#20 Cats

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

In this entry, I, the Lord God Almighty, choose to focus My Righteous Rage on demon cats that want to suck out your soul and kill your children while they sleep.

I hate cats! Especially kittens. Cats are evil, and their insolence encourages humans to become atheist.

Just for the record, I’d like to say right now that I had absolutely nothing to do with their creation. Cats are demons sent to Earth by Satan to infect humans with sin parasites and wreak general havoc. I first noticed them when they pounced out of hell 5,000 years ago and seized control of Egypt. Once in power, they immediately set about enslaving My Jews, forcing them to build the stupid worthless Pyramids.

Long have Lucifer’s race of demon cats brought devastation to My People! In fact, cats are directly responsible for 90% of history’s most evil events. It was a cat who convinced Adolph Hitler to kill My Jews (and to wear a mustache). The Holocaust, Slavery, The Sinking of the Titanic, The Hindenburg Disaster, The Teapot Dome Scandal, The Cancellation of Studio 60, Carlos Mencia - all of these atrocities occurred because of cats.

Also, they like to scratch up your couch and pee on your brand new feather comforter. And sometimes they even shit on your chest while you’re sleeping. I’ve seen these tragedies happen far too many times.

And so I created dogs! Dogs chase and devour cats at every opportunity. Oh! How I wish humans could be more like dogs! They are decent, obedient, and love you unconditionally without question – even if you beat them. They set a great example.

If you be a true believer* in Me, The Almighty God, you will do as I say. I proclaim to you now - if you see a cat, you kill a cat! If a cat follows your son home from the comic book store, grab it by the nape of its neck and drown it while your son watches.

If you go to your new neighbor’s house for dinner and see that he owns a cat, walk right over and snap its neck. I promise you, Satan’s spell will be broken and your neighbor will thank you for it.

If you know an old woman who has a great many cats, go and burn her house down, being careful to shoot her or any kittens that try to escape. If you do these things for Me, I will bless you and your family all of your life.

I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.

*If you are allergic to cats, you are a good person and will go to Heaven.

#19 Nine-Eleven Conspiracy Theorists

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

In this entry I, The Almighty Lord, declare My Righteous Anger with a very large group of human idiots – the 9/11* conspiracy theorists.

Do you know who I’m talking about? These are the scummy people who always try to convince you that the U.S. government or terrorists were the ones responsible for 9/11.

Their preposterous theories include such notions as:

The World Trade Center Buildings were wired with explosives.

United 93 was shot down by the military.

Muslim terrorists hijacked airplanes and flew them into the buildings.

Isn’t it amazing what some people will believe? Completely ludicrous! There is no conspiracy. Everyone with half-a-brain knows it was ME!

Well, they should know anyway. They’ve all been told, over and over again, by the news media (or their sweaty pothead friend) that it was either Osama bin Laden or George W. Bush who did it.

Nope! Sorry! Neither one of those stupid spoiled brats had anything to do with it. I and I alone, The Sovereign Lord God Almighty, was responsible for every phase of the operation – the planning, the flying, the blowing shit up – that was all Me! And quite frankly, I’m sick of other people getting the credit.

I mean, what the hell do I have to do? I even posed in the smoke for you people and what do you do? You give the credit to Satan. ARGGH!

It’s like people these days don’t even believe that I’m capable of hate, anger or seriously smiting some shit. But I don’t give a flying fudge! I did 9/11 ’cause I was bored and looking for some good old fashioned fun.

Believe Me human, I am no lovey-dovey-hippie-wuss. I’ll destroy this entire planet again and start over from scratch if I feel like it. Just say the word.

*The phrase 9/11 refers to a series of super-incredible smitings that took place on September 11, 2001.

#18 Dancing

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I want to concentrate on something I truly loathe – dancing.

I hate dancing because you stupid mortals are so proud of yourselves when you do it.

You people think you’re so cool when you’re dancing, but you and I both know you look completely foolish. You flop around to and fro without the faintest idea of what you’re doing.

You go out to nightclubs, and try to dance to the music, even though you’ve never heard (even once ) 95% of the terrible songs that are played. You confusedly bump and bop and look around to see if anyone is watching how putrid your dancing is.

Take comfort. They aren’t watching you. They are far too worried about their own dance moves to notice how bad you are. But there is one unlucky person who is watching – Me. I have to watch everything!

But the worst (the worst!) are the people who think they’re good at dancing. They go to clubs and show-off the same silly rehearsed moves they always do so they can glorify themselves in front of the rest of you people who really can’t dance.

But on top of all that, I despise dancing because it encourages atrocious TV shows and movies about it such as: Dancing with the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance, The Evolution of Dance, Footloose, Flashdance, Dirty Dancing, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, Body Rock, Tango, Breakin’, Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo, Roll Bounce, Save the Last Dance, Shall We Dance?, Dance With Me, How She Move, You Got Served, Stomp the Yard, Bring It On, Take The Lead, Feel The Noise, Stepping Out, Step Up, Step Up 2 the Streets…

I tell you, it’s enough to make Me lose faith in Myself.

