Me and keep the Sabbath holy, and you know, do all the little things that make Me feel super special. However, I still had serious trust issues thanks to Adam, and so I told Abraham he would have to prove his loyalty to Me – by chopping off his precious foreskin!
Well, as you might imagine, Abraham was pretty skittish about it. In fact, no lie, it almost queered the deal. But then I told him his whole household would have to do it too, and all his slaves, and all his descendants, and that seemed to make him feel a lot better. I think he just didn’t want to be the only no-foreskin-having-freak in antiquity.
So anyway, long story short, Abraham did it! He cut off a piece of his penis for Me. And so did all his descendents – to this very day! And I’m proud to say I’ve kept up My end of the bargain too. Whenever the Jews have needed My help, I’ve always been there for them 110%.