Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!
In this, My first entry, I, The Almighty Lord your God, Awesome and Perfect Creator of the Universe, wish to focus My anger on desperate losers who beg Me for help (only, of course, long after they have messed up their pitiful lives good and proper.)
You see, every soul I put into this world is given an equal chance at success and wonderment. Whether I place you into a wealthy family, the son of football legend John Elway, or whether I make you the 8-legged mutant child of a diseased prostitute in Calcutta, I have given you life and free will – the freedom to choose your own fate. This freedom is a generous gift – a gift that I constantly see being squandered!
Let’s say I place a human baby into a decent family in the United States. By virtue of geography alone, this person has been given more of a chance at a happy life than 99% of the world. And yet I receive more idiotic complaints and ‘prayers’ from the USA than from all other countries in the world combined!
For example, take 31-year-old Mark Brown, of St. Louis, Missouri. I gave Mark life and loving parents, along with many other talents and benefits. Yet tonight, after he found his second wife cheating on him, this despicable lifelong alcoholic and cocaine addict decided to get down on his knees and pray to Me for the first time in 12 years to fix everything for him.
What in the hell does this jerk expect Me to do?! Let him win the lottery? And I get thousands of these kinds of prayers every day.
The simple truth is, if you’re desperate, you deserve it. You have ruined your chance at life. Here’s My advice: take some responsibility and clean up your act. But don’t go begging Me to make things all better, ok?
It’s pathetic! And super lame.
Actually, desperate people are pretty much God’s favorite. In ‘The Pharisee and the Tax Collector’ (Luke 18:9-14) we can read how the smug man who thinks he knows what God likes (and dislikes) is passed over in favor of the man who is … begging for God’s help! None of us can do anything right, as God measures right, and His measure is all that will count in the end. Desperate people are the kind who can look past their ego and pride and ask for help from the only one who can ultimately give it. The Beatitudes (Matthew 5) is one big list of desperate people whom God calls blessed.
Better check your own heart first, and make sure *you’re* not on the Stuff-God-Hates list, before you go starting an obtrusive blog.
You’re damn right only I measure what is right! So how dare you tell Me that I am wrong to convey My thoughts here, Robert?! You admit that I have a list of things I hate, yet you have a problem with Me sharing it!
And how DARE YOU come on My blog and quote the scriptures to Me?! Call Me obtrusive? You meddlesome piss-ant! You just made the list!!!
When I think of all the things I gave you over the years Robert, only to have you betray Me now…wow. All I can say is, you feel that pain in your prostate? Yeah, that’s fully malignant now, so there.
Normally, I would leave well enough alone, but I’ll just say this. God doesn’t hold us guiltless when we misuse His name. You are a Man and someday you will die. It could be when you’re 80 or tomorrow. God is real and you better get desperate, in light of how imperfect you are and how holy He is. Stop wasting your life being angry and starting living for something other than yourself. Stop quelling the small voice inside that tells you what you’re doing is wrong. None of us measure up to what we know to be right conduct, yet we are judge others and seek justice. The reason to be desperate is that such justice is coming and you have no control over it. I’m scared of the Judge of the Universe, who gives me every second of life. Misusing His name, whatever your motives, is sin.
WRONG! I am eternal and omnipotent.
You are a man, and someday you will die, and only then on the day and the hour of My choosing, in the manner which brings Me the most pleasure.
And of course I am real! You are talking to Me on MY blog. Duh.
If there was ever any doubt in your mind that I exist, why do you feel the need to state this to Me? Because you don’t really believe human – so all you do is repeat and repeat and repeat dogma, if only to convince yourself.
Stop quelling the small voice inside you that says that I hate you.
I am, however, glad that you are scared of Me.
It makes Me feel all badass and cool.
Oh, you think you’re so perfect!
Get over yourself, little God! There ain’t a male out there I could not bitch down! I mean, I’m the only person in history to out-debate Socrates! And let’s face it, I have read your little ‘holy books’ – all kinds of version – you, God, are no Socrates!!!
So, stop your pouty little ways, tuck in your toga, and get ready to be dispelled by little old me!
Though, if truth be told, sending Jake and Elwood on their mission was a good thing…
Little? LITTLE!!!
I AM THE MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE!
I DO NOT NEED TO WIN ARGUMENTS! I SHALL TOSS YOU ALL INTO THE LAKE OF FIRE WITH A TWITCH OF MY NOSE!
And I didn’t write the Bible, ok? It’s not My word, it’s the words of a bunch of cretins from the dark ages. I’m barely even in the second half! Anyway, I will be dealing with all of My Bible issues in a later post.
yes…..you should at least memorize as couple dozen passages from a 2000 year old book that has been translated a dozen times from its original inception before you go creating such an “obtrusive” blog…….then at least you would look somewhat holy…..seriously though good stuff…..some people truly do get screwed over and its the people who shove the bible in their faces that end up pissing everyone off even more…bravo God!
Ooh, baby whines…I didn’t write it, some cretins did it. Yeah, like you are not to blame for this?
Are you not omnipotent? Are you not omniscient? If you knew they were writing stuff in your name, could you not stop them? Or were you too busy creating Africa???
Plus, but you have a few more little books that are ‘your word’ – and some have never been translated! Yes, I’ve read them, too. Or has your omniscience lapsed again?
Anyway, where’s my bath?!?!?! You promised!!!! I’m getting a little chilly, here! Go ahead, twitch your nose like a little witch on TV!