#17 Snitches

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I want to talk about something that makes My Blood boil. Narc, blabbermouth, fink, whatever you want to call them – I hate a snitch!

I, the Sovereign Lord Almighty, despise those who rat out others! I assure you, their wages will be paid in full. Snitches get stitches!

Nobody likes a tattletale, least of all The Lord. I consider it one of My Top 500 most hated sins.

As a matter of fact, I would like to take this chance to add a new super-commandment to My List of Ten:

11. Thou shalt not snitch.

This commandment supersedes all other commandments, with the exception of idolatry. If you see someone worshipping other gods, send Me a prayer-alert immediately!

Even though I despise snitches, I will not single out anyone specific for ridicule here. That would make Me a snitch-snitch.

However, I must express My Sublime Rage at the many thousands of prepubescent-boy-vixens who have snitched on My Clergy. In doing so, they have snitched against Me and brought about their everlasting ruin!

Oh the injustice! I have seen many a humble priest lose his job merely for forcing a young parish boy to suck on his penis.

When I think of all those fickle altar boys, who I had honored with the chance to serve My Church, only to see them betray Me!

Well, they may enjoy their stolen-from-Me lawsuit-monies while on Earth, but they will spend eternity in hell for their snitch-crimes. There they shall be raped over and over again for all time, and not tenderly as My Priests do, but savagely as is the demon way.

I, The Almighty Lord, have spoken.

#16 Dick Franing

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I’m going to take a break from venting about the big things that bother Me (women, science, anal), and focus My Rage onto one particular speck of infectious human waste – American citizen Dick Franing.

You’ve never heard of him, because he’s a nobody. Nevertheless, mortal Dick Franing is a blasphemous cur and I am going to smite him worse than I’ve ever smoten anyone ever before!

Ya know, up until yesterday, I’d never taken much notice of him. I mean, I guess he always went to church and stuff but whatever. Now he’s gonna burn in hell and get raped by demons for all eternity!

Why? Because yesterday this jackhole crossed the line.

He desecrated The Lord’s Blog!

On April 30^th, in the Year of Me 2008, at exactly 11:44:23 AM EST, one Richard Earnest Franing, 52, of Knoxville, Iowa, did defile My Holy and Divine Blog by posting an idiotic comment that was 4,256 words long and utterly deranged.

Entitled “A Trilogy On Metaphysics and Blah Blah Whatever,” the stupid douche actually dedicates his insane gibberish to “the Honor and Glory of Me.”

ISN’T THAT GREAT?! I just love it when fawning nitwits dedicate their gigantic steaming piles of horse-dung to Me.

Why do I always attract people to My Cause who can’t spell, write or think?

I HATE YOU DICK FRANING! I’M COMING FOR YOU WITH MY CHERUBIM AND MY FLAMING SWORD AND I’M GOING TO SMITE YOU SO FRICKING HARD!

#15 Science

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

In this entry I will focus on something that makes Me so mad, I just can’t even…say it…aargghh!! DAMN YOU SCIENCE! DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Whew…ok…I feel better now. I always feel a lot better after damning things I hate to hell. And I think this blog-therapy has really been paying off in My Temper lately. Like, a couple of hours ago I could’ve totally killed this dumb baby I hate, but I was like, whatevs! I’ll let it live. For now.

But back to the subject at hand – stupid damned pagan science!

I, the Lord your God, despise science and all things sciencey. Scientists, the scientific method, laboratories, lab rats, the periodic table, Bill Nye - they’re all going to hell when they die.

Facts, evidence, hypotheses - BAH! These things show a disturbing lack of faith in My Divine Wisdom.

I mean, the gall! The utter gall it takes for man to try to figure out the universe I created. I gotta say, it’s pretty galling!

Put yourself in My Position. Imagine you made your very own ant-farm. You designed it from top to bottom, filled it with ants, and set about the joy of watching them kill each other. And then what do your stupid ants do? Get all sciencey and stuck-up on you!

Ugh. I hate every last one of those smug, self-satisfied scientists. Think they’re so smart! You probably think they’re smart too. Smarter than Me even. Well you’re not gonna think they’re so smart after they accidentally blow up the planet this summer. Yup, you won’t be thinking much at all after that, because you’ll be dead.

Well anyway, there’s just not enough time for Me to discuss the many things I hate about science in this post. Just know that in general, I hate science.

It is dumb. Really, really, really, really dumb. And it’s never proven anything.

#14 American Idol

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I would like to talk about the most evil, stupid show on television today – American Idol.

I hate American Idol. It’s blatantly blasphemous! For the love of Me, it’s got Idol right in the name!

Remember? Idolatry? One of the ten things I banned way back when?

You have all completely forgotten the first and second commandments:

1. You shall have no other gods before Me
2. You shall not make for yourself an idol

Must I remind you that the point of all existence is to worship Me?! You people put TV before Me, and then dedicate all your time to making new idols. Kelly Clarkson, Taylor Hicks, Jordin Sparks – all demons sent from hell to distract you from how Awesome My Singing Voice is!

And let’s not forget the ‘judges.’ Simon Cowell is a pompous asshole who beats his wife, Paul Abdul is a pill-popping cum-guzzling gutter-slut, and Randy Jackson is a fat bastard who murdered a guy once. And Americans worship this three-headed monster three nights a week and then sleep in on Sundays.

That’s another thing I hate about American Idol – the crazy numbers it gets. It averages 30 million heathen viewers every show. That’s roughly 90 million more American souls I have to damn to hell every week!

And America used to be My Favorite Country too. They used to print on the money, “In God We Trust.” I really liked that. It was flattering.

Yup, I used to bless the U.S.A. whenever I was asked. But no more. Now I curse this land of apostasy! You have American Idol to thank for that.

For the record, I have no problem with Ryan Seacrest. He’s actually pretty cool.

Note: I also don’t like how American Idol raises money to help Africa.

#13 Cops

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

In this entry I will focus My Divine Rage on a species of human I have long hated – cops.

Their very existence is evil in My Sight because Only I, the Lord your God, have the power to enforce laws and punish the wicked.

Also though…I got some bad history with cops (or pigs* as I like to call them).

See back in Roman times, when I was walking around Earth as teen Jesus, the pigs loved giving Me a hard time. Every time I went to market, there they were, following Me around just ‘cause I had long hair and wore sandals.

And it didn’t stop as I got older either. Man, those pigs had it out for Me. Every town I went to they’d be waiting to take Me in for ‘questioning.’ That means they gave Me beatings.

It didn’t seem to matter how many miracles I performed or how many people I cured – motherf#$%ing pigs never gave me a moments rest. Ended up crucifying My Ass.

Of course, they were just jealous of My Fly God powers. Stupid pigs spend their whole lives thinking they’re Me, just ‘cause they got a badge and a gun. But they’re not. Shit…they ain’t shit.

Pigs gotta lotta nerve.

*This is why the ancient Jews thought they couldn’t eat pork. One time I was telling Moses how I hate pigs and he got confused.

Ask God

In this new monthly feature, The Almighty first answers a few of the many questions He has received. Afterwards, readers of Stuff God Hates will be given the opportunity to ask God one (and only one) question. And if The Lord is feeling generous, He may actually answer.

QUESTION #1:

Jamey: “Uh, Lord, what’s your take on pro athletes invoking your name on the job?”

GOD: Personally, I love watching sports and spend most of My Time helping teams win and players perform well. The winners in sports have always received My Blessing, so it is proper that they always thank Me after a victory.

QUESTION #2:

Steve: “Hey God: Once and for all, what is your stance on Pork? Thanks.”

GOD: You should never eat pork because I feel the pig is a filthy animal. For the same reason, you should also never eat cow, chicken or turkey. Veal is ok.

QUESTION #3:

Lazy Buddhist: “OK, I’m not gay or anything, but if you didn’t want people to have anal sex, why did you make it feel so damn good?”

GOD: How do you know “it feels so damn good” if you haven’t tried it?

QUESTION #4:

The Unpleasant Jew: “How do you feel about oral sex?”

GOD: It’s also not what I intended, but I’m willing to let oral slide.

QUESTION #5:

Kelly Jelley: “Do you still get to keep your foreskin?”

GOD: OF COURSE!!! However, human males are required to rip their foreskin off with their own teeth at the age of thirteen as a way to prove their faith and loyalty to Me.

QUESTION #6:

Molly: “God, are you white?”

GOD: OF COURSE I’M WHITE!! Did you ever have any doubt?

QUESTION #7:

Oy Gevalt: “Why did You create atheists? Was it the whole “free will” thing?”

GOD: I did indeed give mankind freewill, or the ability to choose. So you can choose to believe in Me and have eternal life, or you can choose to be an atheist and spend eternity in hell getting raped by demons. It’s up to you.

#12 Blasphemy

Prepare thyself, he who reads this, to tremble and quake before the Incredible Word of God, as written by THE LORD HIMSELF!

Today I want to focus on something which has always infuriated Me – blasphemy!

Many people think that it’s no big deal to take My Name in vain. They don’t even think about it, they just curse Me as a matter of habit.

I hear it constantly. “Goddamnit!” they say. Or “Holy Fudging Christ that hurts!” Or “God is a self-absorbed ass-pirate who doesn’t give a flying fudge about us!”

HOW DARE YOU HUMANS MAKE FUN OF ME?! I created you!

You people mock me every day and in every language. And I hate being mocked! In fact, nothing makes Me angrier. I devoted an entire commandment to preventing it, and I spend most of My Time smiting sarcastic douchebags who think I don’t exist. But that’s fine with Me.

I love chasing down blasphemers and smiting them. Just last night, there was this guy in New Jersey who was making all these smart-ass jokes about Me at a bar. So I gave him penile cancer. Who’s funny now funny guy?

See, for Me, blasphemy is worse than murder, rape and abortion combined. Cause at the end of the day, what the frig do I care if a human gets killed or raped? All part of The Plan. But making fun of Me? Well that’s just uncalled for.

I guess you could say I’m the sensitive type. Or you might say I can dish it out, but I can’t take it. Whatever.

You make fun of Me, you die.