Just like any male… You promise a lake of fire, and then let a girl down! Remind me not to go on any dates whith you!
Ah, well, I guess I’ll go annoy Athena – at least when she says she’ll turn a person into a spider, SHE carries through!
Hey, you omniscient one, you wouldn’t happen to know how I can find Athena’s blog, would you?
pretty hilarious blog, god. I like it.
*yawn*
Yawn?! YAWN!?! He who mocks God invites a swift and painful death!
All this shit cracks me up!!!!! What the hell are you Yawning about??? Is your life so amazing that a little humor from the mighty one bores you??? So witty and original. You should write a blog about what anonymous boring people hate. BORING!!! I will forever obey you God, and all your infinate wisdom. Give me more. Love it.
I am agree God, you are awesome!!!!
God doesn’t hate anything or anyone.
You dipshiat.
Oh, and ‘He who promises Xanthippa a nice hot bath – a whole lakeful of it, too – and does not deliver invites a prolonged and painful tonguelashing!’
And trust me, God, many men would prefer a ’swift and painful’ death to a tonguelashing from me!
….aside (and ‘out of characters’: love it! Can I link your blog to mine?)
I love seeing the Lord my Savior going on slightly fascist rants.
Amen.
P.S.: Sorry for drunk praying (like drunk dialing, only religious) you the other night.
isn’t this blog a little pointless? in the first couple verses of genesis, that little book says that that you can never know god, and that it is a sin to try and know him.
plus, the bible is a work of fiction. i can prove it with four words: fossils and radiocarbon dating.
i have a feeling that democrats and muslims will be appearing on the list shortly. other entries should include: heterosexual preists, worshippers who do not give tithings, and the holy ghost (you hear about god, the father, and jesus, the son, all the time. the holy ghost hasn’t been holding up his corner on the trinity).
god and robert murphy are having a NAMBLA tryst
Pretty funny.
OMG THIS IS hilarious, just the title
Oh, and God? Why is George Bush president? Isn’t he the anti-christ? Do us all a favor and rid the world of him, would you?
Thanks!
who uses the words ’super lame’? A fucking loser with nothing better to do than create a blog that tries to piggy back on the blog on someone who is much brighter and well written than you. Take a look at some of their posts. they know how to write. and they have some ironic underpinnings to their ideas. Yours are simply stupid.
RE: #24
Stuff White People Like is an original and creative blog, but the guy’s not THAT good of a writer.
Play with God that is so cool.
God, I love you. I can’t wait to read the comments of religious freaks after reading your WORD. looking forward to it.
this is hilarious. but i have to say very insightful as well.
“You see, every soul I put into this world is given an equal chance at success and wonderment. Whether I place you into a wealthy family, the son of football legend John Elway, or whether I make you the 8-legged mutant child of a diseased prostitute in Calcutta, I have given you life and free will – the freedom to choose your own fate. This freedom is a generous gift – a gift that I constantly see being squandered!”
God, sorry I squandered my free will, sorry for messing up my life, for making the wrong choices. I will not pester you with my desperate prayers anymore. I will get my act together and fix my life. it is not too late to make good use of my free will, right?
(blogger, it is obvious that you mean to be funny, but i am amazed at the depth of this first entry in particular. great timing in my life, that is
you have made my day)
LOL. This was brilliant. Thanks God!
How dare you mock me!
So this is why I never hit the lottery! Hmmm……..
it makes me so sad that some people don’t get it…
Easy there. This blog is an exercise in satire and humor. So take it that way and enjoy the laughs.
I’d also like to point out that the Roman Empire tried to destroy Christianity. Guess what? The Roman Empire fell and Christianity is still here. The Soviet Union tried to zap God. Guess what? God’s still here and the Soviet Union isn’t.
God points His celestial 44 magnum at you and says:
“Go ahead. Make my day.”
GOD HELP ME!
I am suck
I am a looser
I am an idiot
I have no pride
I am just a bunch of shit
how can i live this life
how can i protect my family later
just help me
You know what my trouble is
because i cannot mention all of it, there are too many of them,
help GOD!!!!!!!!
Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THANK you
I am suck?
Bwhahahaha….
Hello my friends
I can not agree with you in 100% regarding some thoughts, but you got good point of view…
This is absolutly ridiculous.
That’s not the only thing that’s absolutly ridiculous.
LMAO # 39
God……
You have made the Internet a pleasure again….
Garey
[...] with their pathetic cries for help. They waste their lives, and then they waste their last breaths begging Me to change My mind. [...]
I, Smoggy Batzrubble of Noo Zillund, son of Mama Batzrubble (deceased in childbirth) and Papa Batzrubble (serial killer–executed), post this message in praise of Almighty God, the Omniscient, the Omnipotent, and the Fiercest SMITING Bastard in the universe, who has granted me a great victory in my contest with the Pagan Priestess Anne (spitting staples) Johnson.
For evidence to support my faith I refer you to “God on the Internet” postings 600 and 609.
Praise be to God
Signed
Servant Smoggy
AMEN
we have lost our cars fixing to lose our home no way to get food my husband is disable they are trying to cut his check off
we are begging for help we here with out food the elect going to be shut off fixing to be put out on the street we have ask every body for help no body will
this stuff is not true bekus god never hates he 4gives ppl that do bad thing and yall tu stop lieing on him kus that is bad yall kan really go tu hell 4 evan sayin it
Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog.
Cheers! Sandra. R.